(image: momlogic)

Is there a perceived loss of equity and partnership because a stay at home wife/mom isn’t “pulling her financial weight”?  Given the feminist fight for equality, should women make the choice to stay at home?  Will our daughters revolt when all is said and done?

Let’s rehash this debate shall we?

Historically on this blog, and I’m sure many other sites-the stay at home mom vs stay at home wife vs working mom/wife debate has been heated and at times unbearable to watch or read.  It’s one of those debates that stirs the ire of many women who feel strongly about their decision -to stay at home or work outside of the home.

When I started writing this blog, I was a graduate student with no real personal income.  Sure, I had PT jobs here and there but nothing really consistent that brought in any significant moolah.  This made me dependent on my husband’s income during until I began working full time.  At the time, I was OKAY and quite content with being a stay at home wife, but if we’re being honest, I was also quite nervous about “not pulling my weight”.  Not because my husband said so but I had a working mom growing up so this was new to me.  I had no real responsibilities and able to come and go as I pleased.  I made friends with a few wives in our community and we’d either go shopping or hang out during the days when I wasn’t burning the midnight oil on campus.

Since then, my position has changed.

Why?  I’m not sure.  Well, let me take that back, I do.  I love working for my own money.  I enjoy making my own money. I am secure knowing that if something were to happen to the other income in our household that I’d be able to hold down the fort.

This isn’t a swipe at stay at home wives or moms because I think we’re all free to make our own decisions around what makes us happy.

Still my position remains the same for women in any situation where they aren’t bringing in money on their own.  Where is your safety net should the other income disappear?

To answer a few questions that have come up and still do even now:

Why then did I think a one person income was more secure than a two person income?

I felt this way because we lived within our means and had a 14 month emergency fund.  If his income was no longer there then we would have the emergency fund to fall back on with no problem.  Usually two income households are stretched to the limit and living outside of their means and this wasn’t the case with us.  If one person loses a job then there’s hardly any savings and the other person must shoulder the burden.  Now, this isn’t the case for all 2 income households but have you seen the average US individual savings rate lately?

Why tout breaking financial ceilings but at the same time support women who stay at home with no job?

Because I can.  Because those women can and choose to do so despite what anyone thinks.  Feminism is about choice and I what works for someone else won’t work for me and I’m OK with that.  At the end of the day women have the right to choose what situation works for them.

Is it something I would choose to do today?  No, I don’t believe so.   Since that time, I finished graduate school and I’ve spent some time in my career.  The decision I’ve come to is that my ideal would be working 15-20 hours per week if I had a child.  Right now I work long hours on site and from home.  When I have kids I’ll need more balance and at this time (child-free) I don’t know that I would want to stay at home all day with my kids.

I’m sure it’s the all encompassing dream that some moms make it out to be but I know better given my day job working in mental health.  Being a mom is a full time job with no breaks and I respect that.  Luckily, I know myself well enough to know that I’d need more of a balance with my career and raising children.

My boss is a great example of this as she owns a business and while she does most of the work from home (I run the daily operations) she gets to be at home with her children (she works from home on other projects) while we make her money.    I’m not mad at that at all!  In fact, this is my new blueprint for balance when I have children myself.

You see, while I want kids, I also know that I enjoy the financial freedom of making my own moolah.  She is living my ideal of having it all- she is a doctor, married, children, successful business and she looks pretty good doing it!    Aside:  I really admire working moms who don’t let themselves go, I want to be like them when I grow up!

I’d love to hear your position on the stay at home vs working wife/mom debate?  Has it changed at all over the years?  If so, why?  Tell us below!

Given that many around us are experiencing financial hardships, it’s not uncommon that a romantic partner would ask to borrow money.  Today’s issue centers on whether or not you should lend or borrow money from a significant other.

This can be tempting but before reach for your wallet, take these tips into consideration:

Decide:  Should You Lend? 

