Financial Abuse: 6 Signs And What You Can Do About it

Financial abuse is something that we rarely hear about since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of an abusive relationship. Very rarely do the women in these relationships speak of the issue because of the shame attached to having to account for every penny spent or even ask for money just to purchase the very basic necessities in life.

So what are the signs and what can be done about it?

Forced Career Choices

Women in financially abusive relationships are often forced to take career paths they would not have chosen on their own. This keeps them from succeeding, eventually becoming financially stable and independent in their own right. Many women in these situations are either stay at home moms or if they do work, it is part time with the permission of their spouse. If the woman is lucky enough to be able to work full time in such a relationship then her partner often sabotages her career/work life by forcing her to stay home or giving an ultimatum around quitting the job or ending the relationship.

Every Penny Spent Is A Penny Tracked

Every penny, and I mean every penny must be accounted for when given to the woman in this relationship. If it cannot be accounted for then the emotional and even physical abuse ensues and consequences are handed out. This many involve being given less money for basic necessities or being forced to beg for money. The feeling of being trapped in the house with no money for gas, food or transportation is crippling and women in this type of relationship stick to this rule or they know they will suffer the consequences

No Bank Accounts

No personal bank accounts. No debit card. No savings accounts. No checking account. All money comes from one source. The working partner. This puts the woman in the position of relying on her partner for her very existence, hand to mouth. She is not allowed to have a job and if she does then her checks go to her partner who deposits the money in a separate account not within her control.

Threats Of Leaving

This is one of the most overt forms of financial abuse. Threatening to leave or deny financial support knowing that the woman is unable to support herself without the finances of her partner. Once the partner levies such a threat, control is established since she knows without her partner, her daily needs won’t be met. So, she stays on her lane and keeps herself in line fearing that without her partner, she will be destitute with no place to go.

Lazy Bum -Deadbeat-My Woman -Is-My-Momma Syndrome

This is where the man makes the woman work because he is unwilling to work and be a contributing financial partner in the household. But, don’t think for a minute that the men in these relationships aren’t in control. They still engage in all of the above-mentioned behaviors, but they take and control all of the money coming into the home. All the household bills are usually in the woman’s name and he never pays them, forcing her to work harder while never seeing the fruits of her labor.

Forced Family

In this situation, the woman is essentially pregnant every other year of the relationship, ensuring that she will never have the chance to return to work. Depending on her earning power, with the birth of each child, the cost of childcare makes it impossible to return to work. Her life’s work is to care for children and her partner while never knowing what it is like to taste financial freedom and independence. Ultimately, the woman in this relationship is dependent upon her partner for her survival.

What Can Be Done About It?

Leave. Plan your way slowly or swiftly out of this relationship and leave. Relationships like this can never be trusted to become equitable since so much of it is about power.
Reach out to trusted friends, relatives or even a local church who many be able to house you until you’re able to get on your feet.
If vocational training or education is a barrier to getting a job then start going to school online.
Skim money from whatever is given to you and save little by little. Every bit adds up. Open a bank account in secret and stash your money until you’re ready to leave. Ask friends and family for donations to this account while noting you will pay them back once you are on your feet. Start a blog and learn how to monetize it.
Get a job in secret. For example you can say that you’re volunteering and get a PT job walking dogs or babysitting while he is away or working during the day.
Establish credit. Get a secured card that you keep only at a friend’s or family member’s house in a locked box. Use it to make purchases while building your credit.
Research all options with regards to government assistance around food stamps, housing and community based services. When stepping out for the first time, this may be a temporary option to get you from point A to B while you establish yourself.

Have you ever been in a financially abusive relationship? What tips do you have for women in this situation?

Is Your Bank Charging New Debit Card Fees? Check Out 5 Alternatives!

Safe Mode Essentials: How To Operate On Low/No Income

Place your ad here
Loading...

