Totally provocative and tongue in cheek, but you get the underlying message. Choose your partners wisely.

I am not suggesting that women marry solely for money, I am after all a believer in love and commitment as a solid foundation for marriage. However, I am suggesting that women  marry partners that are financially savvy. I will detail the benefits of choosing a partner that has a solid financial plan in place and uses money as a tool and not a crutch.

Financially Savvy
Women who choose financially savvy partners fare better than their counterparts who don’t. Why? These women know that in order to have a marriage built to last that finances play a huge role in the viability of the marriage. I know it sounds like we’re discussing a corporate merger but there are elements of marriage that resemble a business.  Think about it, how many people can’t afford to separate because they can’t afford it?  We want financial freedom, well we have to choose a partner who knows what that means.

Personal finance issues are the leading cause of divorce and in order to live happily ever after, you must be on the same page as far as your finances are concerned. No, if, ands or buts about it.

So what makes these women smarter?

Aligned Financial Values
When smart women meet a partner, while wooed by good looks and the smooth talk, they are interested in how their potential partners spend money. Does he have an emergency fund? Is he current on their monthly bills such as the car payment and rent/mortgage? Does he spend more than he earns? They’re listening keenly to understand how their potential mates relate to money. Is it a tool? Is it a crutch? They know the difference and conduct business accordingly. Should the potential mate fall into the category of the above mentioned then it’s time to say good-bye or work out a plan to get him financially fit. After all, who wants a man who isn’t interested in learning how to manage his money effectively? They are in it for the long haul, not a few cheap dates.

Motivated by Money to Create the Life They Want
Smart women are up to date on the latest issues in personal finance. They understand rate chasing, investing for the long haul and understand that while they may have substantial savings, practice and embrace frugality. They look for similar if not the same qualities in their potential mates. Smart women want to be able to relate not only on a romantic level, but also on issues regarding personal finance.

A Man with a Plan
Who wants a man with no financial plan in place? I certainly don’t. Where does he see himself in 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? Is he thinking long or short term? That answer will determine the course of the relationship. Ideally he should be able to think past next month’s car payment and have a financial plan for the current year. This an expectation for smart women, not a hope or a dream, but something they demand and require in a potential mate.

Take a few minutes to let it all sink in. Gone are the days when gold diggers were secretly envied because they were able to go for the gusto and stifle high pitched screams during musty sex with a shriveled up oil tycoon. Smart women can marry for money, and guess what!?  It’s ok!  Move over and make way for women who are in control of their financial destinies and not afraid to say it. They are armed with a positive net worth and not afraid to flaunt it.  They are breaking financial ceilings one stiletto at a time!

Are you a smart woman?

(image: pro.corbis.com)

Who’s career is more important in your household?   Is it yours?  Significant other’s?  Well, according to this CNN article: Career couples fight over who’s the ‘trailing spouse’, more emphasis is usually placed on the man’s career.

What do you think about that?  Why does the woman’s career take the back seat?

Blame it on socialization, says Noonan.

While it may not be true for every relationship, more often than not, she says, “men and women are taught to play very different roles within marriage. Women are socialized to play a homemaking role within the family, whereas men are encouraged to focus on their careers and breadwinning.”

I broach this topic after being finished with graduate school this month and my husband and I initiate talks about moving back to NYC.  We are both from NYC and have had plans for some time now to move back there after we were both done with our studies here in DC.  But, I am falling in love with the DC area and have both personal and professional reasons for not moving back to NYC.   But for the purposes of this blog let’s go with the professional. 

I like my job.

No, really I love my job.  While I am still getting used to the freedom and keeping myself accountable, I have unrivaled flexibility when compared to other jobs I’ve had in the past.  In the mornings I get up, early/late drive hubby into work and hit the gym a few blocks away.  Then I do some blog related work and then see my clients in the early afternoon through the evenings.  I provide counseling and psychotherapy to children in the foster care system, children who have been the victims of crime or who have generally experienced trauma.  That also includes working with the families and I can’t think of a better job right now.

I’ve never liked the idea of being tied to a desk or 8 hours a day and I type this blog post as I sit in my gym’s wifi lounge.  I also earn a FT salary for working less than 20 hours a week.  So I have more time to do work around the blog workout, hang out and focus on the things that are important to me.

