I don’t think think these women are lazy at all. It’d be one thing if couples who co-habitated shared the responsibilities equally but all too frequently it is the woman who ends up doing the cooking, cleaning, etc in addition to holding down a job. It’s called a “second shift” and I think women (or men) who are able to stay home are able to bring the family together. 

Each couple is different. If a couple works, have savings whether joint,separate or a mix of both, they can both ride out hard economic times if both of them have had continuous jobs throughout the years, and one of them loses a job they can ride out harsh economic times if they had been previously financially savvy and saved money all along.

Employers are more impressed with you if you had recent work even if you got laid off or did something productive like volunteer rather than stayed at home. Employers tended to ask me what I did while I was unemployed. IMO , I don't care if you are a two income or one income household, both of you will be fine if you have SAVED money along the way.

Yes I do have a bias towards two income households, but at the same time, frugal is frugal no matter what household you belong to. I also think that it would be easier to worry less and not to have a burden on your shoulder if you didn't have to support another person.

I have been a stay at home mother/ wife since I was in high school. When my son was old enough to attend school I went to college to focus on myself. Then several years later I had another child and stay home and care for her as well. She is soon off to pre K and I will return to my personal goals. I understand not everyone has the luxury of choosing to do so, and feel blessed I have. Through the years of being at home I have ran myself ragged with PTO mom,charity events and fund-raising, baseball, football and golf for my son. Keeping a perfect home and cooked meals. I feel like it is my job to handle al of the house hold chores since I am home most of the day. On top of that, preparing my youngest for basic skills for school, trying to be my husbands sex goddess… It is the most full time responsibility I could ever imagine. I dislike women who stay home and can’t keep it kept, and expect the husband to come home and take over with the kids, are you serious? I look forward to getting some independence back, but have enjoyed installing my personal morals and family values in my children. I don’t believe a woman has a reason to stay home if no children are home, then again I don’t mean to offend anyone, its only my opinion.

I am a stay at home wife and it is not out of choice. we move to different countries due to my husband's job and it's tough to get a temporary jobs. Also volunteering is not a option in most countries due to the language. Do i get bored ? hell yes.

>>Do these women have a pre-nuptial agreement in place? back up plan? A man is NOT a financial plan and Prince Charming isn’t Coming!. keeping their resumes updated?
## It would be Interesting to do pre-nuptial for military soldiers, isn't it? if it's getting tough, just quit, no big deal. Why not??
Soldiers keep their commitment and promise till death, why not housewives? it's not even close to death, Geeze…
Yes, financial planning is always important, but do NOT FORCE happily married wives into Slavery!… by Looking Down Upon them!!!

Govt can make more TAX $$ if women work outside, while twice amount of people do the same jobs, wages are cut in half… they call this modern women's Liberation! Oh yeah! What a Slavery!
Google it:
Taken in Hand
women liberation movement Aaron Russo Alex Jones
60 Minutes Australia Under the thumb
Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle
Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin
Antifeminism in Wikipedia

I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

guide2prince.org’s last blog post..1-800 New Funk – Various Artist Album – NPG – 2Gether

Hi there! I'm a stay at home fiance and couldn't be happier. My days are full of doing thing that I actually enjoy (trying new recipes, making jewelry, walking the dogs, yoga, reading, writing, getting together with friends, etc.). It's kind of crazy that people act like not working a 9-5 = lazy. I'm far from lazy… before deciding to stay at home I owned my own business and the reason that I decided to be a SAHW is because my fiance makes in a month what I used to make in a year. Why on earth would I bust my butt doing something that I don't enjoy when it doesn't even make a dent in our income? I'm spending every moment of my day doing what I choose to do and enjoying my life. So anyone out there who thinks that stay at home wives are just lazy and must be bored all the time or have no goals in life…. you're wrong.

I'd be OK having a stay at home husband, my other half is currently out of work and stays home all day. Problem is, he's a lousy house husband! Doesn't cook, doesn't clean, lousy at laundry….I truly wish he had the inclination for homemaking cause I don't, well other than cooking. I think a partner can contribute to the family in non-monetary ways and support whatever arrangement works for a couple. Would I love to stay home and not have to deal with the headaches of a career, definitely, but unless we win the lottery it's not in the cards. I don't see myself staying at home while my husband works to support me, it doesn't work for me. I pride myself on my independence, I get a certain pleasure out of knowing I am the main breadwinner. I look forward to the day when stay at home dads are just as common as stay at moms.

