It’s an exciting feeling when you and your partner finally decide that it’s time to start a family!  Or perhaps you fall into the “surprise!” category and it’s, “ready or not, here we go!”  As exciting as it is, it can be scary as well.  Tons of different emotions and thoughts go through your head, just like anytime you step into The Great Unknown.  The notion of pregnancy itself is daunting enough, but what about your career?  Will you be able to afford a baby?  Take a deep breath; the bottom line is you will make it work one way or another, but a little planning is always helpful.  Here are some important things to consider:

Financial

• Baby expenses – In addition to monthly expenses, there is the upfront cost of all of the gear to prepare for baby’s arrival.  Babycenter.com estimates the total upfront cost of all of the gear you’ll need at $2k.  If you’re fortunate enough to have your family or friends throw you a baby shower, that is a huge help.  Monthly expenses can vary between $150-$500 or more, depending on several factors such whether you’ll use formula, diapering choice, childcare, etc. 
• Life insurance – You will need to purchase life insurance policies as a safety net for your family; for some guidelines on how much you need, see my previous article, “Life Insurance:  How Much Does Your Family Need?”
• Health Insurance – Your health insurance policy will need to be expanded to the “family” option.  Policies can be changed mid-year for life events such as the birth or adoption of a child.
• Will – If you don’t already have one, you absolutely need one once you start your family.  As part of the process, you and your partner will need to decide who you would want to be the guardian(s) of your children if something were to happen to both of you.
• Taxes – Your new little one will bring a change in tax status.  Be aware of the various deductions available related to children; you also will have the option to change paycheck withholdings.
• Saving for college – It’s never too early to start saving for your children’s higher education; in fact, the earlier the better!  Look into the various 529 plans available. 

Career

The million dollar question is whether you will go back to work after your maternity leave or become a stay at home mom.  This is a huge decision with many things to consider on either side of the fence. 

• Going Back to Work
  • Check your maternity leave policy with your HR department
  • Explore different childcare options to determine the right fit for your family
  • Consider the other costs associated with going back to work (fuel, eating meals out, wardrobe maintenance, etc.)
  • Prepare for the emotional adjustment of going back; it is helpful to have a support group of working moms at work
  • Be sure your child’s caretaker is aware of your child-raising values and methods so they are consistent (mealtime or naptime rituals, discipline, etc.)

• Becoming a Stay at Home Mom
  • Your spouse will need to be able to provide health insurance for the whole family
  • Evaluate what changes you need to make to your retirement savings to still meet your goals as a one-income household
  • Other perks from your job will you be forgoing, such as corporate discounts
  • Brainstorm ways to get involved in activities for mental and social stimulation
  • What are the options in your field for possible future career re-entry?

To help you sort through the chaos of emotions and questions when planning for parenthood, you may want to consider a baby planning service like [MOD] Momma, Inc.:  http://www.modmomma.com/  This kind of service assists you with issues like: what to expect during pregnancy, childbirth options, feeding issues, baby product choices, baby registries, child safety, childcare, transitioning back to work, and much more. 

Remember, planning is important since you won’t have the time or inclination to think about such things once you’re headfirst in the sleep-deprived, lovesick fog of new motherhood.  However, don’t overstress – you can always make necessary adjustments if something isn’t working out the way you planned.  Try to go with the flow; it is good practice for motherhood!

(image: momlogic)

Is there a perceived loss of equity and partnership because a stay at home wife/mom isn’t “pulling her financial weight”?  Given the feminist fight for equality, should women make the choice to stay at home?  Will our daughters revolt when all is said and done?

Let’s rehash this debate shall we?

Historically on this blog, and I’m sure many other sites-the stay at home mom vs stay at home wife vs working mom/wife debate has been heated and at times unbearable to watch or read.  It’s one of those debates that stirs the ire of many women who feel strongly about their decision -to stay at home or work outside of the home.

When I started writing this blog, I was a graduate student with no real personal income.  Sure, I had PT jobs here and there but nothing really consistent that brought in any significant moolah.  This made me dependent on my husband’s income during until I began working full time.  At the time, I was OKAY and quite content with being a stay at home wife, but if we’re being honest, I was also quite nervous about “not pulling my weight”.  Not because my husband said so but I had a working mom growing up so this was new to me.  I had no real responsibilities and able to come and go as I pleased.  I made friends with a few wives in our community and we’d either go shopping or hang out during the days when I wasn’t burning the midnight oil on campus.

Since then, my position has changed.

Why?  I’m not sure.  Well, let me take that back, I do.  I love working for my own money.  I enjoy making my own money. I am secure knowing that if something were to happen to the other income in our household that I’d be able to hold down the fort.

This isn’t a swipe at stay at home wives or moms because I think we’re all free to make our own decisions around what makes us happy.

Still my position remains the same for women in any situation where they aren’t bringing in money on their own.  Where is your safety net should the other income disappear?

To answer a few questions that have come up and still do even now:

Why then did I think a one person income was more secure than a two person income?

I felt this way because we lived within our means and had a 14 month emergency fund.  If his income was no longer there then we would have the emergency fund to fall back on with no problem.  Usually two income households are stretched to the limit and living outside of their means and this wasn’t the case with us.  If one person loses a job then there’s hardly any savings and the other person must shoulder the burden.  Now, this isn’t the case for all 2 income households but have you seen the average US individual savings rate lately?

Why tout breaking financial ceilings but at the same time support women who stay at home with no job?

Because I can.  Because those women can and choose to do so despite what anyone thinks.  Feminism is about choice and I what works for someone else won’t work for me and I’m OK with that.  At the end of the day women have the right to choose what situation works for them.