Is this a necessity or a luxury?  Listen to the reasons as to why your partner wants the money and determine should you be the one to lend it.  A good rule of thumb is if the bank won’t lend them money then I surely don’t have it to give.  After all, you don’t want to be known as the Bank of Jane for future loan requests.  No ma’am!

Can you trust them to repay the loan?

Is this person generally a financially responsible person?  If so, then that is a plus in their favor but you should also look at why they need the money from you if they are usually a financially responsible person.

If You Decide To Lend

Be clear that this is a loan and not a gift.  Sometimes during the course of discussing this issue,

Lend an amount that you can afford to lose.  Life happens, relationships fall apart and it’s better for you to lend with a cheerful heart than with a resentful one.  This way if the money isn’t paid back then you won’t be out an amount you couldn’t afford to lose

Get it in writing.

If you watch any judge shows then you know where this is headed.  Get it in writing!  The money should not leave your account or hands until the person has signed a promissory note stating when and how much then will pay back the loan.  If you are uncomfortable doing this then you reconsider lending the money.

The note to repay should include:

• Date of the loan
• Date the loan should be paid off
• # of payments
• Payment amount
• Late fees-if any
• Signature for both parties: lender and borrower
• Statement of borrower declaring that they are borrowing said amount and will repay according to the terms outlined in note

Here’s an example of a promissory note:

If You Decide Not To Lend

Have a conversation.  Be direct and to the point without giving too many details.  Money is a touchy subject and deciding not to lend money to a partner can possibly leave hurt feelings.  A simple, “sorry I don’t have it” should suffice.

According to TMZ.com, Kim Kardashian will file for divorce today citing irreconcilable differences.

Ladies, are we surprised?  I hope not since it’s well known that Kris was actually scouted by E reps to be Kim’s love interest in which they would eventually “marry”.  The happily ever after part, I’m not too sure about!

But that brings us to the touchy subject of  prenuptial agreements.  Kim and Kris reportedly hammered one out prior to walking down the aisle.

Should fairly well to do woman get a prenup when getting married?  Or what if you’re just a regular Jane who has assets that she’d like to protect in the event of a divorce?  Do prenups set the stage for a divorce down the line?

I tend to think this is a smart move, especially if you aren’t sure if the marriage will last.  These days I think women who do have sizable assets should get a prenup.   Let’s face it,  we’re dealing with human beings and matters of the heart.  Anything can happen!  Sometime it’s not as simple as a marital spat, but there are marriages where larger issues present an impasse and it makes sense for both parties to go their separate ways rather than continue to live in misery.

Men get prenups all the time!  How many times have you heard of a rich guy marrying a less than financially fortunate woman who then asks her to sign a prenup?  They don’t seem to get as much flack about it since they are seen as protecting their assets.  Women who demand prenups are seen as not having the confidence that the marriage will last and all that other sappy stuff.

We get health and car insurance for a reason.  If you’re a woman of substantial means, protect yourself!

As for Kim, I wish her the best.  No doubt, she will be the subject of many harsh conversations that will undoubtedly question her respect for the sanctity of marriage, but with the payout she got for marrying Kris, I’m sure she’s sitting pretty.

Financial abuse is something that we rarely hear about since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of an abusive relationship.  Very rarely do the women in these relationships speak of the issue because of the shame attached to having to account for every penny spent or even ask for money just to purchase the very basic necessities in life.

So what are the signs and what can be done about it?

Forced Career Choices

Women in financially abusive relationships are often forced to take career paths they would not have chosen on their own.  This keeps them from succeeding, eventually becoming financially stable and independent in their own right.  Many women in these situations are either stay at home moms or if they do work, it is part time with the permission of their spouse.  If the woman is lucky enough to be able to work full time in such a relationship then her partner often sabotages her career/work life by forcing her to stay home or giving an ultimatum around quitting the job or ending the relationship.

