photo credit: Thomas Rockstar

Would you work outside of your home if your childcare costs you $3000 a month?

Tawnya, a reader, just submitted the following comment about Stay At Home Wives Being The New Status Symbol:

Women are generally super-critical of our own sex. I think this is based in widespread insecurity and confidence in decisions and the desire to be seen as ‘right’.

I’ve done/been it all, SAHM, WAHM, WOHM – and I can say they are all hard and each presents its own unique challenges. I’m a SAHM now and I can honestly say it’s purely economics, although I am getting used to it. It used to drive me nuts. Where I live, it would cost me nearly 3K a month to have someone watch my children. Maybe I could get a job that would cover those expenses, but I would be keeping much less than I would be spending on child care. Just can’t do it. For me, working is a luxury. When I was working? Staying home was.
What say you?  In this situation, do you think working is a luxury?  How much does childcare cost where you live?

If you’ve been following our featured post, Stay At Home Wives: The New Status Symbol?, then you know that we’ve been having a rather passionate discussion around what exactly a Stay At Home Wife really means for a woman.

To clarify:

A Stay At Home Wife is a woman who does not have any other responsibility than herself, home and husband.  Her husband works full time and she may have charity and/or volunteer duties but to engage in those activities in totally up to her.  She by definition has no children, she may be finishing school or have an education (HS, college, graduate).  So no children and no job.  She can be young, middle aged or elderly and she chooses what activities she wants to engage in.  This definition isn’t limited by socioeconomic status, there are women who are stay at home wives with household incomes of less than 40k a year to those who make gabillions of dollars a year.

Does it mean that she is losing her sense of identity?  What about her prospects for meaningful work if she ever wants to get back into the work force?  Is there a perceived loss of equity and partnership because she isn’t “pulling her weight”?

What are your thoughts?

The last question was a comment made by a reader and I thought it interesting that in 2008 we still think this way.  Im in no way criticizing her comment, but I know that most of you who read this blog are either feminists or all about the girl power.  Well, part of that power is having the choice to lead our lives as we see fit.  Choice.  That may include being a career/working mother or it can include being a stay at home wife supporting her husband from home.

I really want to know what you think so feel free to comment answering the above questions.

Add this to the list of decisions that women are now criticized for with regards to their life decisions. If it isn’t the Mommy Wars between the stay at home and working moms, then before that it was the women who chose to get an education and work for a living instead of choosing to settle down and get married with children. Today we have Stay At Home Wives. Ahhh, let the games begin.

I’ve read much about this “phenomenon” this week and still scratching my head, asking, “what’s the big deal?” Granted, I have not held a REAL full time position since 2005, mainly due to graduate school but in some ways I plan to be a stay at home wife. I see no problems with that decision.

Before leaving my last job, I told the pregnant intern that I would be a stay at home mom/wife once we started our family and/or moved back to NYC. She gasped and then asked me what would be the point of finishing school? I exclaimed, because I can! Bless her heart.

My husband and I live on one income which makes our financial situation more secure than a two income household where if one person loses a job, the other must shoulder the burden until the other spouse obtains new employment.

Why knock something that works for someone else?  This isn’t 5 steps back for the feminist women movement as some have said outright, this is a choice, and we should be happy that more women have the choice to work, not work, work inside the home, work outside the home or hell, sit at home eating Bon Bons all day while curled up on the couch.

Stay At Home Wives can get involved in volunteer projects, pursue hobbies, go on vacation, pursue interests they may not have been able to in the past all while running their homes like well oiled machines.

The vitriolic comments I’ve seen all over the blogosphere insulting these women is frankly unbelievable, especially from other women and the men who have the nerve to say they wouldn’t “let” their wives stay at home:

Meggan writes

L – A – Z – Y
Of course they’re “strangely happy”…they don’t do anything! Why not at least go out and volunteer? If you have the “luxury” to stay at home while your husband works, at least give something back to the community through charity work!

NY1974 writes:

I’m not judging anyone’s right to stay home if they can well afford it, but I find it hard to believe that anyone with half a brain could find fulfillment in housekeeping and#38; errands. Just coming off an extended …more

I’m not judging anyone’s right to stay home if they can well afford it, but I find it hard to believe that anyone with half a brain could find fulfillment in housekeeping and#38; errands. Just coming off an extended, and rainy, long weekend, I can’t imagine staying home each and#38; every day with nothing to strive for except a clean house, paid bills and#38; the ‘status’ that goes along with having a well-paid husband who doesn’t mind if you leach off of him. After 2 days of an empty house, I found myself reading aloud to my dog and watching the clock for Monday to come. I would be bored senseless if that were my everyday routine. But, as my granfather used to say, numbskulls are easily amused.

Gregg writes

These couples are really deluding themselves if they think people can’t see through this bullcrap. It doesn’t take 8 hours to clean a house or cook dinner or to do the shopping. I mean really, how dirty does a house g …more

These couples are really deluding themselves if they think people can’t see through this bullcrap. It doesn’t take 8 hours to clean a house or cook dinner or to do the shopping. I mean really, how dirty does a house get with no kids and one spouse gone most of the day? It’s one thing to stay home and take care of kids, but these women are just lazy.

Paul writes:

My stepmom is a "stay at home wife" and I can honestly attest to the fact that women who do this are simply taking advantage of men. She also considers herself to be a "feminist." He pays someone to clean the house, …more

My stepmom is a "stay at home wife" and I can honestly attest to the fact that women who do this are simply taking advantage of men. She also considers herself to be a "feminist." He pays someone to clean the house, so she just sits around all day online and watching TV. Men beware: There are a lot of selfish women out there with a sense of self-entitlement that won’t think twice about jumping on the chance to be a stay at home bum. You’ll feel taken advantage of and come to resent her for what she is: a parasite. A healthy dose of reality is needed immediately before the parasite can fully latch on and begin eating the man from the inside, eventually leaving him an empty husk of a man.

But let’s play Devil’s Advocate for a moment and ask some hard questions:

Do these women have a pre-nuptial agreement in place?  Post-nuptial agreement?  I am ALL for staying at home but let’s get real for a moment.  Should the husband decide he no longer wants to be married, then what’s the back up plan?  A man is NOT a financial plan and Prince Charming isn’t Coming!. Are they keeping their resumes updated by keeping one foot in their chosen fields?

In the event of the wage earning spouse’s demise, is she provided for in the will?  Are the assets in BOTH both names, IE is her name also on the deed to the home and not just the mortgage?  Both names on all bank accounts?  Check on that.  Does she have access to and full disclosure around all household and personal finances?  Does she know if she has also been factored into 401k contributions, IE, is the husband making enough contributions for them to both retire comfortably or will they be eating cat food in retirement?

These are questions that would make being a true stay at home wife a tolerable situation for me.  If she simply looked at her husband as a means to earn a living or create and live a certain lifestyle without consideration for the above-mentioned then I would question her financial security as women need to earn more money than men.

Question: Do you think these women are freeloaders or doing simply what works for them?  What about the feminist movement?  Have we taken a step back women women choosing ot stay at home sans children or any real responsibilities?