Miss M's last blog post..If My House is Underwater, Where is My Ocean View…

Honestly, I do get bored sometimes, but not from lack of stuff to do. I miss the accomplishments, the communication with adults that I had when I worked out of the house.

I remember working full time, going to grad school full time and raising my son (at that time the only one) and I managed to clean house, cook, all that. I was busy – no denying it. But now that my ‘office’ is at home and my ‘work’ is all house related, it seems like the work never ends. There is always some new thing to do, project to tackle around the house, etc. I do things when I can to keep my mind nimble. Right now, I am learning how to speak German and writing, but I don’t get to do it as much as I would like since I never get to ‘punch the clock’ and call it a day on my job. But then – what mom does.

Having stayed at home, worked from home and worked out of the home I have a unique perspective and can say without judgement that being a mom/wife is a big job and is hard and will keep you busy no matter how you do it.

Tawnya’s last blog post..I Didn’t Vote for Obama

To everyone,

What a heated discussion, huh? Thanks to Ginger for bringing up this subject. I think it’s an issue that we as a society have only started to really discuss. The “mommy wars” are still a hot topic, but with more couples not having kids or delaying having kids, I think this discussion is far from over. There are, after all, so many issues here (financial, social, marital, personal, feminist, etc.) and it’s bound to be heated since I think, underneath it all, the big question is how do we measure our value and that of other women. In questioning each other’s decisions, it’s easy for us all to feel like our value is questioned.

However, I think the importance of the feminist movement isn’t simply that we can wear pants, use contraceptives, work “male” jobs, or even get paid equally for equal work. For me, at least, feminism is about knowing that I — and every other woman — has inherent value as a human being not one bit less than a man. That is not to say that I don’t have a lot of respect for the superwives and especially supermoms out there. Some women like that life. Some women have to live that life regardless. Either way, it definitely can be a tough job (though to assume that it’s tougher than my life is also a big assumption since we can never truly walk in another’s shoes). Some people’s idea of fun is climbing Mount Everest; we praise those who make it, but none of us are any less for not climbing it.

Bottom line, my value as a person isn’t based on how much money I make any more than it is based on how clean our house is or how good my casseroles are. And I certainly don’t have to be superwife, working a full-time job outside of the house and also doing full-time chores at home, too, just to prove to other women that my husband and I are “equal” partners in our marriage. Feminism isn’t “you can work — just so long as as you still get your ‘chores’ done”, or vice versa. The true feminist revolution will have arrived when women can choose to do different work instead of just more work.

And then, maybe we can have a revolution for the guys so that they can be stay-at-home husbands and dads without society treating them even worse than us SAHWs.

Meg’s last blog post..The Fabulous! Festival for October ‘08

Ginger, you first!

I too have many days where I’d love to sit at home, get the house in perfect shape, and catch up on my reading. I think you are exactly right, some are able and some find it challenging, which is all I was trying to convey. I still do not understand the equation of two working people, minus one working person, equals BOTH having more free time, but I guess that’s not up for discussion here (my mistake!).

As far as the respect thing goes, if you just want to stay at home, are able to because of your husband’s work ethic and admit it, that’s totally fine with everyone I’m sure. I can say with 100% honesty that I respect it in its own right. It only becomes an issue when the SAHW attempts to justify it by saying that housework/caring for their working spouse/etc “are like a full time job” and begin comparing their load with those of working wives/women, who have to do it all on their own and still manage to get it done. Don’t compare or assume that those working are lax in the homecare/spousecare department unless you want opinions to the contrary.

It’s kinda akin to those who worked their way through college, and those who got to do it on Mom and Dad’s dime. Those with Mom and Dad’s financial support will always say that school was a full time priority for them, and that they couldn’t possibly have worked full time while attending….but people work full time while finishing full time school everyday, so it obviously can be done and be done well. Same goes for this topic.

Buuuutt, it’s your blog, your post, and if you didn’t want object opinions on the matter I’m glad to back out of this discussion. I would just suggest wording your question (listed below for easy reference) differently on future blogs.

“Question: Do you think these women are freeloaders or doing simply what works for them? What about the feminist movement? Have we taken a step back women women choosing ot stay at home sans children or any real responsibilities?

Dear Meg/other readers…

1) “please don’t judge us because you think you know what my husband or I really want in life — and that you think you know the best way for us to get it.”