Additional Posts

About the Author

GingerGirls Just Wanna Have Funds is a personal finance website dedicated to educating and empowering women in the area of personal finance. Our articles center on money management: making it, saving it and growing it which supports our theme: Breaking Financial Ceilings One Stiletto At A Time. We have been featured in Business Insider (contributor), Lifehacker, Consumerist, MSNBC, Essence, Wall Street Journal, Good Morning America and MSN Project Engage Web Series. I believe in a future where women can have financial freedom and choose the life they want to live by taking control of their finances. You only need to want it hard enough while letting go of limiting beliefs around money. Join me as I share tips that will help you light up your financial life and take control.View all posts by Ginger →

James Hill

I am new to your blog, and if I’m stepping into a women’s rights blog, I apologize for treading in your area, BUT, your article is very quick to cast aside the woman in a relationship controlling funds. Sometimes, you’re right, the men are the ones in control, but a lot of the time, when it comes to money, it is the women in control. Women will automatically throw men into the “spender, can’t save” class and be just as controlling as the jealous, non-trusting man will, as described in your blog.

I think your reactions are a bit overblown as well. Your first point is “Leave” that seems pretty harsh. If I’d left my wife because she was controlling the money to much, where would I be? The problem wasn’t caused by her being jealous or abusive towards me. She grouped me in the “unable to save” category and took over. She had the best of intentions in mind, I know this. I don’t hold a grudge. The first thing I did though was talk it out with her. That should be your first point. Get it out in the open.

I think what I’m getting at is that your article is very gender biased, where it shouldn’t be. It also makes the assumption that any disagreement that might fit under one of your categories must be abuse, but in reality, there are lots of legitmate reasons couples can find themselvs in these problems, and no abuse was intended. Simple discussion can solve this, but like I said, you list step 1 as leave. Do you see how harsh that is, no matter who is leaving who?

Ginger

Hi James,
You are correct, this is a blog that focuses on empowering and educating women in personal finance. So while I understand how you may feel as a man reading, we are pretty biased and we’re kinda OK with that I hope you don’t take offense.

Now on to the rest of your commentary-

I agree that women can be as equally controlling, however, in my personal and professional experience, men tend to be the ones that are more controlling in this regard, hence my position. Still, your point is well taken as any gender can be the offender in this situation.

I think my reaction to a man that has shown he will not change and has become abusive is quite OK. I would tell any woman in a abusive relationship to leave as financial abuse is just one of the many ways that women are abused. In fact, this is where it often starts. However, your situation is quite different as your wife seems to have taken control because she doesn’t feel that you can manage money as well as she does. Well I’ve warmed a seat for her here so that she can join the rest of the team of women that do just that. But my post doesn’t address men or women in that category.

My post addresses situations where the controlling spouse’s intentions are far from good and only seeks to control the other half as a means to assuage their insecurities in the relationship. By maintaining control, they are in their own way assured that the spouse will never leave.

That said, while I respect your position, I do stand my ground that if I were in more than 1 of the situations listed, I would leave, get counseling and hope that he does too. Then after that process as successfully been completed, we can revisit coming back together.

Pingback: 6 Signs You’re Being Abused Financially And What You Should Do About It | Athens Report
Pingback: 6 Signs You’re Being Abused Financially And What You Should Do About It | internet blog business
http://www.payservice.com expense reporting

That is so true, you advices are really great.

One of my best friends got into this kind of relationship and when she finally decided to leave she had no money and no place to go.
It took a while for her to get back on her feet. Her family and we helped a lot but this remain a trauma.
http://www.victory-by-design.com/askyourcoach victorybydesign

You are right, both spouses should be capable in the marriage of utilizing any gifts and talents that God has given them to have an income if they choose. My caution is to go into a marriage with an exit strategy. The house divided scripture is more for when the spouses are not moving in the same direction together (not saying that every moment is perfect and you won't have some issues along the way). If either spouse is preparing for the marriage to fail, it will.

Now let's be clear, I also said that if there is abuse, then the wife should leave. But there is a distinct difference of preparing for a divorce and exiting an abusive relationship.
http://www.victory-by-design.com/askyourcoach victorybydesign

I will start this reply with a brief overview. I am a Christian happily married male, father of four, with a beautiful and wonderfully supportive wife. I have been divorced, homeless, and without hope as well in my life.