Every Penny Spent Is A Penny Tracked

Every penny, and I mean every penny must be accounted for when given to the woman in this relationship.  If it cannot be accounted for then the emotional and even physical abuse ensues and consequences are handed out.  This many involve being given less money for basic necessities or being forced to beg for money.  The feeling of being trapped in the house with no money for gas, food or transportation is crippling and women in this type of relationship stick to this rule or they know they will suffer the consequences

No Bank Accounts

No personal bank accounts.  No debit card.  No savings accounts.  No checking account.  All money comes from one source.  The working partner.  This puts the woman in the position of relying on her partner for her very existence, hand to mouth.  She is not allowed to have a job and if she does then her checks go to her partner who deposits the money in a separate account not within her control.

Threats Of Leaving

This is one of the most overt forms of financial abuse.  Threatening to leave or deny financial support knowing that the woman is unable to support herself without the finances of her partner.  Once the partner levies such a threat, control is established since she knows without her partner, her daily needs won’t be met.  So, she stays on her lane and keeps herself in line fearing that without her partner, she will be destitute with no place to go.

Lazy Bum -Deadbeat-My Woman -Is-My-Momma Syndrome

This is where the man makes the woman work because he is unwilling to work and be a contributing financial partner in the household.  But, don’t think for a minute that the men in these relationships aren’t in control.  They still engage in all of the above-mentioned behaviors, but they take and control all of the money coming into the home.  All the household bills are usually in the woman’s name and he never pays them, forcing her to work harder while never seeing the fruits of her labor.

Forced Family 

In this situation, the woman is essentially pregnant every other year of the relationship, ensuring that she will never have the chance to return to work.  Depending on her earning power, with the birth of each child, the cost of childcare makes it impossible to return to work.  Her life’s work is to care for children and her partner while never knowing what it is like to taste financial freedom and independence.  Ultimately, the woman in this relationship is dependent upon her partner for her survival.

What Can Be Done About It?

• Leave.  Plan your way slowly or swiftly out of this relationship and leave.  Relationships like this can never be trusted to become equitable since so much of it is about power.
• Reach out to trusted friends, relatives or even a local church who many be able to house you until you’re able to get on your feet.
• If vocational training or education is a barrier to getting a job then start going to school online.
• Skim money from whatever is given to you and save little by little.  Every bit adds up.  Open a bank account in secret and stash your money until you’re ready to leave.  Ask friends and family for donations to this account while noting you will pay them back once you are on your feet.  Start a blog and learn how to monetize it.
• Get a job in secret.  For example you can say that you’re volunteering and get a PT job walking dogs or babysitting while he is away or working during the day.
• Establish credit.  Get a secured card that you keep only at a friend’s or family member’s house in a locked box.  Use it to make purchases while building your credit.
• Research all options with regards to government assistance around food stamps, housing and community based services.  When stepping out for the first time, this may be a temporary option to get you from point A to B while you establish yourself.

One of the things that always strikes me over the course of my discussions with women is how comfortable some women are with leaving the work force voluntarily which some of us know as off-ramping.

 …“Off-ramping” is when someone decides to take a ”time-out” from work, often for the purpose of childcare. -GoGirlFinance

Today’s off-ramping may be unintentional and I am not addressing women who are simply out of work due to the recession.  I am addressing women who choose to leave the work place for the above-mentioned reasons:  to have and care for children.

Research shows that women face a myriad of difficulties when deciding to return to the workforce after an extended absence.  The new term for this is ComeBack Moms who are stay at home moms transitioning back into the workplace.

(Click here for the full press release):

• 73% of women trying to return to the workforce after a voluntary timeout for childcare or other reasons have trouble finding a job.
• Those who do return lose 16% of their earning power and over a quarter report a decrease in their management responsibilities and 22% had to step down to a lower job title.
• A full 69% of women say they wouldn’t have off-ramped if their companies had offered flexible work options such as reduced-hour schedules, job sharing, part-time career tracks or short unpaid sabbaticals.
• Although 89% of off-ramped women want to resume their careers, only 40% successfully return to full-time work.