None of what I wrote was done with the intention to make anyone feel bad about themselves. This is a blog discussion where the author asked for opinions and ideas, not an online support group where all respondents must provide positive feedback on the subject. The topic on the table is SAHW, it’s whats up for discussion and debate. Debating involves various ideas and viewpoints that are GOING to clash, especially on a topic like this. In the pro-SAHW posts there is a lot of working-wife bashing. Am I taking offense to the insinuation that as a working wife, I DON’T have time to keep my house clean, my husband feeling loved, or that I can’t possibly be finding fulfillment from spending 50+ hours a week at work? No I am not, yet it is at the root of why I do not believe in the SAHW. If there is any judgment on this board it goes both ways.

2) “One of the main reasons I stay home is so that I can support my husband in other ways.”

Which other ways do you support him? Specifically, which ways are you able to support him as a SAHW that you weren’t able to do when working? I’ve yet to see a straightforward answer to this as most of the other respondents here cite things such as being able to do chores, being in a good mood from being home all day instead of stressed at the office (thus more able to spend ‘quality’ time with the working spouse),being able to provide more love/homecooked meals to their spouse etc. etc. These are all things that are GIVENS in terms of being an adult (chores always need to be done, food needs to be cooked or purchased) and being in an adult relationship.

3) “I love that I have time for my husband NOW”

If you being at home is what allows you to have time now for your hubby, but he is working, how does he have time for YOU? He is still working, thus his “free time” is not increased at all by you staying at home, if anything it might be reduced since he is carrying the full financial load. You may have more time for yourself and household chores (a full 40 hours minimum!) but your hubby is still gone 40+ hours a week. I don’t see how one spouse staying at home increases the time that both get to spend “together” by much more than a couple hours a week at best, if those hours that were previously used to do chores after work or on the weekends are now free. The working spouse will still come home from work during the week just as stressed, and may have work that feeds into the weekends just the same as they did before. Nothing has changed for THEM, so how does that equation equal more time together?

Overall what it comes down to for me, is that being able to juggle work, or some other sort of part/full time commitment, hobbies, friends, and have a personal life is an art. You have to be able to multitask and prioritize without spreading yourself too thin. I realize some women may just not want to put forth the effort to juggle all of this, but it might also be that the inverse relationship is true: women who are able handle many things in their lives and enjoy challenges are those who chose to be working wives AND have fulfilling family/social lives as well, those who can’t handle it or believe they can’t become SAHWs? Just a thought..

Ooops! Last part got cut off. Continuing on with you working so that you can both achieve your financial goals sooner, I have a great example of that: my in-laws.

My father in law made a great amount of money as a small business owner, and he was more than able to support himself, my mother in law, AND their children (once they came along). My mother in law had no college education when they were first married, and could have EASILY chosen to stay at home and live off my father in laws earnings, however, she chose to work, got through school all the way to her masters, and in time earned MORE than her husband. They both worked until they were able to retire TOGETHER at a VERY young age and raise their family, much younger than they would have if they had just depended on his salary. It’s lovely to be able to stay at home, but wouldn’t it be great to be able to do that WITH your spouse in years’ time instead of by yourself now? I that is much more of a ‘status’ symbol than having one spouse stay at home, since both worked to be ‘stay-at-homes’ and are able to enjoy it together.

http://creoleindc.typepad.com/rantings_of_a_creole_prin/2008/09/stay-at-home–1.html

Brianna,

Yes there is a difference, but they’re both SAHWs. The point is that most SAHWs probably aren’t staying home eating bon-bons all day. Do you know any that you know — for certain — are? And if you do, it’s likely because she’s depressed, not because she’s a SAHW (though even most depressed people I know are more productive).

I don’t think that the husband making enough money is a *reason* to stay home and I doubt that many SAHWs would think of it that way. That’s like saying we bought our house instead of renting because we could afford to. We bought it because we wanted more space, to have a place to call our own, to put money towards building equity, etc. That we could afford to wasn’t the reason, it was what enabled us to make the choice.

As far as equity… no, it wouldn’t be very equitable if a wife was just eating bon-bons all day. However, I’d hope that her husband would be supportive and try to figure out what’s wrong, and not just leave her if she is indeed going through depression or other problems. In the grand majority of cases, though, I bet that the wife is doing plenty of things to earn her keep. I can’t speak for everyone, but my husband has no complaints. He might support me financially, but I support him in many, many other ways. And if I could afford it, I’d love for him to stay home — especially since he’s really the domestic one and I could write a long honey-do list.

