Last week I was talking to my mom about my latest visit to my GYN, the cost of IVF and other maternity health related banter.

I’ve blogged about both of our families asking intrusive questions and seemingly never really understanding that this is something we wanted to do on our own time.  After all, this is an important decision, a life changing one and I wanted to make sure that I was ready.  I wanted to get to a point where I craved being a mom and when we just got married, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be a mom.

But now Im ready.  Why?  I would rather have a our kids born to the grounded and self-assured 30 something me than the insecure 20 something version of myself.

My Choice.  I Run My Life.

Having several friends who either rushed into having kids or had children unexpectedly, I learned quickly that I didn’t want to be forced into having to tailor my life around a child.  I wanted to plan the whole thing and soak it up rather than becoming resentful about a process that was forced on me due to hifalutin social timelines and family expectations.  And knowing me, I would be resentful, I own and accept that about myself and resisted the temptation to cave in and have kids before we were ready.

Career Before Baby

The husband and I agreed that I would be solid in my career before settling down to have children.  This was important to me since I don’t know where my career will be once we have children.  While my husband knows that I love him to pieces, should he ever decide this union is something he no longer wants, I need to be able to make a living.  Thus, I was not going to have a child prior to my career being on solid ground.

Maternity Chip

As I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t sure I wanted children unbeknownst to my husband during the early beginnings of our marriage.  I wasn’t even sure that I knew this looking back on those days, just sort of figured it would happen when it did.  As the months and years went on I went through some serious self examination about motherhood, my expectations and what it would mean for me.  Once I became peace with those barriers then I started to warm up to the idea of being someone’s mother  I work with children in my day job and it has been and continues to be the most enriching experience of my life!  I enjoy them in a way that has blessed me and increased my desire to be a mom.

My GYN even made sure to sit down and answer alllll of my questions related to the process which really eased my tension.  You know how docs tend to rush through the visit right?   Well, he didn’t and tends to think that I am overly worried about our chances given my relatively younger age and good health compared to women who are in their mid to late 40s.

Of major concerns were the women on fertility boards who discuss going through multiple cycles and I thought I would be in the same boat.  He reassured me this would not be the case and that he expects us to go through 1 IVF cycle in order to conceive!  I don’t know exactly when we will get started with the IVF process, hubby travels extensively right now and that needs to settle down before we get started.

So yea, I’m ready and no longer wince around thinking about pregnancy and child birth!   It’s taken me some time to really get to this point but I’ve enjoyed the journey and ready to get started!

How did you know you were ready to become a mom?  Did something just switch on?  I’ll be honest and say I don’t know that I was ready to be “wife” until 1.5 years into our marriage.  The intent was there but to really step into it?  Only happened recently LOL  And I’m ok with that, we all live, love and grow.

Did you plan everything around your pregnancy?  Anything?  Timing?

Was your pregnancy something you looked forward to?

You all know I am trying to plan this thing down to the second I go into labor and even then I’m asking the OGBYN to have an Epidural ready as soon as I get wheeled into Labor and Delivery!  LOL  *prick*  *euphoria*

So how did you know you were ready to become a mom and was it something you’d always looked forward to?

I question how ready i am emotionally to become a mom.  Everything seems to be in place-husband, marriage, house, finished with grad school and so the next logical phase seems to be motherhood.  But Im just not quite there yet as I still have some things to get out of my system.  I feel some sorta way for not following the prescribed social time line but I’m moving through it.

Since my last post about our time line it has since changed.  We’ve now decided to just wait to see the outcome of my application to the doctoral program and then take it from there.

There’s also the physical and emotional demands of being a mother that Im kinda not sure I’m ready to take on.  Right now I enjoy being able to leave on a moment’s notice for a getaway weekend or not have to worry about dropping baby weight.  I’m not there yet where Ive come to accept those sacrifices as part of my life.  And, you know while Im OK with it, I still feel some sorta way.

Why?

Well, I feel like my friends and family accept these changes and well uhmm I dont.  I am very much a planner with regards to every aspect of my life.  I have to know who, when, where why and how and I think having a child brings along with it a certain level of unpredictability that I am not ready for at this stage in my life.

So how did you know you were ready?  Please tell me there’s a switch some where?

So with all this talk about motherhood, my husband and I have been having pretty frank discussions about my reservations around having a child right now, one of them that I haven’t discussed being adequate and quality childcare. He then asked if I would consider being a stay at home mom devoted solely to raising our kids and my reaction was, uhmm no.

You see, I’m over the guilt imposed by other moms and the SAHM vs Working Mom debate.  Over it.  I’m completely OK with the fact that I am driven by my career and that I have total satisfaction in this area of my life.  So there’s that.  I just realize that I have to figure out how to get what I want while being the wife, mother and professional i aspire to be.