Got your attention?  Ok.  Get a job.  Start a business.  Life happens.  Husbands leave.  The Mancession is alive and well and it is unfair both to you and your partner to think that it is OK to be at home in the spirit of taking care of the children.  I agree that being home with the kids is great and does wonders for their attachment and your ability and need to see them learn and grow into their lives.  But can your wallet survive it should your husband or partner leave the picture?  This is the reality that many women are facing right now.

If you do decide to stay at home then by all means prepare for it and be smart about your strategy to return to the workforce should the need arise:

• Create a fund that you can survive on in worst case scenarios ie husband loses the job or is no longer in the picture and you need to go back to work.
• Secure part time work to keep your resume fresh and relevant
• Stay up to date with any certifications or licensures
• Go back to school
• Start that business you’ve always wanted to!

If you know me then you know I enjoy watching “Judge” shows.  My favorites being Judge Mathis, People’s Court with Judge Marilyn Milian and even that wench Judge Judy.  Even though Judge Judy grinds my nerves at times but she’s often right.

The latter 2 of the 3 always have piercing advice for women shacking up with men when things go sour and now sitting in front of them hoping for a favorable judgement.

My favorites:

• Stop allowing  these men to shack up with you while mingling your finances with no concrete agreement about who pays for what!
• If the bank won’t loan him money, then why would you?  ”What are you, Bank of stupid?!”
• Sweetheart, don’t ever lend a man money without a promissory note.  Or anyone for that matter.

It’s  important for women to think about this move carefully before jumping in willy nilly.  It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the person, but the quality and caliber of their character.  Still, I am of the mind that until he puts a ring on it, you need to have a contract and be honest with yourself about the motives on both sides.

If you think it’s wrong to do these 2 things to protect yourself then you need to stop and reconsider this next step.

If you think it’s wrong to ask your beau to sign something that protects you both in the event things go sour, stop and stay where you are.

If you question whether or not he can hold up his end of the bills then STOP.

This can wait.  But your retirement cannot.  All too often I hear stories of women emptying their bank accounts and 401ks to lend a man money because he is in a bind.  Dude of Bank of America won’t lend him the money why would you?

Case and point:  Here’s a letter from a reader over at BlackNBougie:

Hey Chele,

Just wanted to say I love the books and your blog first. But I do have an issue to get your opinion on. I met a guy three years ago. Very nice, ambitious and respectful. We got along very well and quickly went from the friend zone to being together. After around 18 months, he proposed and I accepted. We moved in together and started consolidating bank accounts, etc.

I was so upset reading this letter than I couldn’t even give a proper and measured response.  I mean, why do women do this to themselves!?  Maybe the penis is just that good.  I can’t fathom, well maybe I can but I guarand*mntee you I would still have my wits about me because no man is getting my retirement account.  You can get a loan for a house but you can’t get one for retirement.  *sigh*   Make sure to check out the response over at BlackNBougie.

What advice do you have for this reader?  Where do you think she went wrong and have you ever asked a man to sign a promissory note before lending money?  Have you moved in with a boyfriend?  If so, did you have an agreement set up prior to doing so?  Pros?  Cons?

My advice?  Don’t give a man what he should be earning before he puts a ring on it.  I tend to think they get lazy and complacent (some) with nothing to work towards if you decide to live together with no concrete plans for marriage.  Concrete=ring, date set, money down on the catering hall, dress and rings paid for.  Yes, I know *snort* Pot, meet Kettle.  But this pot has some lessons for you kettles out there *wink*

We’ve all see the same Judge Joe Brown or Judge Judy case where the ex takes the other to court about financial disputes including but not limited to bank fees, credit card bills, rent, personal loans and the like. So what’s a newly shacked couple to do?

Do they discuss the possible breakup now or do they jump in head first?