Why are there more stay at home wives than husbands, though? Part of it is social, part financial (which is social at its roots, too, of course). Guys still tend to make more than women. My husband makes a good bit more than I ever dreamed of making in my original career path. Also, guys that stay home are — no matter how productive — viewed as not just bums, but as failures by society. I think society is a bit easier on women because there is a traditional expectation that women will stay home because they’re also expected to raise children soon after getting married. However, guys can make great stay-at-home husbands and dads. My dad was the stay-at-home parent while my mom worked. He was in early retirement for health issues, so it’s what worked for them.

Meg’s last blog post..The Fabulous! Festival for October ‘08

Well said, Ginger!

And to Ash,

The thing is that we make choices based on our circumstances! I could work outside of the home, but frankly, I don’t like my options and I’d prefer not to right now. You can have a chronic illness and choose to work outside the house even if it kills you.

I do understand how for some people might see it as a status symbol — I don’t doubt that. However, I certainly don’t anymore than I see being DINKS or a SAHM as status symbols. There are just, to one degree or another, choices. It’s nice when one partner has the option of supporting the other financially, but it’s not like it takes a six-figure salary in most places — especially if you live very frugally. Granted, one might not always have the option, but most couples I think do if they’re willing to make enough sacrifices (as they often have to when one person is disabled or otherwise out of a job). And like any choice, each person has to figure out for themselves if it’s worth the sacrifice.

I guess the big difference between people would be whether they see staying at home a sacrifice you make or a choice that is sacrificed for. I’ve felt a little of both. I made the choice to stay at home because the other options just didn’t seem worth it to us, but we’ve also made sacrifices so that we can live on one income (and at least it gives me plenty of material for FruWiki.com — shameless plug, I know, lol!).

Anyhow, I didn’t sit around as a child dreaming of staying home supported by a husband, but all in all, this part of my life isn’t too bad.

Meg’s last blog post..The Fabulous! Festival for October ‘08

Meg,

The reason that I wouldn’t think of those looking for work, in school, or in between work as stay-at-home is because a)those are examples of circumstance, not choice and b)they imply that the person is not aiming to stay at home. In the original post, the question is of a SAHW as a status symbol, not a result of uncontrollable circumstance (job loss, career change, etc). The use of a SAHW as an item of status operates under the following scenario: couple #1 husband makes enough to support both spouses, so the wife stays at home. Couple #2 husband does not, so wife must work. So there’s where the status comes into play, with the SAHW an indication of wealth. The assumption the other way around is that the non SAHW must work because her husband cannot support both of them. The prejudice goes both ways, and I’ve felt it many times. I’m sure you’re not the type to think that, but we’re speaking in general terms.

For example, I had a good friend who was recently out of work for almost a year, didn’t think of her as SAHW because she was actively looking for work the entire time, she didn’t want to stay at home. Fortunately she could pass on the lower-level jobs that kept coming her way and hold out for one benefiting her career path because her husband made enough to support them for the time being. I also have a different friend who’s husband makes a decent but not remarkable amount of money, yet because he makes juuuuust enough to support them both she chooses not to work. So I consider her a SAHW because its her choice. She has no desire for school, pro bono work, anything, she just wants to be at home. To her, a ‘working’ wife is an indication of a husband with a low salary, which I find amusing because I make about as much as her husband does, but that’s a different story.

It is a personal choice though, and I’m sorry you get those reactions from people. You are giving up a lot by not pursuing your career and letting your husbands take priority.

I don’t think this discussion was meant to lump those that are looking for work, working from home, or in between jobs/in school into the ‘stay-at-home-wife’ group. I wouldn’t think anyone in the above categories qualifies as a ‘stay-at-home’ because they’re actively pursuing something. The question of this as a status symbol would more likely refer to those who choose to stay at home and do nothing because the other spouse can support the both of them.

That being said, it does seem that those who get degrees which they can not find work using or choose to live in areas that offer no career opportunities are effectively counting on being supported. It reminds me of a teenager who can choose to work or not work during summer break…how did you plan to support yourself pre-husband when you were working on these degrees/in these fields that didn’t pay a living wage? Not judging, just curious..