Where i am going with you ask?

Well, while I truly respect the choices of moms to stay at home (the ones who stay at home and truly do NOTHING BUT take care of home and kids, not the mom blogger type raking in the elusive blogger dollars or ones with part time jobs), I have to wonder about the what if factor?

What if your husband keels over heaven forbid tomorrow? What if he decides that you are no longer the love of his life?  Have you seen the scene from Diary Of A Mad Black Woman where he kicks her out and moves the mistress in?   What if you just decide one day that you want to have a career? How do you then get back into the game should one of the above mentioned hammers hit the nail?

I admit to being fiercely independent but only recently so due to finishing grad school and now working, so mama’s bring home the dollas LOL  I don’t have to, but I do because I get a sense of fulfillment in this area of my life and I know that should anything happen, I’m good to go financially.  Still, for the last 3 years I worked sporadically, while finishing grad school.

So my questions to SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms who do not work at all or are in school), what is your plan should the what if happen? Do you have a plan?  If so, what is it? I ask not to incite that tired old debate, but because I truly want to know, and frankly, I think you should know too.

After writing the Economoms post, I received so many emails thanking me for the information and asking about more resources.  So I know that there are some out there who didn’t see this recession coming, with their husbands having lost their jobs, now some SAHMs are forced to re-enter the work force, many 5-10 years out. What’s the plan?

My husband and I had a good talk tonight about what the next stage in our lives should be.  Since completing my graduate studies I love not having to study for a test, write a paper or get together for a group project on the weekends.  What I love even more is my job and the money I make.  There’s something freeing about bringing in my own money from something that I love to do.  Truly.   So life has been pretty foot loose and fancy free around here.  Right now we’re both studying for our respective licensures and certifications but that’s it.

This is our first year together not being graduate students as we met in grad school, so it’s kind of like getting to know each other and dating all over again, we’re just married now.  It’s weird, but that’s how I can best explain it.  We were both pretty busy with grad school, working and in some ways our relationship suffered as a result.  But we’re at a stage where we’re just completely enjoying each other again.

Still, having turned 29 over the weekend I started of course thinking about the next step in our lives.  [Aside: We are planning on adopting a Malamute within the next few weeks/months]  Should I apply for my intended doctoral program or should we start having babies?  That’s a tough question for me as I value my career just as much as I do being a mom.  Becoming a mom was a recent decision, as recent as tonight because there were times when I wasn’t sure if I was cut out to be a mom and this was based on my own complicated relationship with my mother and rocky childhood.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a fun childhood and I was a badass but there were some equally tough times as well.  I only made the connection within the last year but this has been a sorted journey of self revelation, honesty, digging up old resentments and making attempts to resolve events of the past.

I read somewhere that the journey of motherhood causes a shift in a woman’s identity and before tonight I wasn’t sure if it was something I was ready for as I never looked to that in order to define my womanhood.  I wasn’t ready and perhaps to some degree, still am not ready for the identity shift that comes with being a mother.  Yes, Ive been in therapy, done much soul searching and finally tonight it was just a talk with my husband and his reassurance that put everything in place for me.

I’m not sure why or how, really I don’t, but this was a conversation I dreaded having because Ive known that he’s left it up to me as to when we would start having children but I never really nailed down a complete time frame.  As you know, Ive got to plan everything as best as I can, even children LOL

We went through my reasons for wanting to get a doctorate, balancing the demands of motherhood with our careers, childcare, my position at my job, IE dropping clients once I take go on maternity leave and having to rebuild once I return, finances etc etc  Basically everything that goes into finally making this decision.  This conversation was deliberate in that I wanted to really open my heart and share my concerns about taking the next step.  For some women, I’m sure this is a no brainer, but for me this was much more.

So we came up with this timeline…..

• Fall 2009 Take and pass my state boards
• Spring 1010 Study for GRE (scores expired and I need to retake it)
• January/Spring 2010 Start trying for baby (TTC)
• **Get pregnant somewhere thereabouts?**
• Fall 2010 Apply for doctoral program, be fully licensed as a LPC and hopefully be pregnant/have delivered
• Fall 2011 Baby should be at least one year when I get started on doc program and we will have adjusted to all the changes, secured in home childcare and happily on schedule once again.

My concern of course is working, being in school and raising a child, something may have to give, and it can’t be motherhood LOL.   Of course I know millions of women do this and then some but I do have to be respectful of my breaking point.

One day when I am comfortable I will share the issues from my childhood which plague my hesitations around becoming a mom but what I will say is I’m happy that I married someone who is letting me take my time in making this decision.  I realize that Ive created my own ticking biological clock and he’s been patient to wait for me to get to where I need to be in order to take the next step.  For that I am grateful because this has been one hell of a ride.

