Is There Equity and Partnership As A Stay At Home Wife?

If you’ve been following our featured post, Stay At Home Wives: The New Status Symbol?, then you know that we’ve been having a rather passionate discussion around what exactly a Stay At Home Wife really means for a woman.

To clarify:

A Stay At Home Wife is a woman who does not have any other responsibility than herself, home and husband. Her husband works full time and she may have charity and/or volunteer duties but to engage in those activities in totally up to her. She by definition has no children, she may be finishing school or have an education (HS, college, graduate). So no children and no job. She can be young, middle aged or elderly and she chooses what activities she wants to engage in. This definition isn’t limited by socioeconomic status, there are women who are stay at home wives with household incomes of less than 40k a year to those who make gabillions of dollars a year.

Does it mean that she is losing her sense of identity? What about her prospects for meaningful work if she ever wants to get back into the work force? Is there a perceived loss of equity and partnership because she isn’t “pulling her weight”?

What are your thoughts?

The last question was a comment made by a reader and I thought it interesting that in 2008 we still think this way. Im in no way criticizing her comment, but I know that most of you who read this blog are either feminists or all about the girl power. Well, part of that power is having the choice to lead our lives as we see fit. Choice. That may include being a career/working mother or it can include being a stay at home wife supporting her husband from home.

I really want to know what you think so feel free to comment answering the above questions.

Tags: Stay At Home Wife

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GingerGirls Just Wanna Have Funds is a personal finance website dedicated to educating and empowering women in the area of personal finance. Our articles center on money management: making it, saving it and growing it which supports our theme: Breaking Financial Ceilings One Stiletto At A Time. We have been featured in Business Insider (contributor), Lifehacker, Consumerist, MSNBC, Essence, Wall Street Journal, Good Morning America and MSN Project Engage Web Series. I believe in a future where women can have financial freedom and choose the life they want to live by taking control of their finances. You only need to want it hard enough while letting go of limiting beliefs around money. Join me as I share tips that will help you light up your financial life and take control.View all posts by Ginger →

http://cassandrajowett.squarespace.com Cassandra

Though I'm not married, I am in a long-term committed relationship in which my boyfriend and I live together. He works full-time and I'm finishing up my fourth year of university.

Equity is a challenge since my funds are limited to my student line of credit and whatever my dad can throw my way. It becomes especially difficult when the boyfriend takes time off work and doesn't bring in money for a while. I don't have enough money to pay for both of us – I barely have enough to pay for myself. It causes strain in our relationship occasionally. However, we know my situation is only temporary and once I graduate in April I will hopefully be able to find a full-time job.

I have an aunt who fits the description you suggested, though. Her children are adults now with careers and although one still lives at home, she's completely independent and makes her own food, does her own laundry, etc. My aunt still considers herself a "Stay At Home Mom." She fills her time by volunteering, organizing church activities, visiting friends and family often. She feels her life is meaningful and I think that's good enough for her and my uncle.

In an interesting twist, however, my uncle recently lost his job and now they're both Stay At Home Spouses. My aunt hates it and feels like her husband is somehow intruding into her territory. She's dreadfully afraid he'll decide to retire early and never return to work, which is possible since they're quite wealthy.
Sarah

Can there be equity and partnership as a SAHW? Of course there can be. Running a household, and helping your husband in his career, can be extremely challenging and time-demanding. Is it always the case? Of course not.

When my spouse and I didn't have kids, and we both worked, we spent every Saturday taking care of household chores, and were never able to finish them in that one day. Inevitable we took a few evenings in the week to catch up on balancing the checkbook, paying bills, washing the car, etc. I can see how a SAHW could fill her days with home obligations including: groceries, menu planning, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, finance managing, etc., not to mention social and civic activities.