Well, I’d love to have a job. But I just moved to a new area where there are no jobs, we only have (and can only afford) one car, there’s no public transportation, and my husband’s hours are erratic. Ergo, I am a stay at home wife for the time being. Which is fine by both of us. There was a time when he was a stay at home husband and I supported him, so I figure now we’re even.

JustEloped’s last blog post..Cousin

@Megan re: “…but beyond that I don’t see how anyone can sustain a sense of self-worth staying at home just for the heck of it”

Not everyone bases their self worth on a job they get paid for. There are a lot of productive things that one can do at/from home. Plus, many “stay at home” wives spend a good deal of time outside the house. Sure, there probably are people that sit around watching t.v. all day every day, but I doubt that’s the norm.

Sure, it’d be nice if everyone could make money doing what they love, but I have more than a few friends making less than $20k a year in jobs they absolutely hate. Fortunately, they don’t base their self worth on their salary on what their coworkers think. I’m sure they’d love to be able to stay home and pursue other interests. One would be a great writer if she had the time. And several would likely volunteer their time. One wants to help battered women, but doesn’t have the time. Another wants to help people who fall through the cracks of the medical system.

As for me, I’d probably be stuck in a low-paying job that I’d hate if it weren’t for my supportive husband. As is, I am working for a startup and other projects of mine which aren’t bringing in anything more than shoe money at the moment. If I weren’t involved in those projects, I’d be spending more time gardening, writing, and perhaps learning and then making some crafts. I also enjoy helping my husband out with his projects and — while I’m not Martha Stewart by any means — I do enjoy managing the household.

And by the way, I think the same goes for men. I’d love for my husband to stay at home and help around the house! So, I’m not really surprised that my husband likes that I’m a SAHW.

\\”I also know families where both parents work, but the wife makes just enough money to cover her children’s daycare costs, and enough money to buy herself and each of the kids a couple of smoothies a week.

She’s actually spending more money to work than she makes when you factor in work clothes and supplies, gas for the commute, car payments for a car that’s big enough to get all the kids and supplies to daycare”\\

This type of thinking really does bother me though, and I believe is part of the reason feminism gets brought into the debate. This argument only holds if the woman makes a small salary; why assume that the woman is making so little that her salary would “barely cover” costs, but that the husband’s salary must be a) more than the wife’s and b) enough to support the whole family? I too work in a field where many people spend fortunes on transport, professional clothing & dry cleaning, expensive lunches. There’s a solution that’s much less rash than simply quitting – you take your own lunch, take public transport/carpool/telecommute when you can, you buy clothes that work for the office and the weekend, and don’t buy dry clean only items if you can help it. The “oh it costs so much to work, might as well quit” seems like no more than an easy excuse out.

Personally I would probably LOVE staying at home for the first few days, but beyond that I don’t see how anyone can sustain a sense of self-worth staying at home just for the heck of it. Those of us with career positions AND 9 to 5 jobs all find a way to cook and get household stuff done because we HAVE to; I don’t think that’s an excuse to stay home and I certainly don’t buy that it takes and extra 40 hours minimum to do the things that everyone else has to do on top of their job. Even if/when my husband or I make enough where we could live comfortably off one salary and one could stay home it wouldn’t make sense, because if you can live off of one’s salary then that means you could be SAVING all of the others salary!! Isn’t this page about saving and frugality? What better/quicker way to save than to live off spouse #1′s $150K income while saving spouse #2′s $50 or up income?? You’re essentially “paying” for one person to stay home in opportunity cost, which is fine if that’s your thing but if money is ever tight in the future or something unexpected happens you’d have to live with knowing that you could have had X more to fall back on if the stay-at-home-spouse had worked or worked part time. All those hours on the couch don’t seem so important when you think about it like that.

Also, the idea of keeping up education/skill sets in your field in case you ever do have to go back to work is great in theory, but how practical is it? Even in steady fields, it can be EXTREMELY difficult to re-enter the workforce after a few months, let alone a few years. And with today’s job market who can risk that? I would much rather work hard earlier on and be able to retire early with my spouse so we could BOTH be at home and enjoy it together.

I am currently what most people think of as a stay at home wife – but I do telecommute, and I make more money staying home than I could working outside of the home in the area where I live now.

Just because people look and “see” a stay at home wife doesn’t mean that she isn’t making money, or contributing to the family.

I know that a lot of times when I say I telecommute people ask me if I really have a job, or if I just stay at home watching tv all day – and I’m sure that there are just as many people who don’t ask, and assume that I stay at home and watch tv all day.