According to MSN Money:

The No. 1 hazard of living together is that it offers almost none of the financial or legal protection that marriage does… As unromantic as it sounds, most experts on the unmarried state advise those of us contemplating it to make some kind of contract, even an informal cohabitation agreement, that will protect each person’s assets and document key expectations.

Discuss your expectations now!

Sounds harsh but with so many couples finding themselves in small claims court, it is often best to get whatever financial agreements you have in writing. The reality is that the love you feel now, will not be there should the relationship fall apart.

Protect yourself.

Sit down and have a frank discussion about your finances with your significant other Decide who will pay the bills and split them in half to be equitable in the distribution. Or decide that each will pay based on their income. This opens the dialogue for expectations about who will pay what at the end of the month.

Here are a few tips on how to get started:

• The Talk
  • Start by talking to your significant other about their attitudes towards money. This can include their saving and spending habits? Are they paying their monthly obligations on time? Are they behind on anything? You really don’t want to cosign on a loan with your significant other if they are in collections for $54 or $5400.

• Fair Share
  • Decide how you want to split the bills. Will you split it down the middle (half) or will you one person pay a portion based on how much they make? Make sure that whatever you decide is fair for both sides as this can cause a rift if one is carrying most of the burden. Divide your expenses in proportion to your income.

• Emergencies
  • How will you handle emergencies? Will you have a separate emergency fund? Credit cards? Tap the 401k? These are all things that should be discussed prior to an emergency.

• Separate Accounts
  • Keep separate accounts. This keeps the paper trail clean around who pays what over the course of the month. Write this down so that there is no confusion about who’s responsibility it is to pay the gas bill.
• Write it down
  • It never fails when a woman takes a man to small claims court that she rarely has everything written down detailing the agreement for which she is now seeking payment.  Write it down!  Don’t kid yourself into believing that everything will be great should you decide to split.  Write it down and protect yourself in the event the relationship does not work out.

Personal finance is just that personal, and brings along with it deep rooted values about money. It is best to get that out in the open and discuss attitudes towards money early on. Spend time discussing the above mentioned with your significant other to avoid issues that may come up later. And ladies, if this is something you are unable to talk with your SO about then perhaps you should rethink the move.

Unless you’re living under a rock then you may have noticed the recent drama with Steve Drama and his ex-wife, Mary Harvey.  Without going into too much detail about their history, basically they got divorced some years ago using the same lawyer, details are pretty messy but she ended up with $1000 a month in alimony and losing full custody of their son to Steve.  There are also allegations of physical and verbal abuse as well.  Get all the sordid details here.

But as I read through much of the drama and became embroiled in several debates about the issue, it occured to me how important it is for us to continually pay attention to our needs while in a relationship or marriage.

Protect Yourself Financially

There is no reason EVER in 2010 that a man should be able to leave you and you not be able to bounce back on your two feet. We have access to education and women are increasingly climbing the ranks in the workplace.  Stop that.  Stop giving up your independence and livelihood to be able to sit at home with the kids.  Yes I said it.  Go back to school.  Get a part time job in your field to keep your resume fresh.  Life happens, be prepared for it.

I am not saying live as if you will divorce but honey, if your man became ill tomorrow or heaven forbid something happens where there is no income anymore in his end, what will you do?  Get a plan because a man is not a financial plan.  Women like Mary irk me for several reasons.  But as it relates to this post, I just don’t ever think it is wise to give up your livelihood for him without some sort of agreement stipulating how you will be compensated should you part ways.

And yes, you’re rolling your eyes now because marriage is 100% about love and thoughts like this dare not ever enter into your mind.  But when you’re sitting in front of a judge begging for spousal support then you are painfully reminded that this is indeed business.

So many don’t like to visit the business aspect of a marriage/relationship but talk to me after you give it all up and have nothing to show for if you get divorced or when the kids leave home and you’re left feeling like a discarded race horse.

