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Couple Arguing

Financial Abuse: 6 Signs And What You Can Do About it

Financial abuse is something that we rarely hear about since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of an abusive relationship.  Very rarely do the women in these relationships speak of the issue because of the shame attached to having to account for every penny spent or even ask for money just to purchase the very basic necessities in life.

So what are the signs and what can be done about it?

Forced Career Choices

Women in financially abusive relationships are often forced to take career paths they would not have chosen on their own.  This keeps them from succeeding, eventually becoming financially stable and independent in their own right.  Many women in these situations are either stay at home moms or if they do work, it is part time with the permission of their spouse.  If the woman is lucky enough to be able to work full time in such a relationship then her partner often sabotages her career/work life by forcing her to stay home or giving an ultimatum around quitting the job or ending the relationship.

Every Penny Spent Is A Penny Tracked

Every penny, and I mean every penny must be accounted for when given to the woman in this relationship.  If it cannot be accounted for then the emotional and even physical abuse ensues and consequences are handed out.  This many involve being given less money for basic necessities or being forced to beg for money.  The feeling of being trapped in the house with no money for gas, food or transportation is crippling and women in this type of relationship stick to this rule or they know they will suffer the consequences

No Bank Accounts

No personal bank accounts.  No debit card.  No savings accounts.  No checking account.  All money comes from one source.  The working partner.  This puts the woman in the position of relying on her partner for her very existence, hand to mouth.  She is not allowed to have a job and if she does then her checks go to her partner who deposits the money in a separate account not within her control.

Threats Of Leaving

This is one of the most overt forms of financial abuse.  Threatening to leave or deny financial support knowing that the woman is unable to support herself without the finances of her partner.  Once the partner levies such a threat, control is established since she knows without her partner, her daily needs won’t be met.  So, she stays in her lane and keeps herself in line fearing that without her partner, she will be destitute with no place to go.

Lazy Bum -Deadbeat-My Woman -Is-My-Momma Syndrome

This is where the man makes the woman work because he is unwilling to work and be a contributing financial partner in the household.  But, don’t think for a minute that the men in these relationships aren’t in control.  They still engage in all of the above-mentioned behaviors, but they take and control all of the money coming into the home.  All the household bills are usually in the woman’s name and he never pays them, forcing her to work harder while never seeing the fruits of her labor.

Forced Family 

In this situation, the woman is essentially pregnant every other year of the relationship, ensuring that she will never have the chance to return to work.  Depending on her earning power, with the birth of each child, the cost of childcare makes it impossible to return to work.  Her life’s work is to care for children and her partner while never knowing what it is like to taste financial freedom and independence.  Ultimately, the woman in this relationship is dependent upon her partner for her survival.

 

What Can Be Done About It?

  • Leave.  Plan your way slowly or swiftly out of this relationship and leave.  Relationships like this can never be trusted to become equitable since so much of it is about power.
  • Reach out to trusted friends, relatives or even a local church who many be able to house you until you’re able to get on your feet.
  • If vocational training or education is a barrier to getting a job then start going to school online.
  • Skim money from whatever is given to you and save little by little.  Every bit adds up.  Open a bank account in secret and stash your money until you’re ready to leave.  Ask friends and family for donations to this account while noting you will pay them back once you are on your feet.  Start a blog and learn how to monetize it.
  • Get a job in secret.  For example you can say that you’re volunteering and get a PT job walking dogs or babysitting while he is away or working during the day.
  • Establish credit.  Get a secured card that you keep only at a friend’s or family member’s house in a locked box.  Use it to make purchases while building your credit.
  • Research all options with regards to government assistance around food stamps, housing and community based services.  When stepping out for the first time, this may be a temporary option to get you from point A to B while you establish yourself.
Have you ever been in a financially abusive relationship?   What  tips do you have for women in this situation?  
  • unannannan

    wow, how about you don’t write such sexists things and realize that this goes both ways. Men are held down by women too.

  • gellybean

    I dont know if this is the same thing but my husband pays the rent, phone and car and expects me to pay the rest ( electric,internet/phone) I worked making enough to manage these 2 bills with no other money to my name. My folks send me money when they can, and I manage to put towards groceries, because he really shops maybe 2 times a month spend 60-70 each time, we have a 8 yr girl, he does not buy her clothing, now he plans on getting seperated and moving to NY, we live in W. KY right now and I have no one here. He he leaves us, I will have to move to were my folks are, or try and make it here, which I dont think I can do without state help. We have been together 20 yrs and married for 9, he doesnt think he will have to pay me alimony because he says he will not be working or doesnt make enough, any ideas, folks.

  • anonymous

    My husband n I have been married less then a year. We have together 3 yrs. I have noticed he does not help with bills. When he does its every so often, I guess enough I his eyes. I have to children and have always been a single mom. I am married now and still feel like a single mom if not worse because Im supporting my husband. I don’t know how to open this coversation up. I dont feel comfortable. I am no gold digger I could provide for my kids n I very before but now I am living paycheck to paycheck. He is very stingy with his money and when I ask for gas (since I do drive him to work) he looks upset but doesn’t admit. Im not expecting 100. Im expecting 50/50. How do I aprroach this in good terms?

  • Bob

    I earned the money, working two jobs because she REFUSED to work, yet SHE would not let me spend a dime of it! Shame on the author for making it seem like only the poor, weak wimminfolk suffer from abusers!

  • missx

    I have a really difficult situation with my partner and would appreciate some advice. My partner and I have been together 5 years, when we met we were both unemployed. The situation in my country is bad for employement but I got work, enough to support us for basics anyway. Obviously I want my partner to be happy and I try to make sure our money stretches from pay packet to the next, and often that means I do without stuff that I’d like to buy (or sometimes need but know I can’t budget for). My partner treats money like it grows on trees. He’ll take a tenner to buy something that costs 5€ and even if I say, don’t spend the change we need to pay a bill, he just spends it all. I don’t want to be d*ck and not let him have any money at all, but sometimes I literally HAVE to, or we wouldn’t have anything to eat. Am I being financially abusive by not wanting to give him our last cent to spend on himself?

    • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

      Nope. Youre doing the right thing.

  • No

    Sexism abounds on this site.