I’m also a private person, and I don’t think that I should have to explain to you how much money I make, or how I make it so that you won’t think I’m some kind of parasite living off of my husband.

I think that most people do what’s right for them as a couple, and I do think that families with a stay at home spouse have more time together to get to know each other and reconnect, and become a better couple, or a better family.

I also know families where both parents work, but the wife makes just enough money to cover her children’s daycare costs, and enough money to buy herself and each of the kids a couple of smoothies a week.

She’s actually spending more money to work than she makes when you factor in work clothes and supplies, gas for the commute, car payments for a car that’s big enough to get all the kids and supplies to daycare – but it works for her.

I on the other hand, would rather take care of my kids myself than take a job that only covered a little bit more than the costs of daycare.

It comes down to a personal decision most of the time – there are instances where illness is involved, or people are unhireable.

I really don’t think that it’s anyones business whether I stay at home, or work, or not, and I think most people would be a lot happier if they quit worrying about what everyone else was doing and gave more thought to their own situation.

I grew up with a ‘supermum’ of the late 1980′s – an accountant heading her own firm, who was on at least 8 charity boards, managed to run a couple of subsiduary/partnership businesses, chair and run an arts festival every year as well as take care of 3 kids. my dad’s a lawyer so he helped out when he could.

all i can really remember is that it was crazy – everything was always rushed and dynamic and immediate – which was also part of mum’s personality.

looking back now i find it kind of annoying – meals were always thrown together, washing was always hastily and fairly carelessly done, and the house was always kind of clean – or the bits that people could see.

on the other hand……

my boyfriend’s mum stayed home. she sacrificed her career in admin, and stayed home to spend every moment with her two kids. she cleaned, she cooked and everything was pretty all the time, and they certainly loved the attention and had very happy memories.

20 odd years down the track……..

his parents lost everything they had when his dad’s business lost it’s main supplier. my parents are well, more than wealthy (i hate saying that but it’s true). i have a great deal of respect for my mother’s business opinion, but with each year grow further away from her coldness and distance. his mother is constantly concerned over the slightest cough to the point where its highly irritating, and my boyfriend certainly doesn’t ask her advice on monetary matters or his career moves.

20 years on my mother has so many interests it’s hard to keep up and we have no idea whether they’ve jetted off interstate for the weekend or not. bf’s mum is still holding the apron strings as tight as she can, and makes it very clear how much she wants (read: needs) us to go and see her often, as well as how much she wants grandchildren, and that she has replaced her children when they moved out of home with her dogs.

Now, obviously i’ve managed to get two of the farthest extremes here. So what do i do?

Well, at the moment I suppose i’m a SAHGF. My bf works while I expand my publishing business. I get asked and bagged all the time about mucking around at home and ‘getting a proper job’ – particularly from my mum. I’m also on a couple of boards and committees.

Every day our house is spotless, and it really does look beautiful. Every day I make the most beautiful meals because its wonderful for him to come home from his (excuse the cliche) high pressured corporate job to a house where it is lovely looking, clean and tranquil. And I manage to work a good 8 hour day to boot, because we will never have a house if i don’t sort this business out.

(Coming to the point at long last….)

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT IN LIFE?

What i’ve come to realise through all this is it’s YOUR life. You have to get up everyday and do what you’ve chosen to do. No-one else has to.

Figure out what type of life you want and go and make it happen – because hell, why not? It’s not supposed to be a tragic, scratching and scraping mess – where ‘oh well, s**t happens – life’s s**t you get over it’ as my sister in law is so fond of saying.

Life should never, ever be like that. Everything is a choice – so choose what is going to make you happy. Everyone is so inundated with responsibility and obligations they don’t realise they actually have a choice.

Now, I personally want to have a gorgeous white country house, and a beach house. I want my bf to have a benz before he’s 30. I want my kids to experience as much as they want – sport, drama, music etc. I want my house to run beautifully and tranquilly, and be able to cook and entertain regularly. I want to stay home with my kids at least 2 days per working week, but i also want my publishing company to be a national force to be reckoned with. I want to have an actual relationship with my bf when we have kids – not the barely speaking thing many people i know have.

I’ll do it to, but unlike our respective mothers, i’ll do it with balance, and i’ll make sure that i’m happy in the process.

I won’t martyr myself as they did, but i will make it genuinely beautiful because I want to look back at a beautiful life lived with grace.