Learn When to Move On

I realize that I don’t have all the pieces to the story but someone has to move on right?  Let that person be you.  Surrender to the BS, waive your flag and move on.  Don’t walk in dog mess over and over and over again and then go blasting about it on Youtube.  Find the lesson in the midst of the storm and move forward. Especially when there are minor children involved.

Pay Attention to Who You’re Sleeping With

Literally and Figueratively.  So many get caught up in the good tingly feelings of love that they fail to pay attention to the red flags.  God throws pebbles before he brings out the bricks for the rock heads.  By then it’s always too late.  If a man is cheating on and/or beating you throughout the relationship then that’s his character flaw and not yours.

Then again, yours may be that you don’t know how to recognize what true love is and leave at the first sign of trouble.  We all have at one point or another made the decisions to stay with these fools.  Know when to move on and learn the lesson from this relationship.  Once you do that and accept that you deserve better then real love will come to you.  But it can’t if you’re still caught up sleeping with the enemy.

Love Yourself First!

Lastly, ladies love yourselves first.  Falling in love with YOU opens your eyes to the things that will never serve you in a manner that you need to learn and grow.   Being in love is great, but loving yourself first and making him respect your standards is an even better feeling.

What are your thoughts on the Steve Harvey drama with hsi ex-wife?

Susan Gernhart is back with a thought provoking post on the dating habits of women dating in 2010.  My how they’ve changed over the years with the advent of the Internet!  Please read and share your thoughts in the comments about dating and going dutch in 2010.

Dating in 2010.  It’s definitely not the same as it was in 1955.  Or, 2005 for that matter.  The Internet has drastically altered the rules of the dating game (and it is sort of a game, no?).

After four or five rounds with the snooze button, I groggily awoke to a husky voice emanating from my alarm clock radio in deep discussion over a recent survey about who pays on dates.  The results stated that due to a combination of hectic lifestyle and technology, women don’t expect men to pay for dinner.

The DJ (the female voice that finally forced me to separate head from pillow) and most of her listeners were annoyed, shocked and outraged.  (After mustering up enough energy to crawl out of bed, I logged onto her blog only to find several parts of her continued rant in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.)

One woman caller insisted that men should always pay on the first date because in doing so, it’s a prerequisite for the rest of their relationship.  It shows that he can provide for her and their future family, as a father/husband figure should.  Many supported her views, insisting that a guy not paying was a turn off and exemplified rude behavior.

An August 2010 poll (www.eatocracy.cnn.com) asked readers: First date at a modestly-priced restaurant. Who should pay? 19,137 people responded and here are the results:

• The one did the asking out should pay, but the other should ask, and be politely refused. 49.12%(9,401 votes)
• The one who asked the other out – no question. 32.93% (6,301 votes)
• It should be split down the middle. 6.63% (1,269 votes)
• The one who did the asking out, but their guest should pay the tip. 4.07% (778 votes)
• Other 3.73% (714 votes)
• The guest should be allowed to pay if they offer. 2.57% (492 votes)
• The one who grabs the check first 0.95% (182 votes)

First observation?  The survey is free of any gender references – “man/woman” has been replaced with “asker/askee”.  (And as we know, more and more woman are courageous enough to be the “asker’s” these days.)

I’m going to introduce a third factor (in addition to the aforementioned busy schedules and social networking sites) – the economy.

Let’s face it.  It’s still a disaster.  The Labor Department reported that overall, a total of 95,000 jobs were lost in September, far worse than expected and down from the previous month.

“The economy is no better, no worse,” Heidi Shierholz, an economist with the Economic Policy Institute said in a research note. “America’s workers are still in hell.”

Another disheartening statistic: the “underemployment rate” which encompasses discouraged people without jobs and those working part-time in lieu of full-time work increased from 17.1% from 16.7% in August.   In simplest terms, more than one in six adults are without the job they want or need.

Furthermore, women are facing an 8% unemployment rate compared to their counterparts who find themselves at 9.8%.

