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Stay at Home vs. Work Debate: Equity vs Choice – Revisited

(image: momlogic)

Is there a perceived loss of equity and partnership because a stay at home wife/mom isn’t “pulling her financial weight”?  Given the feminist fight for equality, should women make the choice to stay at home?  Will our daughters revolt when all is said and done?

Let’s rehash this debate shall we?

Historically on this blog, and I’m sure many other sites-the stay at home mom vs stay at home wife vs working mom/wife debate has been heated and at times unbearable to watch or read.  It’s one of those debates that stirs the ire of many women who feel strongly about their decision -to stay at home or work outside of the home.

When I started writing this blog, I was a graduate student with no real personal income.  Sure, I had PT jobs here and there but nothing really consistent that brought in any significant moolah.  This made me dependent on my husband’s income during until I began working full time.  At the time, I was OKAY and quite content with being a stay at home wife, but if we’re being honest, I was also quite nervous about “not pulling my weight”.  Not because my husband said so but I had a working mom growing up so this was new to me.  I had no real responsibilities and able to come and go as I pleased.  I made friends with a few wives in our community and we’d either go shopping or hang out during the days when I wasn’t burning the midnight oil on campus.

Since then, my position has changed.

Why?  I’m not sure.  Well, let me take that back, I do.  I love working for my own money.  I enjoy making my own money. I am secure knowing that if something were to happen to the other income in our household that I’d be able to hold down the fort.

This isn’t a swipe at stay at home wives or moms because I think we’re all free to make our own decisions around what makes us happy.

Still my position remains the same for women in any situation where they aren’t bringing in money on their own.  Where is your safety net should the other income disappear?

To answer a few questions that have come up and still do even now:

Why then did I think a one person income was more secure than a two person income?

I felt this way because we lived within our means and had a 14 month emergency fund.  If his income was no longer there then we would have the emergency fund to fall back on with no problem.  Usually two income households are stretched to the limit and living outside of their means and this wasn’t the case with us.  If one person loses a job then there’s hardly any savings and the other person must shoulder the burden.  Now, this isn’t the case for all 2 income households but have you seen the average US individual savings rate lately?

Why tout breaking financial ceilings but at the same time support women who stay at home with no job?

Because I can.  Because those women can and choose to do so despite what anyone thinks.  Feminism is about choice and I what works for someone else won’t work for me and I’m OK with that.  At the end of the day women have the right to choose what situation works for them.

Is it something I would choose to do today?  No, I don’t believe so.   Since that time, I finished graduate school and I’ve spent some time in my career.  The decision I’ve come to is that my ideal would be working 15-20 hours per week if I had a child.  Right now I work long hours on site and from home.  When I have kids I’ll need more balance and at this time (child-free) I don’t know that I would want to stay at home all day with my kids.

I’m sure it’s the all encompassing dream that some moms make it out to be but I know better given my day job working in mental health.  Being a mom is a full time job with no breaks and I respect that.  Luckily, I know myself well enough to know that I’d need more of a balance with my career and raising children.

My boss is a great example of this as she owns a business and while she does most of the work from home (I run the daily operations) she gets to be at home with her children (she works from home on other projects) while we make her money.    I’m not mad at that at all!  In fact, this is my new blueprint for balance when I have children myself.

You see, while I want kids, I also know that I enjoy the financial freedom of making my own moolah.  She is living my ideal of having it all- she is a doctor, married, children, successful business and she looks pretty good doing it!    Aside:  I really admire working moms who don’t let themselves go, I want to be like them when I grow up!

I’d love to hear your position on the stay at home vs working wife/mom debate?  Has it changed at all over the years?  If so, why?  Tell us below!

 

 

  • Ariane

    I’ve done both.  Worked outside the home for 10 years and now stay home with my daughter (since she was born 2 years ago).  Although accomplishing something great at work is satisfying, the work I do in my home for my daughter will have a greater, long-lasting fulfillment (for generations).  I treasure the opportunity to stay home with her and teach her, not everyone can do this (not to say we have plenty of money to make it work, rather we make it work with what we have because this is more important to us).  For me, going back to work wasn’t a consideration, this was my new role, Mother.  And as hard and tiring as it can be, it is all worth it.  One of my favorite quotes, “the most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes” by Harold B. Lee.

  • TexMom

    Before I had kids, I had worked for a number of years after college and again following graduate school. I never thought I’d be the type to stay at home. But after the second child and a husband who often worked during the evening, we weren’t comfortable with the daycare hours. We paid off some bills, bought a smaller house, and I quit my job. I have enjoyed my time at home, and even now that my kids are older, I am still at home doing a very limited amount of at-home work. I feel sometimes like I shouldn’t be at home, but there are times when they kids get sick or need something during the day. And there are often after school activities that required varied pick up and drop off times. Without any other family in the community to help, I am not sure how I would hold a full time job and get everyone where they need to go! Plus my younger son has some minor issues and I like being there for him at the end of the school day. Yet I feel the pull at the second one enters high school. I will say that I have never had any one treat me badly for staying home; I think you can stay home or work as long as you find a way to make your family needs the priority, spend enough time with the family, and take great care to work out what is needed when you are at work.