My husband also loves his job, he really likes his company, the people, the work and it’s been a real blessing as far as his career trajectory.  He’s well respected there for his brains and work ethic.   But eventually he’d like to move back to NYC to be closer to family when we have children and possibly pursue other interests within the realm of project management.  :-/

So do we stay or do we go?  I know that I do not want to work in a case management setting in NYC if we move back there; a forensic setting is always an option but until that materializes I’m just not all that excited about moving back.  And the reality is, while I wouldn’t mind being a SAHW/M I like our set up now.

Am I being selfish?

This article listed the following solutions to our dilemma:

Trade places. “It takes some heartfelt conversations to begin balancing the career scales in a marriage,” says Les Parrott, a clinical psychologist and faculty member at Seattle Pacific University. “It requires both spouses to be honest with their feelings.”

Parrott asks clients to list what’s important to them about their careers, assigning each element a value from 1 to 10. After each spouse makes a list, they try to guess how much their partner values each item.

“It’s almost always an eye-opener,” says Parrott. “It helps them empathize. It helps them trade places. And with that new perspective, they are ready for a more honest and grace-filled exploration of their options together.”

Try the “package deal” approach. When a couple is considering relocating, Buccino says, one spouse should see what the new company can do for the other.

Switch off. Buccino says the fluidity of today’s job market gives couples “opportunities to evaluate and re-evaluate and hopefully switch off between whose career takes priority at various phases along the marital life cycle.”

When neither is willing to budge, there’s always the long-distance marriage.  “I have seen two-career couples that live in two different cities,” Buccino says, “because neither is willing to pass up great career opportunities.”

Im not sure that any of the above options really work for us right now.  He will undoubtedly earn more than I will if we go back to New York so obviously money will be a huge factor, I just don’t want to feel like I spent the last 3 years in graduate school only to give up a job doing what I love.  Hey, can you blame me?  I want to feel important too! 

So what do you think?  What would you suggest for our dilemma?  Do you think a woman’s career should take a backseat to a man’s?  Share in the comments section.

By now you’ve seen all the different blogs discussing Tricia Walsh Smith’s revenge served cold online via Youtube. In the video she refers to her soon to be ex as “mean, bad husband” and then refers to herself as “poor vulnerable Tricia” waiting desperately for her husband to “do the right thing”.

Do The Right Thing? Let’s take a look at that.

Her Mistakes And My Issues With Her Plea for Help

1. She married a wealthy man without combing through her pre-nup to make sure that all of her needs were met to her satisfaction. Should her soon to be ex have a stroke, the pension kicks to his bank account (which his daughters control) but she didn’t fight detail while discussing the pre-nup? Where was she provided for in the event that he’s disabled?
2. She is complaining about being evicted from her apartment in exchange for 750k and then declares “I’ve had a horrible few years…” Excuse me? She is by no means poor or destitute, but thinks that the terms of their parting is so unfair. I don’t feel sorry for her because she should have paid a lawyer to make sure that she was going to be fine should they part. And, where is her lawyer? Why doesn’t he have a muzzle on this woman?
3. Publicly declaring, on YouTube, no less, “I’m an idiot, I’m an effin idiot“. I hate to say this because I believe in the empowerment of women, but get some grace and class woman, you’re not an idiot, just misguided in the signing of your prenuptial agreement and suffering the emotional distress of a divorce. I get that, but there is no reason to air your dirty laundry for all of the world to see. She’s a successful playwright with the ability to start her life over here in the States or back in London, just do it! Pick your head up and walk away from this situation with the grace of a woman and not the tears of a child. You can do it.

4. What part of her thinks so lowly of herself to accept a marriage in which no sex was to be had? She accepted this term of the marriage? Where was her duty to herself to demand that she have someone who loves her in all aspects, including sexually. In this day and age if smoke blows, there’s fire somewhere and he did a good job of blowing smoke up her @$$.
5. She defames her husband and family through this tape which for me is the final straw. I had some semblance of pity for her until she shows us pictures of each one and then in words that only a two year old uses states his stepdaughter is a “bad, bad person”. Yes, I am a counselor in training but I can’t help but ask mental breakdown much? Really, much of this could have been averted with some meds and a good lawyer.

   End. Snarky commentary

   My advice for Mrs Walsh-Smith

   Take Care of Yourself

   It’s probably best to start seeing a therapist, if nothing else for the purpose of having someone to confide in and make sure that you’re remaining psychologically and emotionally healthy as divorce can and will take its toll on you.

   Please don’t underestimate the toll this process can have on your mind and body, take care of yourself during this time. Lastly, check out my article The Smart Woman’s Guide For The Soon To Be Divorced, it may be a bit out of your league but may offer some helpful tips.

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