It’s really quite simple – whether you’re a SAHM, a SAHW, a working mum, a working partner or just a girlfriend – if you’re happy, nine times out of 10 your partner and kids will be too.

And really, at the end of it all, you have no one else to answer to except yourself. And i’m sure as hell never going to look back at something and regret my choices ever again.

I’m a woman, and if I were going to work 40 hours a week, I’d love a stay-at-home husband. (I do currently work 40 hours a week but don’t want to, as I am aiming to have my own business. I’d rather he be the wage slave if either of us have to be. But either way I’d rather it just be one of us.)

Technically, I have enough time to do all the really necessary house work. But after 40 hours of work, 56 hours of sleep, and about 10 hours of unpaid time I spend on my job (comute, getting ready for work), that’s only 62 hours of fragmented time a week to actually live. And I’m supposed to spend it on washing dishes, cooking, packing a lunch, doing laundry, folding laundry, scrubbing floors, and grocery shopping?! And I’m supposed to LIKE that?! Of course I don’t. I hate having to squeeze my life into the little cracks between all the maintenance work.

Having one spouse (preferably the one good at the housework, or at least the cooking) stay at home can improve the lives of both. Since one doesn’t have to go to a job and one doesn’t have to do any housework, they both have a lot more free time! If you are the one to work full-time, imagine waking up to a cheap healthy yummy homemade breakfast every morning, having a cheap healthy yummy homemade lunch packed and ready to take to work, and having a cheap healthy yummy homemade dinner waiting for you at dinner time. No more daily expensive takeout or microwave meal from that one task alone. Ahh… such a beautiful daydream.

The person who can’t stay home for two days without being incredibly bored… Oh my gosh, get a life! Get a hobby! Start a home business! Volunteer! Do something with the dog that he’d actually appreciate!

My boyfriend lost his job a bit ago and has had enough trouble finding a new one that he’s thinking of moving in with me. I offered him free rent in exchange for doing the housework, but he doesn’t want to be a “freeloading boyfriend.” Well, I suppose I can use the money he pays me for rent to hire someone…

Let me offer my perspective as the husband of a SAHW. I get a tremendous amount of fulfillment in being able to provide a life for my wife where she doesn’t have to work. I believe that she appreciates the freedom that she has and is truly able to enjoy her life more without having to worry about the stresses of a job.

She finds plenty of things to do to productively occupy her time, such as training dressage show horses for competition and teaching children how to ride horses.

The benefits to me include that she has plenty of time to take care of nearly all household duties while I’m working, leaving us more free time to spend together. And due to this arrangement she is able to pay more attention to me and is probably more pleasant to be around than she would be if she was stressing out about work stuff.

I’m 25, she’s 22. My mom has never worked so this arrangement seems very natural to me. Her mom was a single mother who worked all the time, so it’s taken some time for her to be comfortable with her self-worth not being defined by having a successful job. We are also blessed to be in a position where financial stress is not an issue – that would probably make the SAHW arrangement slightly less ideal.

I’m a SAHW and soon to be SAHM. I do some freelance work from home that brings in a decent income, but for the most part, I consider myself to be a homemaker.

I’m able to do things during the day so that my evenings and weekends are totally free. My husband and I can just relax and enjoy each other’s company and he doesn’t have to worry about a thing. No errands to run, no chores to do.

When I was working outside the home, both of us were exhausted, and we hated having to do all the housework after a long day of work.

Our arrangement works well for our family, and it makes me mad when people make nasty comments. I don’t tell others how to live, so why should I be judged?

Kacie’s last blog post..A link roundup for an early Labor Day getaway

@LivingAlmostLarge,
But would you stay at home before having kids — or if you didn’t even plan to have kids? That seems to be the issue for some people.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with it per se. Whatever works! And I’d love for my husband to one day be a stay at home spouse, lol. But of course, any spouse who stays at home needs to be prepared financially in case something happens to the other spouse.