  • Guest

    I’m married, with no children and work FT as a corporate lawyer, and I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with wives (or husbands, in some instances) that choose not to work, whether they have children or not.  If a couple has the luxury of such a choice, the choice is theirs and theirs alone.  I believe that women can make valuable contributions to their relationships when they handle the domestic/social sphere of a couple’s life together.  Not all value can be measured in dollars and cents.  Just because one spouse works and the other does not, it should not mean that they aren’t both equally important.

    Of course, assuming that a woman is in a position that affords her the choice of whether or not to work, there are some issues that have to be considered: 

    First, she has to be sure that she and her husband are in agreement about her staying home and that they both feel they will remain equals.  I would not stay home if I sensed that my husband suddenly thought he could lord it over me because he brought in the money, or if he would resent me for staying home (and many men I know would).

    Second, she has to ask herself if she really wants to stay home — having a career affords you social interaction, skills that are valued in the market, income, independence, intellectual stimulation (hopefully), even if it comes with some frustrations (annoying coworkers, long hours).  Depending on what a woman plans to do at home, she has to ask herself if she will be losing any of this and if she cares.  And obviously most women need to consider what happens if things don’t work out as planned (husband died or becomes disabled; couple divorces).

    Third, she must consider how much the opinions of others matter to her.  In my field, which requires an advanced degree, I do sense some hostility from other women when one of our peers decides to stop working or not come back after having a baby.  And there is a feeling among older female lawyers that my generation is taking everything for granted and moving everything backward — but, frankly, my peers and I seem to want choice more than we want 90 hour work weeks.

    Just some of my thoughts on this.

  • Anonymous

    I believe all spouses should work outside of the home.  Times have drastically changed from when a household could survive on 1 income.  We are in a two income society now.  Unlike times in the past women can get employment and equal pay.  So why not contribute more to the financial pot if you are able and can demand a salary to justify the daycare.  The other thing is that there will be a time when the children are out of the home.  If you stay at home for 4 years or more it might be extremely difficult finding employment once the kids leave the the nest.  You have to think about life after kids as well.

    • Ariane

      Why have kids if you aren’t going to raise them (have someone or daycare raise them)?    Sad!  Money is only money.  A woman can contribute much more to the family than that.  We should be proud of that!  

      • yourfinancessimplified

         Interesting point of view.  I didn’t know it was sad to use day care.  I’m curious, what is your view on PRE-K, elementary school and high school?  A teacher probably will have your child from 7am-3pm.  If said child does a sport or plays an instrument the kid won’t be home until 6pm or later (except PRE-K). 

        If your child is in a KIPP school which does have a PRE-K/Elementary school component the hours are even longer.

        My point being, a person should not not look down on daycare.  You should look at daycare as a natural extension of how education is done in America.

        So, yes you should be proud of being a mother, but let’s not jump off the deep end and confuse daycare with not raising your children.  Especially, if you plan to send said child to public school. 

  • Afford-Anything.com

    I think one of the big “intangible” benefits to working is that you get a sense of identity that’s outside your house and outside your family. It provides you with a sense of self that’s separate from your husband and kids.

    That said, I agree that the feminist movement is all about choice. Each woman should feel free to choose what’s right for her, without feeling social pressure in one direction or the other.

    When I go to family reunions and people ask me what I’m up to, I respond – “Running my own business and investing in real estate” — and instead of saying, “wow, great!” they reply, “well, when are you going to have kids?”

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  • Dr B.

    I am a mom of two beautiful girls (ages 4 and 6) and absolutely love going to my office (own my own business) as well as love staying home attending to my kids. I also love (not necessarily secondary) my role as a wife. Balance to me has always been important, but not so in an equal distribution. Like Ginger, I am very pro-choice in terms of respecting a woman’s right to decide what is best for them. For me, however, I need the best of both worlds to truly feel happy and feel like I am making a contribution to my family and to the profession. I couldn’t have one without the other!

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  • http://www.victory-by-design.com Ahmad Davis

    Ginger, great article!!

    If a spouse should choose to stay at home, then they also should pro-actively put safe guards in place.
    1. At least $400,000 term life insurance on the stay at home spouse (you have an economic value)
    2. At least 10x’s the working spouse’s salary in term life insurance
    3. Occupational insurance on the working spouse.
    4. At least a 6-9 month emergency fund

    Now this is not to say that you have to have all of these immediately in place, but 1-3 should definitely be in place, while you can be actively engaged with #4 in order to take the anxiety away.

    The absolute worst thing you can do is let society or any other influence outside of a prayerful discussion with your spouse help you decide your course.

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  • Maggie

    I think it was a well balanced article. I am the Mom to a 16 yo and 12yo boys. I have always worked outside the home, but I can see a great benefits of a stay at home spouse. It does allow the working spouse to work harder and get ahead. I always hoped for a part time gig, but it never worked out. I’d love more balance now that Hubby is making enough to support most of our needs. I think my boys would benefit more now from having a parent nearby more often at their current stage of life.
    I have a good friend who was bemoaning the possibility of going back to work next year when her youngest son enters first grade. I feel she is feeling like it is a societal pressure, or even her parents. But I told her then only good reason was so that she might have something to fall back on if something unthinkable happened to her husband and she needed to support the family and even then I am confident they have significant savings and disabililty coverage.

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