If you’ve been reading this blog for some time then you know that I am truly on a  quest to “have it all”.  I want the man, the house, kids, degree and picket fence all by 30, and I got started at 26.

But is this possible?  More importantly, necessary?

My take is that we’re growing up in a generation where women have the opportunity to garner far more accomplishments than their mothers and frankly this is exciting.  We’re going to college at a rate higher than men and going on to the labor force in increasing rates than in previous generations.

But at what expense?

Personally?  I am at a point where Im married, own a home, have the degree, puppy on the way and an awesome career that I love.  But at 29 it means that my clock is ticking even louder with the prospects of applying to a doctoral program which means delaying children for a few more years and continue to build my career in the mean time.  

I often vacillate between telling my husband we should get started now on children and let the chips fall as they may or just plan for 2-3 years from now once I feel I am more settled in my career.  I admit, to secretly resenting that I need to consider so much of my career when planning children.  I keep thinking about the right time and I have no idea (well I do) as to when that will be.

So after doing some reading and talking with other moms who had to contend with this decision they gave me this advice: (aside: understand I am no fly by the seat of your pants kinda gal so all this planning serves a purpose)

Temper Expectations:  You can have it all but within moderation.  Temper your expectations based on your own abilities not literally having it all because with that comes doing it all which is never fun unless you’re an Alpa Mom.

Plan, Plan, Plan:  If you’re career is important to you then plan as best as you can but do so knowing that children don’t come with a manual, index or table of contents.  Life sorta just happens that way when you have children so while you can plan for certain logistical issues lie childcare and school, there are other issues that may arise that you cannot.

Define What Success Means For You:  Notions of having it all without further examination conjures up images of a fabulous career, perfect husband and children, house/backyard/picket fence in a desirable neighborhood and an array of supportive friends and family.  The reality is that it all comes at a price as life isn’t perfect.  You may have a great career but work upwards of 60 hours a week, while managing marital problems and children who may be struggling in school with academic and behavioral issues meanwhile the mortgage is due and you’re worried about making this month’s payment.  

So you see, you can have it all but at what price?  

What is acceptable to you?  Is it maybe working less hours to have enough time for your spouse and children?  Is it having the time to focus on a new business venture which will bring in another stream of income?  This is all on your terms, define it for yourself, not based on societal expectations or the newest ad running in Vanity Fair or Real Simple.  In short?  Give up the idea that “having it all” is only attainable based upon societal definitions, define what it means to you and then work backwards to get there.

Manage The Unexpected Expectation Hangovers:  Expectation Hangovers is a term coined by Christine Hassler which means:

“group of undesirable feelings that arise when a desired result isn’t met.” Simply, things don’t turn out the way you planned and you are experiencing symptoms that are as miserable as those from a hangover from alcohol (lethargy, depression, regret, and so on).”

For example, right now my goal for the next five years is to get accepted to a doctoral program, have our first child and begin my career as a psychologist.  If that doesn’t happen then what?  I could still have a great career where I am right now because Im learning to enjoy each and every moment now instead of looking to the future for my happiness.  

Barring any issues with infertility, we expect to have children so I don’t foresee a problem there.  The lesson?  Manage your expectations so that no matter what happens you’ll be happy no matter where you are in life.  

What does having it all mean to you and how do you plan to get there?

(Image: Ms. Magazine)