1. My wife and I are happy and joyful not because of she is strong and financially independent (even though she is an educated working mother), but because we choose to unite our household's vision and be on one accord with ALL of our major and most of our minor objectives. That is not to say that we do not disagree on things, we do, but we find the common thread that we agree upon in a discussion and stand on that. We found this simple truth in the bible to be true in all aspects of a failing marriage:
"Luke 11:17
… “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall."

a. When you get married and if you or your spouse's objective is to financially independent, then the house is divided and will fall. The search for financial independence on either person's part will lead to a lack of trust. To marry is to unite, if you have a goal of individuality, then that is contrary to how a marriage grows and develops.
b. If you or your spouse are choosing pleasures over your priorities, then their is a real issue of maturity and selfishness.
"1 Corinthians 7:3 (NKJV)
3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband."

2. If a husband is going to strip clubs, watching porn, and doing other things which cause him to fantasize about another woman, he is not giving his wife the affection due her. I would venture that he would not be so joyful if you did the same.
Ephesians 5:28
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

3. A wife should NEVER have any fear of physical or emotional abuse from her husband. There will always be some nervousness when you need to have a tough conversation that will lead to high emotions, but if there is a real possibility of physical abuse, then leave. There is no biblical mandate to put your physical well being in jeopardy for the sake of a marriage. Go to a relative's, a friend's, talk to your Pastor, talk to a local social services counselor.

There are marriages where the spouses are just there for the ride, and they are neither happy nor sad. There are marriages where stress is a daily factor for a variety of reasons but they always manifest in the finances. And there are marriages that are not perfect, but the spouses are working as a unit, communicating vibrantly, and facing challenges together, and they are loving each other in the process (and that is showing in their finances).

a.If you are in a physically abusive relationship, or a relationship where the person is cheating on you then leave.
b. If you are in a relationship where the other person is controlling, try to get counseling, pray diligently, and be open to your spouse about where you are and where you would like to be first. If you create an exit strategy because your spouse will not make the necessary steps to unite the house, be careful and move quickly to get help from a trusted source to help you start over.
c. Please remember that marriages were not intended to be two independent people working together, but two people becoming of one vision, one mind, and of one accord (and that takes time and both spouses to submit themselves to the process)

Be Blessed
Ahmad

http://www.girlsjustwannahavefunds.com Ginger

Ahmad, I disagree because I think you're conflating being financially independent as being divisive. While I think it's great that you and your wife have a godly and principled marriage, the reality is that many marriages do not share those same quality. There are many many women out there that for the sake of their own livelihoods-must figure out a way to survive should their partners decide being financially stable in their own right is a threat to them.

""a. When you get married and if you or your spouse's objective is to financially independent, then the house is divided and will fall. The search for financial independence on either person's part will lead to a lack of trust. To marry is to unite, if you have a goal of individuality, then that is contrary to how a marriage grows and develops. "

If a woman whether married or single should have money to take care of herself in the event the other half in the relationship is unable or refuses to do so. Our society these days given the realities of marriages and the need for a 2 income household (especially in this area)-we – women need to be independent. The desire to be financially independent does not mean that a house is divided against itself. It simply means that both partners make enough money to support themselves or the family should one of them no longer be able to do so. The fact remains that the money will be there to help out should something go wrong.

There is no Biblical mandate which states that a woman has to endure financial abuse because she should fear the appearance of being against the unity of her marriage. A house divided against itself falls apart and if the husband is against the wife having money/any money then he should look within because the woman will need to get out ASAP because it won't end well.