My point is this: running a household (and I include the finances in the household) is time-demanding. It sounds like a great partnership to me to have one person earn the money, and the other manage it. Each learns how valuable the money is, and each contributes. Isn't that equitable? Remember, equality and equity are different things. Equity means that things are fairly shared. Each partner working to maintain a household sounds pretty fair to me.
http://fabulouslybrokeinthecity.blogspot.com Fabulously Broke

What do you do that allows your resume to languish on the computer for 2-3 years without any experience in those years? In the IT industry that I work in, to stay relevant, you cannot be off the market for more than a year… year and a half, MAX.
http://fabulouslybrokeinthecity.blogspot.com Fabulously Broke

I have to agree with this reply. Dog has taken the words out of my mouth.
http://intensedebate.com/people/Money_lady Money_lady

Interesting question. The question really is about equity and how a person defines equity. I would tend to define equity first in financial terms because it is something that can be calculated as a metric (happiness or fulfillment would be much more difficult). If the relationship is financially equitable despite the fact that one person does not work – perhaps she retired early, has money from another venture, or comes from money – than that is good. By financially equitable I mean that her standard of living would NOT drop if the relationship were to end. If this is not the case, it is really hard to argue that it is an equitable situation for both parties. It is fairly plain and simple.

This is a big problem as I see it. Too many women don't protect themselves financially and as we know, over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Currently, 75% of elderly women live in poverty because they are divorced or their husbands passed away and they lost access to their husbands pension benefits. This story is all too common. That's why I started my blog recently: http://www.moneylady.wordpress.com.

I say do what you want – but make sure you are living in an equitable situation and protect yourself financially.
http://www.leads4insurance.com Jerry

Well, I'm a guy here so that may be a unique thing in an of itself. The post leads me to think of all the stay at home wives in my friendship circle. The ones that I know do not have a sense of identity loss and live very active and full lives. As far as equity and partnership, that would depend on the marriage. The ones that I know have loving husbands who support (financially and otherwise) their wives in their endeavors. It's a sweet gig, if you can get it. Your mortgage, insurance and all other living expenses are taken care of. My wife, however, would be bored out of her mind.

Jerry
http://www.leads4insurance.com
http://stackingpennies.wordpress.com SP

If my husband offered me an opportunity to stay home, I would do it. But I would occupy myself full time with volunteer work, classes, etc., which does fit in your definition. If the husband makes enough money, I think it is generous of them both to send the wife out (or vice versa!) to take care of charitable duties rather than have her work for a corporation.

If she was getting nothing done except "running the house"… I'd be much more skeptical.

Also, I'm surprised you count being in grad school as SAHW, unless it is part time. My bf is a full time grad student and he works well over 40 hours a week on that, and it is part of a career path.

I also just realized this post is ancient in blog years, but… oh well. I saw a link to it and the title caught my eye!
J. Lynn

That is my question as well. Half of all marriages fail, and the economy is unstable. What happens if your husband loses his job? What happens if he really wasn’t in to the whole stay-at-home wife thing and decides he’s ready for an “independent woman”?
http://www.moneymonk.net Moneymonk

It’s fine so long as a couple does not get a divorce.

I know a woman that was a housewife for 20 yrs and her husband decided to end the marriage. Leaving her with a half of his retirement and a little ssi check because she did not work.

She has no skills and is no comfortable being in the workplace because she has no work experience. It’s hard to start over even harder with no solid skill set

Moneymonk’s last blog post..Is being frugal attractive?
Becka

I do not think there is much, if any, equity or partnership contributed by a SAHW. What is she contributing to the marriage that would not already be there as a given? Some posters in the SAHW debate post cited their ability to provide affection, care, and love for their working spouses…were they not providing that when they were working? Sounds a bit blackmail-ish to me, “Honey I can only give you the love and care you need if you support me 100% financially”, or “I could do such a BETTER job loving and caring for you if you support me”.