Meg’s last blog post..Your guide to a fun (and cheap) vacation in Gainesville, Florida

It always interests me when I read posts about the debate between staying at home and working. I went to a 4 year college and got a degree (and a husband). When we first married, I both wanted and needed to work. 5 years later when our son was born, I was in a position to stay at home because I felt that would be best while we had babies. Now that the kids are in school, I tried going back to work but things at home suffered. I love working, but my kids were getting stressed when I rushed them out the door so that I could get to work on time. I was getting stressed because I’m a type-A personality who wants to do everything perfectly, and my poor husband was stuck in the middle. He wanted to support me working because it’s what I wanted to do, but he was shouldering a lot of extra work at home because I would work all day and then have evening staff meetings, PTA meetings, etc. etc. We found that in order for our family to function, it works best when I’m at home. Even though we both grew up with working moms, we’ve found that the more relaxed pace of having a home-made dinner on the table at the same time every night and a de-cluttered house is worth the financial sacrifices we are making.

Now, while my kids are gone, I find that cleaning the house isn’t as much drudgery as it was before I fully realized my options. I can sit down at the computer and research ways to help our finances. I can take care of my family (including parents and grandparents) when I’m needed. I can volunteer at the school or our church. And when I’m more relaxed, our whole family benefits.

For our family, this works – not because I’m lazy or unwilling to work and make sacrifices for the family, but because I’m finally open to the idea that NOT working is the better sacrifice for all of us.

Wow, I am amazed at the emotional stres people get inot over someone else’s life choices!

I’m a stay at home mom – ducking from the rotten tomatoes

I have several degrees – I practiced tax law at a big city law firm – I LOATHED it – I didn’t pay for my original law degree as I had a full academic scholarship but I did pay, in part, for a graduate tax law degree [financed in part by my law firm while I was there - I paid for the remainder myself when I left - but it was just 1 semester's worth]

I tried some other jobs that made use of my education that were less painful but still completely unsatisfying and ‘jobs’ rather than careers [despite their being careers for others]

After we had children I stayed put – we make about the same as we did when we both worked only now – for much of the time we made far less and I can tell you what I learned during that time:

1. I can live the same life on much less money when I’m not paying for commuting, workclohtes, dry cleaning, lunches, convenience items etc – not judging but it makes my CHOICE easier
2. My husband likes me being at home with the kids – we’d talked about it before we married AND before we had kids so there has been no betrayal of expectations -I read more than one comment of late about how it’s not enough to take care of your kids full time – is is not a job to take care of other people’s kids full time? I’m the ultimate do it yourselfer
3. Do I have time on my hands sometimes? Sure i do – I did when I worked too – there were lumches and phone calls – does no working woman ever kill time online? they must or there wouldn’t be so much vituperative commentary in cyberspace about stay at home wives!
4. But my time [and education] can be well used at home: I have been on charity boards, run the PTA, supported political candidates and helped my community in many ways since I’ve been home – now that my youngest is going to kindergarten I anticipate doing even more of that ‘work.’

So that’s my two cents – I don’t really think much about what other folks might think, but I thought I’d share how OUR choices have gone just to respond to some of what I read

I’ve been a stay at home wife of sorts since moving in with my husband. It started because I was going to college After graduation, I decided to take some time to develop some additional skills and see what I wanted to do for a career. While I didn’t consider it as a job option, I ended up blogging first for myself and then for a startup — which has now turned into more than blogging. Nowadays, I “work” but it’s a startup and I don’t have a real income at this point and it’s a work at home situation.

Some people might see that as different, i.e. stay-at-home versus work-at-home. However, until I have a living income coming in, it’s easy to see what I do as a hobby — not that I don’t take it seriously, but I’ve had others dismiss it as ‘not a real job’.

I think it’s important to mention, though, because I don’t think being a stay-at-home wife means just cooking and cleaning all day. Different people have different hobbies to keep them busy, and many can be very productive. I don’t do much in the way of cooking or cleaning, honestly, but I don’t just watch t.v. all day (not without a computer in front of me at least). I work for the startup, I garden, I care for our chickens, I look into ways for us to save money, live greener, simplify our lives, etc. And that’s not to mention things that I do specifically for my husband ; )

As for my husband, he loves the arrangement. We both hope that I can eventually bring in a decent income and pad my resume in case I need it, but he really appreciates my skills and advice among other things.

Plus, it’s nice that we don’t have to pay for another vehicle and gas and all the other things that come along with working outside the house.

Meg’s last blog post..Your guide to a fun (and cheap) vacation in Gainesville, Florida

The bottom line remains: how does one person’s life choices affect another’s when one is not directly involved? The point should be focused on applauding the fact that we, as women, have the ability to choose our lifestyle, not hyper-judgmental bigotry. If it works for the individuals, the couple and/or the family, more power to them. It doesn’t affect the way I choose to live my life either way.