Moving In With Your Beau? Look Before You Leap
If you know me then you know I enjoy watching “Judge” shows. My favorites being Judge Mathis, People’s Court with Judge Marilyn Milian and even that wench Judge Judy. Even though Judge Judy grinds my nerves at times but she’s often right.
The latter 2 of the 3 always have piercing advice for women shacking up with men when things go sour and now sitting in front of them hoping for a favorable judgement.
My favorites:
- Stop allowing these men to shack up with you while mingling your finances with no concrete agreement about who pays for what!
- If the bank won’t loan him money, then why would you? ”What are you, Bank of stupid?!”
- Sweetheart, don’t ever lend a man money without a promissory note. Or anyone for that matter.
It’s important for women to think about this move carefully before jumping in willy nilly. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the person, but the quality and caliber of their character. Still, I am of the mind that until he puts a ring on it, you need to have a contract and be honest with yourself about the motives on both sides.
If you think it’s wrong to do these 2 things to protect yourself then you need to stop and reconsider this next step.
If you think it’s wrong to ask your beau to sign something that protects you both in the event things go sour, stop and stay where you are.
If you question whether or not he can hold up his end of the bills then STOP.
This can wait. But your retirement cannot. All too often I hear stories of women emptying their bank accounts and 401ks to lend a man money because he is in a bind. Dude of Bank of America won’t lend him the money why would you?
Case and point: Here’s a letter from a reader over at BlackNBougie:
Hey Chele,
Just wanted to say I love the books and your blog first. But I do have an issue to get your opinion on. I met a guy three years ago. Very nice, ambitious and respectful. We got along very well and quickly went from the friend zone to being together. After around 18 months, he proposed and I accepted. We moved in together and started consolidating bank accounts, etc.
He was working as a mechanic at a national chain and got the opportunity to take over a franchise in a suburb about 30 minutes from where we were near Little Rock. To close the deal, he needed about $24,000. He had eight of that. One day he came home and asked me if I would pull the rest of the money out of my 401(k) and savings account.
I work at a hospital as an administrator and have been here for close to ten years. I’ve been very aggressive with savings and putting away for retirement. So when he asked me for the $16,000 I have to admit that at first I was mad that he’d paid that much attention to my finances and knew I had it. Then I felt nervous. My 401(k) would be completely wiped out and my savings would take a serious hit.
But he said we were building a life together and I already knew how profitable the franchise would be. Plus he said that in a few months, it would all be our money anyway. So I agreed with the stipulation that he put the money back as soon as the business started showing a profit. He agreed and we even shook hands on it laughing about sealing the deal.
Fast forward to six months ago. We broke off the engagement for a number of reasons and he moved out. Also, his business is doing very, very well. Up until recently, I had access to the books and there is money coming in. I found out that he only needed about half of the $16,000 I gave him and the rest he used to put down on a house that he’s living in with another woman.
I want my money back. He said because we never had a binding contract, he considered it a gift and isn’t required to pay me. Last time I tried to contact him about it, he got nasty and told me to quit stalking him. I feel fourteen kinds of stupid and wonder if he wasn’t playing me all along. I guess that part doesn’t matter but can you tell me if there’s any way to get the money back? Isn’t this a contract and isn’t a handshake an agreement? Was I just being stupid?
~BZLady
I was so upset reading this letter than I couldn’t even give a proper and measured response. I mean, why do women do this to themselves!? Maybe the penis is just that good. I can’t fathom, well maybe I can but I guarand*mntee you I would still have my wits about me because no man is getting my retirement account. You can get a loan for a house but you can’t get one for retirement. *sigh* Make sure to check out the response over at BlackNBougie.
What advice do you have for this reader? Where do you think she went wrong and have you ever asked a man to sign a promissory note before lending money? Have you moved in with a boyfriend? If so, did you have an agreement set up prior to doing so? Pros? Cons?
My advice? Don’t give a man what he should be earning before he puts a ring on it. I tend to think they get lazy and complacent (some) with nothing to work towards if you decide to live together with no concrete plans for marriage. Concrete=ring, date set, money down on the catering hall, dress and rings paid for. Yes, I know *snort* Pot, meet Kettle. But this pot has some lessons for you kettles out there *wink*