  • Dr Opingo

    I give DR FREEDOM all praise for returning my husband with his spiritual spell power and I from the far country. Next month marks a year of our reunion. I have discovered He has many lessons to teach His children. I was reminded of where I was this time last year. Because of my sin, my husband filed divorce and was in another relationship. I was home alone attempting to get our children ready for school. Filling out all of the forms was heart breaking. A different address for dad, trying to find an emergency contact, filling out applications for free books and lunches. I give DR FREEDOM the great spell caster i ever see in my life who is so honest and grateful to me all the glory, honor, and praise as this year my husband is at my side. We have a lot of work to do to win the trust back that was lost but I know that no weapon formed against us will prosper. I am so grateful to DR FREEDOM for the help of bringing back of my husband thanks DR FREEDOM i promise to share your testimony and bring more people to your temple if you help me, now everything work according to our plains i will stop sharing your testimony. you can reach his email via:([email protected])

  • kasha lucky

    I am kasha i lives in uk and i was in a serious relationship with my ex guy for three good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to one of the spiritual diviner ([email protected]).at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement,so i did what i was ask to do, after 3 days i was in my office when my ex guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Ceslav)…i wish you the best of luck…

  • DAS

    I know someone who is trapped in this situation. She has severe pain issues with etiology yet to be determined— and unable to work. So, no job, no insurance, no cash. She is reliable on her husband. The problem is that he is abusive. He will yell at her at the top of his voice for HOURs (not minutes), has tackled her/pushed her, took bolts off door when she tried to lock him out. Tells her she is causing him to act this way. But he is smart to not cause obvious bruises yet. She has 3 & 6 yo kids. Well, her 6 yo son has recently told his Maternal grandparents and Paternal grandma that Dad is always yelling, and is ASKING FOR HELP! The husbands Mom is a retired social worker, and an enabler who blames the wife. She told him there is nothing she can do. The wife’s parents are not well – one is in ICU after having stroke (yet alert enough to express concerns on deathbed) and the other is getting treatment for cancer. How can the wife leave when she has no job, no insurance, no money? If she gets divorce, then she will get kids 50% time and will not be able to protect her son who will be left with his father- the person he is trying to protect his mother and self from?????

  • moore

    Hello every one, i just want to share a few testimony about how my marriage got saved by [email protected] . I had a fight with my husband and he got mad at me and decided to bring in another woman, i know i did wrong and was scared of loosing him, when he brought in another woman to the house, i thought i have lost him already and that was when i had to use [email protected] spell and i was amazed the way the spell turned the table around and made my husband start chasing me and want to be with me again. am so happy now that my husband is back to me and me alone

  • Peter blessing

    Hello
    Hello,everyone my name is Favour Frank from Canada i never ever believed in spell until i meet a man called prophet viky who help me cast a spell that bring back my ex-lover who left me for two years before our marriage,His spells works beyond my imaginations and today i am happily married with two kids and me and my [ex-lover] now husband are very happy more than ever before,what more can i say rather than to say thank you Dr saga mudo for been there for me,contact him today and your life will never ever remain the same his email is [email protected]

  • Miss Georgina peckett

    Hello,
    my name is Miss Georgina peckett, I’m from USA.
    I want to inform you all that there is a spell caster that is genuine and real.I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Gilbert, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found consultant.kalakuta spells and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. Several days later, my phone rang.Gilbert was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn’t brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend you if you are in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be. you can contact the spell caster on– [email protected] he’s very nice and great.

  • fiet

    Hello! I want to share my testimony with all of you in this blog. Therapist Oniha gave me the possibility to start my new and happy life with my lover. The commitment and Marriage spells worked beyond my imagination. This wonderful spell will always be in my memory as the start of our new life. We had the most beautiful wedding and I was in the seventh heaven from happiness. I am sure that this feeling will be with us during whole our life and will never leave us. We’ll remain grateful forever. Please my friends if you need the help of this man just contact him true email [email protected] he can help you in any relationship problems.

  • Guest1

    So my husband and I have been married 5 years together 6. My marriage is showing all the signs of financial abuse. He has worked our entire marriage. I worked 2 years up until 2 years ago I was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and had a lower back surgery 1 1/2 ago. Around the same time I was diagnosed with seizure disorder. With having these problems Dr’s have advised me not to work. I’ve applied for Disability because not only do I have the medical issues I have a few more but it’s been denied which from my understand is fairly common. My husband joined the military 2 years ago so we live post Housing. My whole marriage he has been controlling, but more so since he got into the military. He left for a deployment 11 months ago, during which time he set me up with an allotment of $500 dollars, all of which were to pay his bills, , grocery shop, and send him care packages. By the time bills we’re paid and Cate packages were sent I had about 100 left for food shopping for me and our daughter whom is 12 AnD has a growing appetite . When he turned he was upset that I didn’t save any of this money. I don’t see how that’s possible. He came back with with about r 20k saved in his acct and I have yet to see a thing out of it. He refuses to by groceries for the house until it’s exactly one month later. I have to beg him. Yesterday I had to take am hour trip to the doctors for my medication refill and I told him my meds would be $10 I had to pry that out of him by begging well he have me $15 and well I bought a drink with the extra $5 and oh boy did I ever hear it. All I do expect him to pay for event and I’m good for nothing. So on and so fourth. I’m afraid to ask him for anything, because whenever I do I get called names or questions where every some goes and if it’s not where he wanted it to go it’s over. He also threatens to leave all the time, and says when he does I won’t get a some from him. Is this normal!? How can someone be so selfish?

    • http://www.facebook.com/JessicaAlstonCarter Jessica Bower

      He’s military, if you just call his commander and tell him your husband is abusing you emotionally and financially they will take care of it. He well go barracks housing and you will keep the house and an allotment of whatever his BAH. You’re the spouse, you are more important. Remember that.

    • Allen Schroeder

      what a serious douche bag your husband is. Leave him immediately. No one can survive on 500 alone. Sounds like he just wants to save money for his toys instead of providing for his family like a real man. I agree with Jessica Bower’s comment go to his commander ASAP and provide proof of this financial and emotional abuse. I hope you’ve already done it, if you have please comment back and let us know how you are doing.

    • Nojuan Especial

      Okay, first of all- If you have no money that constantly, and the first thing you do with a spare FIVE dollars is buy ONE drink, then it’s kind of obvious you have no financial sense at all, because that was absolutely retarded.

      Second of all, you’re a woman, with a child, married to a military man. Grow a backbone, report him to his superiors, leave his ass, sue him for child support, and get your disability, in addition to food stamps and medicaid (for you AND your daughter), which come WITH the disability.

      Get an SSDI lawyer. A good one. The absolute best one you can possibly find, and hire him/her.
      It isn’t widely known, but I’m gonna tell you now, disability lawyers are not like other lawyers, they are special. Magical, even, compared to other lawyers. Everyone who needs disability should get one, before you do anything else (except talking with doctors!! #1-Doctors, #2-Disability Lawyer).