Pingback: Pregnancy: Your Birth Control Selections - Daily Skin Care Tips
polyglotnerd

Oh yeah, and whenever I did get the card back, he made sure he had emptied the account first.
Polyglotnerd

This is a very important and truthful message about the realities of financial abuse in marriage, but it lacks specifics. For example, when I was married, I was made to work in call centres mostly as temporary jobs. I was always pushed into the first job I saw, regardless of what I thought about it. When a contract ended abruptly, my husband would use it as evidence to support his theory that I was useless and couldn't survive without him (conveniently ignoring the nature of the work).
My longest running job in which I had been allowed to get to the level of a trainer position, he then forced me to beg for money for longer in the morning before I had to leave so that I would be late. Another factor contributing to the demise of the job was that he came to work threatening my colleague because I stayed at his house when I was stranded one night from having no money. I think depriving me of sufficient money to get home was a means for him to engineer situations that appeared to justify his punishments for not being home at the estimated time.
I was not allowed medicine at that time, among other necessities, and the consequences this has meant that I am no longer able to work for health reasons. It is true that you are forced to account for every penny you spend unless it is an amount of his choice. When it isn't it will take you days of begging, even turning up at his work to get the card for the account that is in YOUR OWN name with your wages going into it. But the man genuinely believes he is entitled to the woman's earnings.
And why did he believe that? Because instead of buying 15 beers from him, one day I bought food and household essentials. He roared, bullied and intimidated me into going back to the shop and buying more beers and cigarettes. After doing this repeatedly, it became clear I couldn't pay ALL the rent, ALL the bills, ALL the food shopping myself and still buy his beer. So I felt inadequate seeing as he was always able to afford beer. (Because he stole food from work.) Warped, I know, but when you know that seeing the truth will involve threats, intimidation, personal attacks and guilt-mongering, most people DO refuse to see it. The incentives to do so are too great according to the panicked mind that is so desperate to acquire the bare necessities on a daily basis. It is exhausted before it can grapple with anything else.
Sometimes I would have as little as one meal a day, but he was never short of alcohol. Earlier in the relationship, his account had been the one used, until it was closed because he hadn't used it in so long, which was his excuse to take over mine in the end. The threats to leave and withhold money are tossed about regularly in an abusive relationship. Sometimes I thought about calling the police when he walked out in a tantrum, after all, taking someone's bank card without permission is theft. However, I was aware that calling them was a risk to my personal safety.
I remember very well the lies I used to get told about him paying the bills. I still have the council chasing me for a bill he said was paid. I only got to see friends once a month and the house was always filthy unless I could find time between my full-time job, my degree, my NVQ and my band to clean without products (refused to let me have enough of my salary to buy them). Whilst my peers had nice clothes and fun experiences, I felt my life passing me by as I got lied to that it was my fault we were poor and eventually was walking round in rags. This is when both of us had full time jobs. Not to mention repeated evictions.
He did want children with me, and I gave it a chance, thinking that things would be better if we did, and that it would help us "both grow up". Thank God it didn't work, because if it had, I dread to think how much his games could upset a child!
Abigail

There are other forms of financial abuse. Mine refuses to deal with finances, which leaves me holding the bag. He then portrays himself as my victim because I don't give him the debit card or cash because he spends it on strip clubs and porn. He conned me into quitting my responsible civil service job and has me quite isolated. I do attend an online class each semester and one day will get my financial house back in order, after he dragged us through foreclosure, bankruptcy, and a much lower standard of living – all the better to control us via poverty.
http://momswholunch.blogspot.com ames

I don't think that is abuse in the eyes of the woman. She is allowing these things to occur to keep the man around. Usually victims of abuse aren't free/safe to leave.

polyglotnerd

Believe me, the moment a woman even dares to suspect (and this in itself can bring her trouble) her husband of wrongdoing she is in danger. That's before she even tries to make a carefully orchestrated escape plan. Where the hell did the idea come from that the abused are really perfectly safe and free to leave any time they please?
Well the facts speak for themselves.

http://pinkpiggybanksaves.blogspot.com/ tami

i am quite sure many women have been here or are going through this. this is why its so important to have your own and not feel the need to have a man for the sake of having a man.

Eye Doctor

I beg to differ, i know we are discussing here whether the women needs a financial freedom or not, but if the problem has been solved with your partner, then the struggle becomes memorable & sweeter!

Tami

struggling and abuse are two different things.

you can have hard times and not be abusive towards you partner. having your own and being financially secure to not depend on another person for financial reasons helps women avoid these types of abusive situations.