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Stay At Home Moms And The What If Factor?

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So with all this talk about motherhood, my husband and I have been having pretty frank discussions about my reservations around having a child right now, one of them that I haven’t discussed being adequate and quality childcare. He then asked if I would consider being a stay at home mom devoted solely to raising our kids and my reaction was, uhmm no.

You see, I’m over the guilt imposed by other moms and the SAHM vs Working Mom debate.  Over it.  I’m completely OK with the fact that I am driven by my career and that I have total satisfaction in this area of my life.  So there’s that.  I just realize that I have to figure out how to get what I want while being the wife, mother and professional i aspire to be.

Where i am going with you ask?

Well, while I truly respect the choices of moms to stay at home (the ones who stay at home and truly do NOTHING BUT take care of home and kids, not the mom blogger type raking in the elusive blogger dollars or ones with part time jobs), I have to wonder about the what if factor?

What if your husband keels over heaven forbid tomorrow? What if he decides that you are no longer the love of his life?  Have you seen the scene from Diary Of A Mad Black Woman where he kicks her out and moves the mistress in?   What if you just decide one day that you want to have a career? How do you then get back into the game should one of the above mentioned hammers hit the nail?

I admit to being fiercely independent but only recently so due to finishing grad school and now working, so mama’s bring home the dollas LOL  I don’t have to, but I do because I get a sense of fulfillment in this area of my life and I know that should anything happen, I’m good to go financially.  Still, for the last 3 years I worked sporadically, while finishing grad school.

So my questions to SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms who do not work at all or are in school), what is your plan should the what if happen? Do you have a plan?  If so, what is it? I ask not to incite that tired old debate, but because I truly want to know, and frankly, I think you should know too.

After writing the Economoms post, I received so many emails thanking me for the information and asking about more resources.  So I know that there are some out there who didn’t see this recession coming, with their husbands having lost their jobs, now some SAHMs are forced to re-enter the work force, many 5-10 years out. What’s the plan?

  • Belinda Ramirez

     I’m not a SAHM but there’s one time in my lifethat I badly wanted to be a SAHM. It was very quick though, I realized what I wanted at that moment is a little break from corporate world. For our case, I’m earning more compared to my husband. And with overwhelming debts, this is not the best time to  stop working and focus on the kids. I even work 8+ hours per day. I used to complain about this but I had a change of heart and am thankful for each opportunity that comes my way. I’m just fortunate that both my in-laws are staying with us and they look after out two little boys.

    Best regards,
    Belinda

  • Jenny

    The what if factor is huge… In my situation my husband felt like he had a lot of power being the sole bread winner where I felt like I made a decision that was good for my kids and should be greatly respected. He ended up treating me poorly and threatening me with pulling the rug out from underneath me. Then the what if moment happened when I saw "discrete" charges on the bank card… I'm 5'6 and 115 pounds, this was just about control, he thought he could get away with anything because I didn't have a career and hadn't worked in years. He's wrong. I will scratch and claw to make my way for my kids before I ever condone this pathetic behavior by staying… If your in a realetionship where this is a sfae decision for you then it's totally worth it… If not, make sure you have everything ready just in case.

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  • http://mom-work-at-home.com/ Patrice

    I would rather want to be a work-at-home mom than a stay at home mom. As there are a lot of work-at-home mom out there who are able to managed their life successfully. So why cant I?

  • http://joy-mari.com Joy-Mari

    Scenario 1) You get insurance. Good insurance. Scenario 2) You get a pre-nup. Scenario 3) Get a career. It won't be easy to start from the bottom [again] but nothing's impossible. But no, I'll never become a SAHM. I don't even want children.

  • Rahshell

    I've been at home since I was 34 weeks pregnant and after the baby was born I couldn't bear to leave. Hubby and I mutually agreed I'd stay home as long as finances permitted. Well now the little one is 18 mo going to daycare twice a week and Mama is ready to do something for herself. The obstacle we face is being a military family and Hubby is deployed so I am technically a single parent. For the 'what if' I would probably have to move back with my parents for a while but we'd get through it. I'd like to think my hubby would be kind enough to take care of me for a while but if it doesn't work that way, it's all part of the game.

    this is my first time on the blog and I love the topic, this is definitely something I needed to think about

  • Ginger

    You make good points and I struggled with working FT out of the home. At this point I plan to work part time, be home in the mornings and then see clients in the afternoons and still be home in time for dinner. It's a sacrifice but for me that's what works best.

    You're right, I couldnt be home all day with the kids with no other means of intellectual or recreational stimulation. But that remains to be seen as I am childless right now LOL

  • http://authoranandaleeke.wordpress.com Ananda Leeke

    This is such a needed discussion. Thanks Ginger and everyone for sharing your thoughts.

  • http://www.richchick.com Michelle Matson

    Being a mom of three (5,8,11) who has always worked full-time, I can say that I don't think everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. I think it takes a person with an extraordinary amount of patience and creativity to be at home with the kids and keep it interesting both for them and for yourself. I don't have that gift. I would be a very grumpy mommy if I were at home doing the domestic thing 24/7. That said, working full time means you miss stuff: first steps, first words, volunteering at school, etc. I think every mother has to figure out for herself what they are willing to give up and what they won't. Finding good childcare is tough and always will be. I could go on with this for a long time, but that's my two cents FWIW.

  • http://www.actressontherise.com Danielle

    My friend and I were just discussing this very thing last night! She's a SAHM (in school online) that's now looking for an opportunity to work from home. I intend to be a WAHM instead of a SAHM. The program I'm going back to school for will allow me to run a private practice from home or even on the web. My SO and I were discussing the likelihood of me being able to stay at home considering I am also pursuing an acting career. I will find a way, was my response. I have always wanted to stay home with my children, and will for the very most part, but like you, I am driven by my career.

    Thought provoking article, love it as usual. (my personal thoughts on your sitch, have a baby and post its adorable pics for us, haha)