      The reason is because disability is a PAIN IN THE ASS complicated, and close to impossible to get without some kind of lawyer, or help from one. But the thing is there’s is NO reason to bother trying to do without one. The first thing to know is that your first disability payment will be a “back payment” that begins accruing from the first day you file your application (For example, if you are awarded $650.00 a month, and it took you exactly two years from application to decision you can expect your first disability check to be appx $15,600) A federal regulation controls how much a disability lawyer can charge you, and when he can get it:

      The maximum a disability (Whether SSDI or Supplemental Security) lawyer can charge is $6000.00, or 10% of the initial payment- whichever is LESS. And they don’t get the payment unless AND until you are awarded benefits. So all disabled people can afford a disability lawyer. =)

      Warning: There are some lawyers/firms that will ask for “fees” for filing certain paperwork for you, or other random small things, but a great proportion of attorneys don’t resort to this sneaky tactic. So meet multiple lawyers, in person and ask about their policies and any fees etc to make sure you hire a lawyer and not a shark.

      I’m sorry about my tone at the beginning, but people who see that they’re sitting in water up to their neck and just stew in it, as if they hadn’t the sense to stand up irritate the hell out of me. You’re a member of the more intelligent half of the most intelligent thing in the currently knowable universe… Act like it, you know? >:T

  • Harold Pamela

    Harold Pamela is my name. When my boyfriend left me for another woman all I could think about was getting him back. I was not out of the closet to my family and had lived a straight lifestyle my entire life until recently. My boyfriend cheated on me and moved out of my house when I was away at work. I had a love spell cast by [email protected] and within three days, he was at my doorstep once again. I was so relieved!! Him coming back to me gave me the strength to tell my family about us and the time we spent apart really brought us closer together than we ever have been! I highly recommend their love spells because they work very well!

  • Katie

    He will not call nor come and visit me,and when i see him i will continue to complain and don’t have my time and when i ask him if i offend him,he will say no and i don’t know why he keep on doing this to me. I love him so much that i cant let him go or lose him for another girl, i always cry both day and night.I will still go to him and apologize,the problem i was having with him over some month ago is that he don’t pick my calls and don’t want to see me,he will go around telling people that i am pest to his life,and also tell them to tell me that he don’t love me again.And this is a man that we have have been dating for over three years and now he thorn me down,but i give glory to [email protected] who find in this forum and he was faithful and able to solve my problem for me.Now i am happy he his back to me and he treated me like a baby.

  • Anonymous

    So, while my relationship doesn’t show any of the six signs in this article, per se, the bit about having to ask for money for the basic necessities of life definitely rang a bell. So does the “having to account for every penny” bit, to an extent. My boyfriend doesn’t ask me to explain every penny I said, but he seems so annoyed whenever I ask for money that I feel like I have to account for everything. He’s on a business trip right now, but I’m planning to talk with him about this when he gets home. I’ve been dissatisfied with how he’s been handling things with me and money for a while now, and it’s getting to the point where I can’t ignore it.

    I moved in with my boyfriend in February of last year. He works in a responsible profession and makes $70k/year. I have a university degree but have had a lot of trouble finding work. When we moved in together, the plan was that I would get a job and cover my own expenses, while he covered the bulk of the collective expenses.

    However, contrary to our plans, I haven’t been able to find work. I have disability issues that severely limit my ability to spend a lot of time applying for jobs, so I haven’t applied as widely as I should have, but the results my applications have gotten have been quite discouraging. I feel helpless to get a job, and he’s been feeling increasingly resentful of all the time I spend non-productively (mostly on the computer) while he’s working hard at his job. I can understand his frustration at my playing computer games while he’s working hard, especially since my disabilities are invisible, but I wish he understood a little better that I’m frustrated too.

    I did find work for a little while. It was telemarketing, and the environment was so emotionally abusive that I was calling lawyers after less than two weeks. I couldn’t find anyone who could intervene quickly to help me, and I couldn’t return to work without aid, so I ended up having to quit. But even though I told my boyfriend, in tears, that I couldn’t stand it anymore, he still resented for months that I didn’t stick it out at that job. He tried to suppress the resentment most of the time, but occasionally it would come out, mostly in fairly mild ways. I wish he fully accepted that I truly couldn’t have stayed at that job.

    He gives me a cheque at the beginning of the month, and pays me back for groceries after I buy them. The size of the cheque was livable when I had insurance paying for my prescription medications, although it allowed me few luxuries. It’s not livable now that my insurance has run out. Without insurance, my medications cost $400/month, so I’ve had to ask my boyfriend for extra money to pay those bills. I was counting on new insurance kicking in this month, but I just found out that it doesn’t cover my $250/month med, so we’re not going to get as much financial relief as I was hoping for with this new insurance. Also, I have had some fairly hefty additional medical bills–$800 a few months ago, and $500 coming up. My boyfriend has been paying the bills, but reluctantly enough that I feel really bad about it. I hate that he has had to sink so much money into my medical expenses when we were expecting me to be self-sufficient, but I also hate feeling guilty whenever I need money for something.

    I’ve started a full-time college program this week, in the hoping of learning some skills that will help me actually get a job. I will be getting financial aid, but it won’t arrive for a few more weeks. Also, much of it will be loans, even though I already have a lot of student loans from my university degree, so I want to spend as little of it as possible. Because of information that I didn’t get until classes started this week, I need $365 in books that I wasn’t expecting. When my boyfriend left on his business trip, he left me enough money for the medicine and groceries I needed to buy, but I didn’t ask for money for the books because the amount was so much.

    I have been explaining to my instructors that I can’t afford my books until my financial aid comes in. They’ve been willing to accommodate, but it’s starting to get really humiliating, having to constantly explain to people that “I can’t afford X” even though my boyfriend makes $70,000/year. I’m just getting really, really tired of having to live hand to mouth, asking for money for everything, and always having my boyfriend obviously unhappy at having to give me yet more money. Even though he doesn’t say much, it’s clear that he’s frustrated by the situation, and doesn’t want to give me any more money than he absolutely has to.

    It’s just frustrating, me having to live like a poor person while he’s financially comfortable. I realize he has to save for retirement, since he doesn’t have a pension plan. However, it really hurts to have him eating breakfast out every morning and often buying books for recreation, when I’m having to explain that I can’t afford the books I need for school, explain to the dentist that I have to wait for necessary treatment until my new insurance kicks in, etc.

    My boyfriend doesn’t ask for an accounting of everything I spend, or ask for any sort of access to my bank accounts. He was also okay with me spending a chunk of the money that my parents gave me for Christmas on clothes, since I didn’t know about the extra books I needed yet. However, he grumbles about the bills enough that I feel like I have to justify everything. I hate getting an annoyed sigh every time I hand him a grocery bill. He also made an offhand comment recently that of course he wouldn’t give me access to his credit card (I wasn’t asking for it), and even though I’d rather keep our finances separate, it made me feel like he thought I couldn’t be trusted with money.