So, do we still think men should pay?  If so how often?  Just the first date?  Every date?  Every other date? Yes, it’s a chivalrous act, but as one male friend noted, chivalry started eons ago when men worked and women didn’t, leaving them no means to pay for a slice of pizza even if they wanted to.

Me?  I don’t think there is a single clear cut response that applies to everyone.  (Well, saying one person should pay all the time wouldn’t be fair.  I’ve played the role of someone’s ATM and unless your bank account rivals Bill Gates’, I don’t recommend it.)

For some couple, splitting the dinner bills may be the best solution.  Maybe both parties make the same amount of money.  Maybe her salary rivals his and she can afford to pull out her wallet just as often.  Or perhaps she’s very independent and contributing financially is a priority for her.

Women all want independence and equality; are we sending mixed messages when we “require” men to pay all the time?  Do these factors – busy lifestyles and job losses – influence your opinion?  Has your outlook on dating changed in the past few years?

For the last two weeks I’ve been dealing with a situation which required me to intervene with a couple with regard to their finances.  To say that this has been the most frustrating two weeks of my life is an understatement.  Sleepless nights.  Crazy emails back and forth.  One hand not knowing what the other is doing.  Just pure madness if you ask me.  I tend to take on my friends’ emotions so it was hard for me to listen to both sides while helping them manage the emotional and financial impact of their issues.

While I understand how difficult it can be to hammer out differences when your financial values aren’t aligned, only now did I begin to understand how it goes down in other relationships.

The couple never communicated in their almost 10 years of marriage about how they wanted to handle their money-together or apart.   Here’s a snapshot of their issues:

• The wife feels they should have everything together but the husband has always maintained separate accounts.
• The husband has no sincere interest in managing the money, just wants it deposited the rest should take care of itself. o_O
• The wife lacks some integrity in her financial dealings while the husband is opposite in this regard, still he just doesnt want to deal with it all.
• They don’t talk about how bills should be paid.  They just haphazardly get paid with little thought about how things should be done.

Do you see a common theme?

Lack of communication.

And, being in the middle of it all I wanted to rip my hair out.

As we move towards the end of this debacle, only now are they starting to learn how to communicate about money in their relationship.

As a result they’ve realized the following:

1.  Communicate early and be honest about your feelings towards money management in a marriage.  I don’t really believe in separate accounts but it works for some people.

2.  Do some introspection about how your values clash with those of your spouse/partner’s values and discuss in detail.  It may not take one conversation so be prepared for several.

3.  Understand your weaknesses.  If you realize that your spouse is weak in one area then work to balance and support them if possible.  For example, if your partner has no interest in daily money management then you must learn how.  Bills have to get paid.

One other interesting point is that while the wife usually manages the money and she prefers it this way, she was really pissed that her husband had no interest in the finances.  And, on some level I can relate to her frustration.  My husband is the same way.  He only cares about making the money, managing the minutia of our personal finances isn’t one of his strong points, though he manages millions in his day job.

And it took me a good long while to accept this fact.  I like the control I have, he gives me carte blanche, but when I don’t feel like doing it he doesn’t automatically pick it up.  I have to task him in this area to get it done.

When the wife was enraged that her hubby dropped the ball on a few things, I welcomed her to the club LOL

Still, we were able to talk about how to engage him in a way that made him comfortable.  I suggested that perhaps tasking him with minor things might work.  For instance, if I am overwhelmed, there are times when I will create a list of things for my hubby to do as it relates to our money.  And he gets it done.  But if it’s something long term and consistent then he might forget.  And since I am the money nazi in our relationship (checking balances daily, categorizing transactions in Yodlee weekly, reviewing the budget monthly), I’ve learned to focus on how my strengths compliment his weaknesses.

I hope this was informative for you as it was for me.  Having this much up close and personal involvement in someone else’s finances truly helped me realize that personal finances, is really just that –> personal.