Till then, I will share that I had a mini consultation with Sherri Kalt of Authentic Mom and she recommended I read:  The Whole Parent: How To Become A Terrific Parent Even If You Didn’t Have One by Debra Wesselmann.  This has been a complete eye-opener and deeply insightful as the author speaks to many of my concerns around how my childhood will shape my experience as a mom.

This isn’t to in any way bash my mother or take away from her efforts in raising me, but Ive finally come to the conclusion that even with her best effort and working with the tools she had as a young mother, I’m still left with scars that have yet to heal.  I wish I could say live and let live but this has become a process, one that I have reluctantly chosen to face but doing so knowing that the rewards will be well worth it.

I also read When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda which was good in helping me deal with our relationship as it stands today.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage!  Right?  Well, not so fast.

The issue for some women after the arrival of baby seems to be:

Who am I?

What am I worth?

Am I still considered a professional and competent woman?

Are my abilities, education and experience still respected after having a baby?

Who am I outside of my work?

Last evening, while talking to a the blog owner of Six Figure Moms Club, Angie Swartz and she said that one of the recent phenomenons that she’s come across is that professional women lose confidence in their abilities once they have children.

I thought I’d pose the question to the readers to see if you could provide any insight. I hadn’t thought about that but it is a concern of mine as I make the shift from grad student to career woman and pretty soon motherhood.  I wonder if has to do with identity shifts from being a professional woman to becoming a mom and what that means in our society?

To further illustrate, while at Blogworld, one of the panelists from How to Market To Mommy Bloggers got a little irritated when they referenced her as a “mommy blogger”. I was bit confused but she explained it as the tech bloggers look down on her when she explained what she does with her blog, the reply she received was “oh, so you’re a mommy blogger…*blank stare*”…” I get that they probably said it in a condescending tone as if what she blogs about is any less important but what I don’t understand is why can’t they shake that? They are a HUGE brand in the blogosphere with companies like Graco and Huggies courting them pretty often.

Brand Sponsorship as a blogger = $$$mooolah! = Power 

Now, I know you’re probably asking what does this have to do with personal finance?  Well, think about it, if a woman’s self perception is that her worth is less now that she has a baby, is she more likely to demand what she is worth as a freelancer/consultant?  Angie said in her experience, some do not.  Especially if she is now separated from her former place of employment and consulting because of the need for flexibility this type of work provides.

Lower perception of self worth as a mom = Not demanding what you’re worth in the business arena/workplace.

Why do you think there is such a negative identity shift from professional woman to mother/mom?

Have you seen this happen?

Why do you think this happens?

Have you experienced this in your own life?

Please, feel free to be open and candid in your responses.

#bwe08

My interest piqued in a new book written by author Leslie Bennetts: The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? She speaks to many of the concerns I have as a young married woman approaching motherhood. This is such a sensitive debate, so I wonder why the author seems to be so divisive when addressing the issue. Speaking as someone who is childless I can’t imagine the sacrifices it takes to leave your career and choose to stay at home with baby through school years or even permanently. And, as such, I believe after reading many reviews and other mom blogs about the issue, this is what’s turned many women off from even picking up the book.

Still, I think she poses really important topics that any and every woman should think about when considering staying at home to be with their children.

• Have you calculated how much you’re retirement account will suffer?
• Do you have a plan for re-entering the workforce years later?
• How will you keep up skills & contacts?
• Have you calculated not only the lost income, but the lower pay you’ll most likely earn when you go back, vs. what you would have earned had you stayed in the work force w/out interruption?
• Do you have a written understanding with your husband about support in the event of the divorce?
• Does he acknowledge the financial risk you are taking?

This is where my quest for balance comes into play. Is it possible for us to balance motherhood and career at the same time and give each equal attention while maintaining our sanity? We have to consider our careers, being a committed mom, potential financial setbacks by not working and even possibly divorce if things don’t work out.

There are women who choose to work from home via flexible schedules and there are some who start home businesses or even go back to school while raising their children so I know that it’s possible. This issue just seems to be laden with so many possibilities its hard to figure out from my stand point how things will all work itself out. My husband is very supportive of my decision to stay at home and actually prefers it, my issue lies in how this will all work itself out.

As I move forward in my life and career these are the questions that come to mind as we make the decision on when to have kids. I want to be there for them and to see each waking moment but at what cost down the line? Life happens right? I think most of the sources of information tend to be one-sided and I think its important to have information about the pros and cons of staying home or working or even both.