    I like most other aspects of our relationship. I realize that my joblessness, my medical expenses, and the higher food expenses caused by my medical issues are all frustrating. I just hate constantly being made to feel guilty about money for things that I need.

    I’m going to talk to him about this, and possibly show him this post, when he gets back from his business trip. Having him gripe about my textbook money when I know he has thousands of dollars in the bank is more than I’m willing to tolerate without protest. I don’t feel that the situation is irredeemable at this point, but things really need to change.0

    (Later update–I deleted and reposted this comment: Boyfriend agreed to pay for my books without too much complaining. I’m hoping that a reasonable conversation will improve things.)

    • independent woman

      Ok I can understand your frustration and feeling guilty but unless I am missing something here, you guys are NOT married and therefore your BOYFRIEND has absolutely NO obligation to ‘take care’ of you. You sound like a self-entitled brat to me. Yes he can and probably should help you (which like you said he does, even though he is resentful of it) but the fact that you’re mad that he gets to eat out ect…while you’re struggling, how is that HIS fault? What right do you have to ANY of his finances? Again, I understand that you’re struggling and are working towards finding a job, but your BOYFRIEND, (NOT HUSBAND) has NO obligations what so ever to ‘help’ you. Answer me this: what if you guys weren’t living together, how would you be living now? I just can’t understand the self-entitled-ness that some people have about OTHER PEOPLE’S money. Wow, the audacity!

  • kisekileia

    So, I think my relationship is towards the milder end of the “financial abuse” spectrum–but I do think it’s on there. My boyfriend is on a business trip right now, but I’m planning to talk with him about this when he gets home. I’ve been dissatisfied with how he’s been handling things with me and money for a while now, and it’s getting to the point where I can’t ignore it.

    I moved in with my boyfriend in February of last year. He works in a responsible profession and makes $70k/year. I have a university degree but have had a lot of trouble finding work. When we moved in together, the plan was that I would get a job and cover my own expenses, while he covered the bulk of the collective expenses.

    However, contrary to our plans, I haven’t been able to find work. I have disability issues that severely limit my ability to spend a lot of time applying for jobs, so I haven’t applied as widely as I should have, but the results my applications have gotten have been quite discouraging. I feel helpless to get a job, and he’s been feeling increasingly resentful of all the time I spend non-productively (mostly on the computer) while he’s working hard at his job. I can understand his frustration at my playing computer games while he’s working hard, especially since my disabilities are invisible, but I wish he understood a little better that I’m frustrated too.

    I did find work for a little while. It was telemarketing, and the environment was so emotionally abusive that I was calling lawyers after less than two weeks. I couldn’t find anyone who could intervene quickly to help me, and I couldn’t return to work without aid, so I ended up having to quit. But even though I told my boyfriend, in tears, that I couldn’t stand it anymore, he still resented for months that I didn’t stick it out at that job. He tried to suppress the resentment most of the time, but occasionally it would come out, mostly in fairly mild ways. I wish he fully accepted that I truly couldn’t have stayed at that job.

    He gives me a cheque at the beginning of the month, and pays me back for groceries after I buy them. The size of the cheque was livable when I had insurance paying for my prescription medications, although it allowed me few luxuries. It’s not livable now that my insurance has run out. Without insurance, my medications cost $400/month, so I’ve had to ask my boyfriend for extra money to pay those bills. I was counting on new insurance kicking in this month, but I just found out that it doesn’t cover my $250/month med, so we’re not going to get as much financial relief as I was hoping for with this new insurance. Also, I have had some fairly hefty additional medical bills–$800 a few months ago, and $500 coming up. My boyfriend has been paying the bills, but reluctantly enough that I feel really bad about it. I hate that he has had to sink so much money into my medical expenses when we were expecting me to be self-sufficient, but I also hate feeling guilty whenever I need money for something.

    I’ve started a full-time college program this week, in the hoping of learning some skills that will help me actually get a job. I will be getting financial aid, but it won’t arrive for a few more weeks. Also, much of it will be loans, even though I already have a lot of student loans from my university degree, so I want to spend as little of it as possible. Because of information that I didn’t get until classes started this week, I need $365 in books that I wasn’t expecting. When my boyfriend left on his business trip, he left me enough money for the medicine and groceries I needed to buy, but I didn’t ask for money for the books because the amount was so much.

    I have been explaining to my instructors that I can’t afford my books until my financial aid comes in. They’ve been willing to accommodate, but it’s starting to get really humiliating, having to constantly explain to people that “I can’t afford X” even though my boyfriend makes $70,000/year. I’m just getting really, really tired of having to live hand to mouth, asking for money for everything, and always having my boyfriend obviously unhappy at having to give me yet more money. Even though he doesn’t say much, it’s clear that he’s frustrated by the situation, and doesn’t want to give me any more money than he absolutely has to.

    It’s just frustrating, me having to live like a poor person while he’s financially comfortable. I realize he has to save for retirement, since he doesn’t have a pension plan. However, it really hurts to have him eating breakfast out every morning and often buying books for recreation, when I’m having to explain that I can’t afford the books I need for school, explain to the dentist that I have to wait for necessary treatment until my new insurance kicks in, etc.

    My boyfriend doesn’t ask for an accounting of everything I spend, or ask for any sort of access to my bank accounts. He was also okay with me spending a chunk of the money that my parents gave me for Christmas on clothes, since I didn’t know about the extra books I needed yet. However, he grumbles about the bills enough that I feel like I have to justify everything. I hate getting an annoyed sigh every time I hand him a grocery bill. He also made an offhand comment recently that of course he wouldn’t give me access to his credit card (I wasn’t asking for it), and even though I’d rather keep our finances separate, it made me feel like he thought I couldn’t be trusted with money.

    I like most other aspects of our relationship. I realize that my joblessness, my medical expenses, and the higher food expenses caused by my medical issues are all frustrating. I just hate constantly being made to feel guilty about money for things that I need.

    I’m going to talk to him about this, and possibly show him this post, when he gets back from his business trip. Having him gripe about my textbook money when I know he has thousands of dollars in the bank is more than I’m willing to tolerate without protest. I don’t feel that the situation is necessarily irredeemable at this point, but things really need to change.

    • kisekileia

      Update: Boyfriend agreed to pay for my books without too much complaining. I’m hoping that a reasonable conversation will improve things.

  • Frustrated as hell

    In our relationship it goes both ways…He will get a job but not keep it, he runs up credit cards in my name, hides the bills and asks me for any spare cash for smokes and coffee. I have had to place holds on his credit card (he is on my account) and change my banking codes so he doesn’t know them. I hound him about every penny he spends (cause he does odd jobs for friends for cash) and everything he does every day that may cost more money. I work and he stays with the kids. we have both threatened each other with leaving and I have forced him to go back to school or training etc to get a job, not caring what but needing it to make him employable. We both need to change things but I don’t know how to talk so he will listen.