As for the household chores, were they not getting done when the SAHW worked? Did the couple just live in filth? “Running a household” is something you have to do if you live on your own. Both parties then, must have been able to “run” their households just fine before marrying each other, why does the combination of the two require that one now stay home? If anything, I think its much easier running my household now that I’m married than when I was single because there are two people but now only one household. The only way I could see a woman rationalizing that she “needed” to stay home to run a household was if she had never lived independently on her own before. I’m talking no roommates, no parents, no one to rely on but herself, then yes it could seem daunting. But that just supports another “feminist” ideal that you should be or aim to be financially independent before you marry. I guess that’s for another post/discussion though.
Ginger

I think much of the views around SAHWs are what we see on TV. Granted I dont know a good cross section of SAHWs but the ones I know are very involved in making their lives work for them as they see fit.

I think the issues come when feminists see it as going back 50 years when the wife’s “job” was to stay at home and tend to the house. Now SAHWs are sitting on high profile committees, getting involved with charity work, focus on homemaking etc etc. All things the working woman would like to do if she had more time.
http://tanyetta.com tanyetta

The way I see it, if it’s working for that couple then that’s all that matters. I would NEVER dream of putting my snoot all up in the business of anyone who clearly has an arrangement that’s working for HER and HER SPOUSE.

I can however tell you if this arrangement is put out there for the public to read and dissect, be prepared for people to come up with their judgements. That’s just how life is. Not saying that it’s right but, if you live this lifestyle and make it publicly known, don’t be shocked when people will judge or make comments regarding it.

I can’t imagine the woman is bored home all day doing NOTHING. There’s always something to do and if she were to get ‘bored’ I’m sure she’s smart enough to find something to do.

I can’t knock the hustle! The only thing I’ll ever say is…..Enjoy your life and what you have going on with your spouse!
http://tanyetta.com tanyetta

The way I see it, if it’s working for that couple than that’s all that matters. I would NEVER dream of putting my snoot all up in the business of anyone who clearly has an arrangement that’s working for HER and HER SPOUSE.

I can’t imagine the woman is bored home all day doing NOTHING. There’s always something to do and if she were to get ‘bored’ I’m sure she’s smart enough to find something to do.

I can’t knock the hustle! The only thing I’ll ever say is…..Enjoy your life and what you have going on with your spouse!
Ginger

Ive added my clarification in the post but a Stay At Home Wife is a woman who does not have any other responsibility than herself, home and husband. Her husband works full time and she may have charity and/or volunteer duties but to engage in those activities in totally up to her. She by definition has no children, she may be finishing school or have an education (HS, college, graduate). So no children and no job. She can be young, middle aged or elderly and she chooses what activities she wants to engage in. This definition isn’t limited by socioeconomic status, there are women who are stay at home wives with household incomes of less than 40k a year to those who make gabillions of dollars a year.
http://www.dogatemyfinances.com dogatemyfinances

We’re talking about WIVES, not mothers, right? So, NO KIDS. And no serious illnesses? No school? No novel writing? No aging parents? Oh, and for the very wealthy, housewives are often full-time volunteers, which is a different kind of job.

With no kids/no job, I’m not sure what a person would do at home all day. This is a serious question. I have no idea. Running a two-person, adult household would take maybe one full day a week. I guess TV and reading and socializing would be the rest.

I only know housewives who are on multiple charity boards, things like that. I would find it REALLY hard to respect a woman who just did nothing. It is incomprehensible to be as an ambitious woman. Remember, no kids people.

dogatemyfinances’s last blog post..Rethinking Secret Santa
http://www.girlyhomewebzine.com ~Y

lol, okay firstly, i cant get past the opening pic. too cute!

secondly, it tickles me that ppl still think staying at home means eating bonbons and catching up on your stories all day long. omg, its such a full-time job in itself. and dont factor in babies/children!!!

however, unless you’ve actually tried this out yourself or know someone personally who has (and spent the day with them), i can somewhat understand the perspective of ppl who criticize it. until i had spent the month with my sister when her baby came, i had NO idea how much of a handful a newborn was… along with running the household. and until i’d had girlfriends who were SAHWs i didnt appreciate the full extent of what they did either. *shrug* sometimes you have to see things to believe them.

~Y’s last blog post..12 Ways to Organize Your Laundry