This is where the Washington Post’s article, After A Baby, Full Time Or Part? chimes in as they also make some really good points for both mothers to be women post baby deciding on whether or not to re-enter the workforce. The article specifically hones in on how to negotiate for pay, benefits, and work out finances post-baby:

• Remember what you are worth, think about the things you want and need and ask for them. Start big and negotiate down if the company isn’t willing or able to meet your desires.
• Emphasize what you’re saving the company by going part time and taking a smaller salary
• If you can’t get full benefits, aim for proportional benefits. For instance, if you work an 80 percent schedule with 80% of your salary then you could get 80% of your benefits
• Look for alternatives and be creative. If your company can’t pay for your health insurance, offer to stay on the plan but pay the employer contribution-if that’s cheaper than paying for coverage on your own.
• Challenge employers who may be reluctant to allow a part time schedule. You may for instance offer to be available via email and or phone in exchange for leaving work at 3pm to greet your children coming home from school.
• Offer a trial period, people are more comfortable agreeing to something on a three-month time frame rather than a year. If gives you time to pilot and see if it will work. It usually does.

If you’re mom, how soon after the birth of baby did you return to work?

If you did not return to work then how did you come to that decision?

Do you have any regrets?

Resources:

• www.womenwork.org
• cvworkingfamilies.org
• mom-entum.com
• mommytrackd.com
• dcworkingmoms.com

Books all Working Moms Should Read

The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued by Ann Crittenden Buy used from: $9.07 Learn about the economics behind motherhood.

The Mommy Myth : The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women by Susan Douglas Buy used from: $6.62 This book will help you give up society’s ideal of the ‘perfect mom.’

Perfect Madness: Motherhead in the Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner Buy new: $5.99 / Used from: $4.94 Another book to help you give up the guilt.

I’m torn.  I want it all.  I want to be the consummate mother, wife, career woman, entrepreneur, you name it I want it.  There’s a fine line that must be respected or else you run the risk of tipping the scales.  And if you do, is it so bad?  I want to witness every waking moment with our children and I want to know that I worked hard to give them the best.  I also want to protect them from the harsh realities of our world the best that I can.  Still, I know that I have to keep ME in mind.  I still want to put my education and experience to good use, not stay at home, be bored and possibly take myself out of the running within my chosen field.

Decisions, decisions.   Im sure DH isn’t thinking about this at all!  LOL!  How great it must me to be a man!

My interest piqued in a new book written by author Leslie Bennetts: “The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?” She speaks to many of the concerns I have as a young married woman approaching motherhood. This is such a sensitive debate, so I wonder why the author seems to be so divisive when addressing the issue. Speaking as someone who is childless I can’t imagine the sacrifices it takes to leave your career and choose to stay at home with baby through school years or even permanently. And, as such, I believe after reading many reviews and other mom blogs about the issue, this is what’s turned many women off from even picking up the book.

Still, I think she poses really important topics that any and every woman should think about when considering staying at home to be with their children.

• Have you calculated how much you’re retirement account will suffer?
• Do you have a plan for re-entering the workforce years later?
• How will you keep up skills & contacts?
• Have you calculated not only the lost income, but the lower pay you’ll most likely earn when you go back, vs. what you would have earned had you stayed in the work force w/out interruption?
• Do you have a written understanding with your husband about support in the event of the divorce? Does he acknowledge the financial risk you are taking?

This is where my quest for balance chimes in. Is it possible for us to balance motherhood and career at the same time and give each equal attention while maintaining our sanity? There are women who choose to work from home via flexible schedules and there are some who start home businesses or even go back to school while raising their children.

As I move forward in my life and career these are the questions that come to mind as we make the decision on when to have kids. I want to be there for them and to see each waking moment but at what cost down the line? Life happens right? I think most of the sources of information tend to be one-sided and I think its important to have information about the pros and cons of staying home or working or even both.

This is where the Washington Post’s article, After A Baby, Full Time Or Part?” chimes in as they also make some really good points for both mothers to be women post baby deciding on whether or not to re-enter the workforce. The article specifically hones in on how to negotiate for pay, benefits, and work out finances post-baby:

• Remember what you are worth, think about the things you want and need and ask for them. Start big and negotiate down if the company isn’t willing or able to meet your desires.
• Emphasize what you’re saving the company by going part time and taking a smaller salary
• If you can’t get full benefits, aim for proportional benefits. For instance, if you work an 80 percent schedule with 80% of your salary then you could get 80% of your benefits
• Look for alternatives and be creative. If your company can’t pay for your health insurance, offer to stay on the plan but pay the employer contribution-if that’s cheaper than paying for coverage on your own.
• Challenge employers who may be reluctant to allow a part time schedule. You may for instance offer to be available via email and or phone in exchange for leaving work at 3pm to greet your children coming home from school.
• Offer a trial period, people are more comfortable agreeing to something on a three-month time frame rather than a year. If gives you time to pilot and see if it will work. It usually does.