  • gratitut

    I recently have a good luck spell cast on me by Therapist Oniha and I
    want anyone to tell me how it use to work because still I had this
    spell cast on me different companies has been coming to me for me to
    work with them and I do not really know which of the companies is the
    right one for me and I’m so happy because since last 7months I lost my
    job and I have been looking for job and I was unable to get one for
    myself till I had this spell cast on me so is there anyone that can
    advice me on which of the companies that is right for me? And I also
    thank Therapist Oniha for his help too anyone in need of help with spell
    I will advise you to contact him on this email and i also learn that he
    helped people solve their relationship problems also:
    [email protected]

  • Helpmeplease

    Hello to all,
    I am currently dealing with these same issues. My spouse uses my credit to obtain credit cards, loans, etc. He has bad credit. He has all of my info so he will apply for stuff using my info, then add himself as an authorized user. He will either tell me after the fact or I will get the bill in the mail. I do not have a job so he manipulates the info on the credit app to get it approved. If I say anything about it, he says that I should not have nothing to say because I am not working and he is the one that will pay the bill.

    On top of all else I cannot use the credit card either because he has maxed it out or he fusses at me. He says I do not need to use it that I just need to ask him for money. So far I have a about $40000 in debt that he has incurred in my name!

    He also has a bad habit of overdrawing accounts (check cash schemes, kiting, etc) then he closes the account. One account was joint so I cannot open a bank account anywhere else until the overdraft is paid ($900.00). He has his own business so he he hides behind the LLC and open an account at another bank, never pays the overdraft from the other bank. He says he cannot get into trouble because the “LLC” owes the money not him. The corporation and him are two seperate entities. I do understand that concept but he is abusing the law.

    I am frustrated and depressed most times. For the most part outside people think we have money but its just a facade. Robing Peter to pay Paul is more of our everyday life.
    I do not work so I feel helpless. I have to have a roof over my head and I have a child from a previous relastionship.

    • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

      Hi there!

      I am so sorry that you’re going through all of this! Is there any way that you can call the banks and tell them that all of this was done without your consent? You would risk him going to jail and/or being prosecuted so that’s something to consider.

      Do you have a recent working history? Are you able to secure a job somewhere? Do you have family that you can stay with while you get yourself together? Maybe go back to school and use the student loans to keep you afloat while you stay with a friend?

      Just a few thoughts – let us know if any of this resonates with you.

      • Helpmeplease

        Ginger,
        Thanks for responding. The story is a little more complex than I want to share on this blog. However, I am already in school, have been the past 3 years. I do have past work history and I am diligently seeking work but it has not worked out for me thus far. As far as friends and family they are all in their own “financial siuation” where my son and I would be a burden to them. (Ex, my best friend and her husband lives with her mom).

        • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

          When do you finish school?

          • Helpmeplease

            In about 6 months

  • Alfra

    So many of these posts sound like a dejavu moments!! I am at this very moment going throught the same thing. Until today, I went 6 days without deodorant– although I reminded my husband every day on his way out of the door for work & on his way back out of the door after lunch. Today, we finally went to purchase groceries today, with the food stamps that I applied for & he all but started a fight with me over what I was spending on the food stamp card, to restock our kitchen–while the girls are home all day for a week on Thanksgiving break (although, we had no food in the kitchen). He eats out for breakfast every morning & some days for lunch, but I don’t hound him about it- even when there’s not much here for me to choose from. We have 3 baby girls, all under the age of nine. After being the bread winner in my home for a short time & having absolutely no control over the finances–even though he had no job, I decided to bring him on board at the company that I was Sales Manager at the time. He still works there & I’m now at home, but working part time on a business that I’ve started myself. I no longer have access to the 1 vehicle we own , so I’m always stuck at home. I find myself begging for money for basic supplies for our household & my business… and if he decides to purchase the supplies that I need, so that I can fill an order, he’s insisting on delivering it & ranting about what the money will need to be spent on billwise. Needless to say, I never see a dime of this money. I’ve tried to help a bit more financially, upon his request, by making calls to set appointments for my ex- boss… but, since he works there, and has grown really close with my ex-boss, he has the inside track on every cent that I’m making. He’s very close with my family & keeps in touch with & does favors for all of them on a daily bases. Although we live in the same city with them, now, he acts as if I’m being unreasonable any time I want him to go with me & the girls to spend time with them. For the past year or so, he’s been threatening to leave me and the girls & file for divorce, every time we have the smallest argument. Because he seems closer with my family than I am, I don’t even feel comfortable going to them with my concerns, because I’m almost sure that they would side with him. Sometimes I wish that he would just go, so that I can get back to being independent, happy, me. The thought, however, of starting over again with 3 baby girls, by myself, at the age of 36 is absolutely horrifying. I’m not quite sure what to do, but ‘m trying to make small, gradual changes in my way of thinking– The overall situation does, however seem very overwhelming, when I consider the prospect of doing this all by myself.

    • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

      Wow, reading this tugged at my heart so much! I hope you’re able to find a way to sort this out and get on your feet with or without him. It is such a horrible feeling to be financially beholden to someone who does not have your best interest in mind.

      Have you tried reading some self help books to gain some insight into your husband’s behavior? I have a few that I can recommend for you if you’d like to check them out. Or have you sought out marriage counseling?

      One thought would be starting a business where he would not need to be involved in deliveries or the finances of it all. Im here to help or lend an ear if you need it :-)

      • Alfra

        We’ve definitely discussed going to a marriage counselor, but I haven’t been able to get him to commit to this. At this point I’m sure he’d say, “We can’t afford it right now”. In the mean time, I’ve become a huge fan of reading self- help books (One of those things that I used to completely frown upon). The one that I’m currently reading is “Living with the Passive Aggresive Man–Coping with Hidden Aggression, from the Bedroom to the Boardroom” by: Doctor Scott Wetzler. It’s a great read, and so far seems to really sum up my husband’s personality type, as well as a boss or two that I’ve had in the past. Thanks much for the advice & a bit of inspiration. I love what you’re doing with this site– I will keep you posted on my progress.

        • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

          Those are great books! I would also encourage you to read the following about emotional abuse. It’s important that you not only look at his behavior, but also on the effect it is having on you as well:

          -
          Loving Him without Losing You – The Emotionally Unavailable Man – The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control
          - *Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself* – *The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself* – *The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing* – *Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why* – *Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships*
          I hope you figure out the best path for you and your family. It sounds like you’re determined to figure this out and regain some peace.

          • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

            Those are great books! I would also encourage you to read the following about emotional abuse. It’s important that you not only look at his behavior, but also on the effect it is having on you as well:

            The Emotionally Unavailable Man

            The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control

            Loving Him without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself

            The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself

            The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

            Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don’t Know Why

            Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

  • bigbeastedbunni

    I love this blog and this site! I am a young woman, hoping to become married one day (maybe?!!?!!?!?!? not sure after reading this)…….after watching how my parents argue about money, I see how NECESSARY it is to be financially independent and have a stash. I have witnessed emotional, physical and financial abuse and I have decided that i won’t let it happen to ME.

    • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

      Im glad you like it!!!

  • Christina

    Little by little I’ve given it all up, my house, my car, my belongings (clothing,furniture, sentimentals)my friends, my family. Possessions wise I maybe have 10% of my belongings left that I entered this marriage with… And was in denial the whole time!…

  • Christina

    Hello everyone! My name is Christina and I am coming up on 3 years of marriage in Feb. I waited 30 years to get married and now fear it to be a great mistake. My husband controls ALL of the finances & getting money for everyday things (like deodorant & tooth paste, sometimes food) has become such a battle I have pretty much locked myself in my bedroom and stopped battling… Like my heart & soul are so wore out I just don’t even ask for most things anymore… I have been without deodorant for over a week, I thought if I started to smell bad he might offer but he didn’t. Finally last night I hinted at the deodorant and he says “what are you wearing these days?”. He has this thing about not giving me $ to go get my own, HE HAS TO BUY IT… Until last night I was in denial, actually convinced myself this wasn’t abuse & that he loves me and just wants to take care of it for me. Like it is my fault anyway… Guess a bunch of us feel this way as we try sifting through the ashes of something ravaged by fire finding nothing left to save.

    • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

      WOW! So what are you going to do now? Do you guys have kids?

  • sheryl

    I have been in a marriage like this for 27 years and I cant do it any longer. Our kids are grown now, thank God, I’m just buying time until i can get a job and get out. I have to beg to buy food or if I do get money he expects sex. it makes me hate him and he wonders why I dint like having sex with him!!! He is a drag racer and all money goes for that. We have been without food before and he spends money we dont have on racing. He makes all the money so in his mind he should control it. We have had 2 houses foreclosed upon because of this. I cant go to the doctor if needed or anything. I’m so disgusted its not funny. No one can understand what its like unless you have been there. Its awful!! I’m getting to where I hate him and cant wait ti get out!! Please pray for me to have strength to go through this.

    • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

      :-( Hey Sheryl, I am so sorry you’re going through this! What you’ve described is horrible,e specially not being able to live in a home and feel good about the bills being paid and basic things like seeing the doctor. I hope you chart a plan that will give you some peace about your decision! We’re hear for ya!

  • Jason King

    A good marriage is one in which two people who get together are financially independent, can survive on their own, know how to do things on their own, can work interdependently on projects, have clear and defined goals, have healthy boundaries and respect each other’s boundaries, and COMMUNICATE with respect, dignity and understanding. But no one is dependent on the other – that is a sign that something might be unhealthy in the relationship. IMHO.

  • Jason King

    If you need religion to run a happy household – that’s great. But it isn’t a requirement. Morals, ethics and sound judgement are key to success.

  • Jason King

    Hello, I just came across your blog post and would have to agree with James in part. I separated from my wife who was emotionally, mentally and financially abusive. She left her job and career to start her own business – which we agreed I would support by working two jobs for a year to offset the startup costs of the business. I ended up running her business because she got burnt out after less than a year from working long hours and decided the Facebook was her therapy. I continued and continue to work my stable income job 9-5, and took over her business that she dumped on me for two years. She complained I wasn’t around enough, and had an affair with someone she met on Facebook. Whenever she wanted something she pulled the money from our savings account and bought it. She took out two credit cards (totalling 3), hid the bills and went through 30k in credit in a few months on various “vacations”, buying stuff she has never used, etc. If I asked her about what she was buying, I was told I was controlling and didn’t care about her feelings. She called it retail therapy. I told her I don’t know anyone who has 200 pairs of shoes!  When I told her that she was eating into our house savings, she told me that she wanted to bankrupt us! And what good was money that just sat there…
    Certainly in connection with your article there are men who are in the same boat as your female projection. What is really offensive is the inequality between services geared to women who are abused and services geared to men who are abused – in other words there are very few to none.Please do a little research into services in your area for men who are abused by their wives.

  • James Hill

    I am new to your blog, and if I’m stepping into a women’s rights blog, I apologize for treading in your area, BUT, your article is very quick to cast aside the woman in a relationship controlling funds.  Sometimes, you’re right, the men are the ones in control, but a lot of the time, when it comes to money, it is the women in control.  Women will automatically throw men into the “spender, can’t save” class and be just as controlling as the jealous, non-trusting man will, as described in your blog.

    I think your reactions are a bit overblown as well.  Your first point is “Leave”  that seems pretty harsh.  If I’d left my wife because she was controlling the money to much, where would I be?  The problem wasn’t caused by her being jealous or abusive towards me.  She grouped me in the “unable to save” category and took over.  She had the best of intentions in mind, I know this.  I don’t hold a grudge.  The first thing I did though was talk it out with her.  That should be your first point.  Get it out in the open.

    I think what I’m getting at is that your article is very gender biased, where it shouldn’t be.  It also makes the assumption that any disagreement that might fit under one of your categories must be abuse, but in reality, there are lots of legitmate reasons couples can find themselvs in these problems, and no abuse was intended.  Simple discussion can solve this, but like I said, you list step 1 as leave.  Do you see how harsh that is, no matter who is leaving who?

    • Ginger

      Hi James,
      You are correct, this is a blog that focuses on empowering and educating women in personal finance. So while I understand how you may feel as a man reading, we are pretty biased and we’re kinda OK with that :-) I hope you don’t take offense.

      Now on to the rest of your commentary-

      I agree that women can be as equally controlling, however, in my personal and professional experience, men tend to be the ones that are more controlling in this regard, hence my position. Still, your point is well taken as any gender can be the offender in this situation.

      I think my reaction to a man that has shown he will not change and has become abusive is quite OK. I would tell any woman in a abusive relationship to leave as financial abuse is just one of the many ways that women are abused. In fact, this is where it often starts. However, your situation is quite different as your wife seems to have taken control because she doesn’t feel that you can manage money as well as she does. Well I’ve warmed a seat for her here so that she can join the rest of the team of women that do just that. But my post doesn’t address men or women in that category.

      My post addresses situations where the controlling spouse’s intentions are far from good and only seeks to control the other half as a means to assuage their insecurities in the relationship. By maintaining control, they are in their own way assured that the spouse will never leave.

      That said, while I respect your position, I do stand my ground that if I were in more than 1 of the situations listed, I would leave, get counseling and hope that he does too. Then after that process as successfully been completed, we can revisit coming back together.

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  • http://www.payservice.com expense reporting

    That is so true, you advices are really great.

    One of my best friends got into this kind of relationship and when she finally decided to leave she had no money and no place to go.
    It took a while for her to get back on her feet. Her family and we helped a lot but this remain a trauma.

  • http://www.victory-by-design.com/askyourcoach victorybydesign

    You are right, both spouses should be capable in the marriage of utilizing any gifts and talents that God has given them to have an income if they choose. My caution is to go into a marriage with an exit strategy. The house divided scripture is more for when the spouses are not moving in the same direction together (not saying that every moment is perfect and you won't have some issues along the way). If either spouse is preparing for the marriage to fail, it will.

    Now let's be clear, I also said that if there is abuse, then the wife should leave. But there is a distinct difference of preparing for a divorce and exiting an abusive relationship.

  • http://www.victory-by-design.com/askyourcoach victorybydesign

    I will start this reply with a brief overview. I am a Christian happily married male, father of four, with a beautiful and wonderfully supportive wife. I have been divorced, homeless, and without hope as well in my life.

    1. My wife and I are happy and joyful not because of she is strong and financially independent (even though she is an educated working mother), but because we choose to unite our household's vision and be on one accord with ALL of our major and most of our minor objectives. That is not to say that we do not disagree on things, we do, but we find the common thread that we agree upon in a discussion and stand on that. We found this simple truth in the bible to be true in all aspects of a failing marriage:
    "Luke 11:17
    … “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall."

    a. When you get married and if you or your spouse's objective is to financially independent, then the house is divided and will fall. The search for financial independence on either person's part will lead to a lack of trust. To marry is to unite, if you have a goal of individuality, then that is contrary to how a marriage grows and develops.
    b. If you or your spouse are choosing pleasures over your priorities, then their is a real issue of maturity and selfishness.
    "1 Corinthians 7:3 (NKJV)
    3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband."

    2. If a husband is going to strip clubs, watching porn, and doing other things which cause him to fantasize about another woman, he is not giving his wife the affection due her. I would venture that he would not be so joyful if you did the same.
    Ephesians 5:28
    So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

    3. A wife should NEVER have any fear of physical or emotional abuse from her husband. There will always be some nervousness when you need to have a tough conversation that will lead to high emotions, but if there is a real possibility of physical abuse, then leave. There is no biblical mandate to put your physical well being in jeopardy for the sake of a marriage. Go to a relative's, a friend's, talk to your Pastor, talk to a local social services counselor.

    There are marriages where the spouses are just there for the ride, and they are neither happy nor sad. There are marriages where stress is a daily factor for a variety of reasons but they always manifest in the finances. And there are marriages that are not perfect, but the spouses are working as a unit, communicating vibrantly, and facing challenges together, and they are loving each other in the process (and that is showing in their finances).

    a.If you are in a physically abusive relationship, or a relationship where the person is cheating on you then leave.
    b. If you are in a relationship where the other person is controlling, try to get counseling, pray diligently, and be open to your spouse about where you are and where you would like to be first. If you create an exit strategy because your spouse will not make the necessary steps to unite the house, be careful and move quickly to get help from a trusted source to help you start over.
    c. Please remember that marriages were not intended to be two independent people working together, but two people becoming of one vision, one mind, and of one accord (and that takes time and both spouses to submit themselves to the process)

    Be Blessed
    Ahmad

    • http://www.girlsjustwannahavefunds.com Ginger

      Ahmad, I disagree because I think you're conflating being financially independent as being divisive. While I think it's great that you and your wife have a godly and principled marriage, the reality is that many marriages do not share those same quality. There are many many women out there that for the sake of their own livelihoods-must figure out a way to survive should their partners decide being financially stable in their own right is a threat to them.

      ""a. When you get married and if you or your spouse's objective is to financially independent, then the house is divided and will fall. The search for financial independence on either person's part will lead to a lack of trust. To marry is to unite, if you have a goal of individuality, then that is contrary to how a marriage grows and develops. "

      If a woman whether married or single should have money to take care of herself in the event the other half in the relationship is unable or refuses to do so. Our society these days given the realities of marriages and the need for a 2 income household (especially in this area)-we – women need to be independent. The desire to be financially independent does not mean that a house is divided against itself. It simply means that both partners make enough money to support themselves or the family should one of them no longer be able to do so. The fact remains that the money will be there to help out should something go wrong.

      There is no Biblical mandate which states that a woman has to endure financial abuse because she should fear the appearance of being against the unity of her marriage. A house divided against itself falls apart and if the husband is against the wife having money/any money then he should look within because the woman will need to get out ASAP because it won't end well.

      • VictoryByDesign

        Ginger, you are correct in that there are no biblical mandates to endure financial abuse. The biblical mandate is to become united in all areas of your life including the spiritual, physical, parental, and financial aspects. If a woman is being abused and needs to take care of herself, then by all means exit as fast as possible.

        I agree that if a woman (or a man for that matter) chooses to have a sufficient income to support the household, family, and/or themselves in case of emergency then that is a sound plan. My concern is not having clarity on emergency and the motives behind the plan.

        As an example, if the motive is to ensure stability in case of emergency, then that is a good plan. If the motive is to have a since of security in case of divorce, then that person is planting a seed of mistrust and will eventually walk out what they were planning for.

        My deepest concern for anyone on the receiving end of financial abuse is that the person take action and protect themselves.

        Ultimately, establishing trust, improving trust, and learning to trust have to be at the core of a marriage and the basis for making any decisions. When you separate finances and put controls in place, trust is endangered along with your relationship.

        • http://www.girlsjustwannahaveufunds.com/ Ginger-GirlsJustWannaHaveFunds

          Regardless of the motives, life happens. Just as buying a new car off the lot, you have nothing but great things in store for the long drives, trips to the beach and even short trips around town to soccer practice. But as time goes on, things start to break down and it becomes apparent that you need to put aside funds to help you just in case the timing belt goes kaput or you need new tires and a new transmission. You’re not walking into the purchase with evil thoughts about the car breaking down but – life happens and we should be prepared.

          People are even more unpredictable than machines.

          This is analogous to marriage in that you start off with good intentions but as life progresses, things happen and you need to be prepared. Regardless of the motives, distrust or you just want to be prepared – remove the emotion from it. In order to handle those surprises women need to buckle down and make sure they have their finances in order should hell break loose in their marriage. I’ve never had to hide money in my own marriage that my husband didn’t know about but I am not against it either. If the husband is a good person and recognizes that he would want his wife to be Ok in ANY event then he shouldn’t have an issue with it. He should trust that she has good intentions and as with any rainy day, should he be the cause of the storm clouds then her “stash” is her umbrella.

          I find that men who are threatened by a woman having her own money share these sentiments about planing seeds of distrust.

          If we’re to be prepared by having car, home and rental insurance then why aren’t we allowed to be prepared just in case something happens and your other half becomes abusive or someone you’re unable to trust?

          Again, remove the motives, this is purely about LIFE. Whether someone slashes your tires or you just get a flat on the highway – you still need new tires. Having a stash takes care of that issue.

          • independent woman

            Couldn’t agree with you more. I hate that people always say that ‘oh if you’re already planning a backup plan then you must know/think/plan for something to not work out.’ That’s just not true. It’s simply there in case something happens that we cannot predict: it’s called LIFE. Amen to this :)

    • jolly

      I as well had been separated and finally divorced. I am a male/father of three little girls now paying child support. The divorce was a financially devastating consequence of being married to a woman that had the full support of her millionaire father. I was kicked out of my own home and left to fend for myself all the while I had no job at this time. I had lost a good job due economic factors in 2009. It was very difficult to re-establish another supporting opportunity. Luckily…i landed a maintenance job where i live of which helps. Food stamps I am on and never had been before in my life. I am doing ok after an abusive divorce where my former spouse and her father had tried to ruin me financially-they did a good job as i am deep in debt in addition to child support and living expenses. At present, I have not much but I do my best to provide for my little ones. I am happier now after 1.5 years. It was absolute hell emotionally during and following divorce. Now i need to let it all go and not let this continue on in my head. Move on…heal…and take nothing for granted. Women can also be very abusive as it pertains to financials. I am finding more and more strength. I love my girls and they miss their Dad. Seeing them 13 percent of a year is tough. My eldest daughte at age 9 said to me, “Daddy, I had a school project and I was asked if I were president, what would I change that can make a positive impact on civilization?” My daughter indicated that she said she would make divorce illegal for it creates so much misery and a big void in her relationship with her Daddy. She also said the experience is like u r grounded. :-(

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  • polyglotnerd

    Oh yeah, and whenever I did get the card back, he made sure he had emptied the account first.

  • Polyglotnerd

    This is a very important and truthful message about the realities of financial abuse in marriage, but it lacks specifics. For example, when I was married, I was made to work in call centres mostly as temporary jobs. I was always pushed into the first job I saw, regardless of what I thought about it. When a contract ended abruptly, my husband would use it as evidence to support his theory that I was useless and couldn't survive without him (conveniently ignoring the nature of the work).
    My longest running job in which I had been allowed to get to the level of a trainer position, he then forced me to beg for money for longer in the morning before I had to leave so that I would be late. Another factor contributing to the demise of the job was that he came to work threatening my colleague because I stayed at his house when I was stranded one night from having no money. I think depriving me of sufficient money to get home was a means for him to engineer situations that appeared to justify his punishments for not being home at the estimated time.
    I was not allowed medicine at that time, among other necessities, and the consequences this has meant that I am no longer able to work for health reasons. It is true that you are forced to account for every penny you spend unless it is an amount of his choice. When it isn't it will take you days of begging, even turning up at his work to get the card for the account that is in YOUR OWN name with your wages going into it. But the man genuinely believes he is entitled to the woman's earnings.
    And why did he believe that? Because instead of buying 15 beers from him, one day I bought food and household essentials. He roared, bullied and intimidated me into going back to the shop and buying more beers and cigarettes. After doing this repeatedly, it became clear I couldn't pay ALL the rent, ALL the bills, ALL the food shopping myself and still buy his beer. So I felt inadequate seeing as he was always able to afford beer. (Because he stole food from work.) Warped, I know, but when you know that seeing the truth will involve threats, intimidation, personal attacks and guilt-mongering, most people DO refuse to see it. The incentives to do so are too great according to the panicked mind that is so desperate to acquire the bare necessities on a daily basis. It is exhausted before it can grapple with anything else.
    Sometimes I would have as little as one meal a day, but he was never short of alcohol. Earlier in the relationship, his account had been the one used, until it was closed because he hadn't used it in so long, which was his excuse to take over mine in the end. The threats to leave and withhold money are tossed about regularly in an abusive relationship. Sometimes I thought about calling the police when he walked out in a tantrum, after all, taking someone's bank card without permission is theft. However, I was aware that calling them was a risk to my personal safety.
    I remember very well the lies I used to get told about him paying the bills. I still have the council chasing me for a bill he said was paid. I only got to see friends once a month and the house was always filthy unless I could find time between my full-time job, my degree, my NVQ and my band to clean without products (refused to let me have enough of my salary to buy them). Whilst my peers had nice clothes and fun experiences, I felt my life passing me by as I got lied to that it was my fault we were poor and eventually was walking round in rags. This is when both of us had full time jobs. Not to mention repeated evictions.
    He did want children with me, and I gave it a chance, thinking that things would be better if we did, and that it would help us "both grow up". Thank God it didn't work, because if it had, I dread to think how much his games could upset a child!

  • Abigail

    There are other forms of financial abuse. Mine refuses to deal with finances, which leaves me holding the bag. He then portrays himself as my victim because I don't give him the debit card or cash because he spends it on strip clubs and porn. He conned me into quitting my responsible civil service job and has me quite isolated. I do attend an online class each semester and one day will get my financial house back in order, after he dragged us through foreclosure, bankruptcy, and a much lower standard of living – all the better to control us via poverty.

  • http://momswholunch.blogspot.com ames

    I don't think that is abuse in the eyes of the woman. She is allowing these things to occur to keep the man around. Usually victims of abuse aren't free/safe to leave.

    • polyglotnerd

      Believe me, the moment a woman even dares to suspect (and this in itself can bring her trouble) her husband of wrongdoing she is in danger. That's before she even tries to make a carefully orchestrated escape plan. Where the hell did the idea come from that the abused are really perfectly safe and free to leave any time they please?
      Well the facts speak for themselves.

  • http://pinkpiggybanksaves.blogspot.com/ tami

    i am quite sure many women have been here or are going through this. this is why its so important to have your own and not feel the need to have a man for the sake of having a man.

    • Eye Doctor

      I beg to differ, i know we are discussing here whether the women needs a financial freedom or not, but if the problem has been solved with your partner, then the struggle becomes memorable & sweeter!

      • Tami

        struggling and abuse are two different things.

        you can have hard times and not be abusive towards you partner. having your own and being financially secure to not depend on another person for financial reasons helps women avoid these types of abusive situations.

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