Is it something I would choose to do today?  No, I don’t believe so.   Since that time, I finished graduate school and I’ve spent some time in my career.  The decision I’ve come to is that my ideal would be working 15-20 hours per week if I had a child.  Right now I work long hours on site and from home.  When I have kids I’ll need more balance and at this time (child-free) I don’t know that I would want to stay at home all day with my kids.

I’m sure it’s the all encompassing dream that some moms make it out to be but I know better given my day job working in mental health.  Being a mom is a full time job with no breaks and I respect that.  Luckily, I know myself well enough to know that I’d need more of a balance with my career and raising children.

My boss is a great example of this as she owns a business and while she does most of the work from home (I run the daily operations) she gets to be at home with her children (she works from home on other projects) while we make her money.    I’m not mad at that at all!  In fact, this is my new blueprint for balance when I have children myself.

You see, while I want kids, I also know that I enjoy the financial freedom of making my own moolah.  She is living my ideal of having it all- she is a doctor, married, children, successful business and she looks pretty good doing it!    Aside:  I really admire working moms who don’t let themselves go, I want to be like them when I grow up!

I’d love to hear your position on the stay at home vs working wife/mom debate?  Has it changed at all over the years?  If so, why?  Tell us below!

Over the last year, we’ve been doing research on health insurance and whether we would be able to find fertility coverage through a group plan.  Unfortunately, this has not panned out in our favor as neither mine nor my husband’s job provide this type of coverage.  Still, this wasn’t a surprise, but we’d hoped to find a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere.

What we did find out is that depending on the type of plan you have, individual or group, you may not even have maternity coverage!

After consulting with many individual plans about fertility coverage, it just didn’t make sense as the premiums paid would equal the cost of the procedure itself.  So we have that money put aside instead of plunking it into an insurance policy.  That said, the inquiry often went towards the fact that the individual plans do not cover any conditions related to maternity care.   This would mean any visits related to prenatal care or delivery would leave me with a large bill as they are not covered under the individual plan.

TIP:  Check your policy for exclusions and note specifically what is covered or you could be left with a large bill!  Ask about possibly adding riders which may meet your specific needs.

This of course is a deal breaker for me as I currently have full coverage through my husband’s health plan which is a group policy.  While the individual policy is much cheaper, the cons outweigh the financial pros of a lower premium.

Individual vs Group Health Insurance

This lead me to research further the differences between an Individual vs Group policy.  In short when considering the two, it is important to remember:

• Group insurance is obtained through your place of work and Individual insurance is obtained on your own, often through an insurance agent.
• You have more control around what’s included in an individual plan than you do with a group plan.  Individual plans are often customized whereas a group plan is tailored to the needs of your employer.  They decide what’s covered, you have no say in it.
• Do not cancel a group policy before researching the merits of an individual policy.  While the latter is cheaper, they come with many exclusions such as maternity care.
• Read the fine print!  Read the fine print!  Read the fine print!  This goes for any insurance policy.  What are your exclusions and are you able to add an affordable rider?  These are questions to ask your insurance agent or human resources representative.
• While prescription coverage is optional on an individual plan, it is worth having if you are ill and need medication.

Do you have an individual insurance plan?  What are the pros and cons for you?

Some have asked privately and publicly about how we found out that we would need IVF to have a baby.

I was on birth control for about 2-3 years before I finally ditched it.  There were too many side effects such as weight gain, increased acne and irregular periods.  I was switching brands every 4 months and I got sick of it.

After we got married I decided to take my chances and go off birth control completely.  We weren’t trying to have a baby but we also weren’t actively preventing it either.  Looking back that was pretty bold because we certainly weren’t ready for a child then.

My GYN is a very well known (Washingtonian Top Doctors of 2010) fertility specialist in the DC area.  Highly respected with killer humor he always seemed to get snarky with me about not being on birth control even though I was married.  He suspected something was wrong in 2008 but I ignored his request to delve deeper into the situation.

2009 came, had my regular Pap smear and check up and he brought it up again.  I wasn’t trying to hear it because we were no trying to have kids yet and so it didn’t matter to me.

2010 came and he finally says “look, we can continue to pretend like nothing’s wrong but something’s wrong and we can continue pretending or we can have an honest discussion“.  So we had “the talk”.  Mind you this guy reminds me A LOT of my own father so talking about sex with him was weird, yes even though he’s had a speculum up my vaginal canal more times than I care to discuss.

After some routine questioning he determined that it was the perfect time to check me for ovulation (sonogram and blood work) and other things.  I won’t go into specific details here just to maintain some semblance of privacy but basically after a slew of tests over 3 weeks the results were that we would have some difficulty in conceiving naturally.

I’ve known this deep down for a while and so has my mom and I’m for the most part OK with it.  Over the years I’ve gotten to know several women who have gone through the process and Im not daunted by it since I pretty much know what to expect.  The most frustrating part though, has been looking at financing options since it’s another bill, a big one that I need to wrap my mind around.  I had no idea it cost so much for one IVF cycle.  Then there’s the whole feeling like everything I’ve done so far in life is to be ready for this time in my life.

For those that have known me for some time, no it has nothing to do with the fact that I waited and I have no regrets about waiting 5 years to have a child.  It needed to be right for us and not when everyone else wanted us to get pregnant.  I’ve ranted several times about family members asking intrusive questions before and now I remember back in 2008 when my husband’s uncle pulled us aside and asked if something was wrong.

I guess he was right

Recently, my husband and I decided it was time for us to get started on expanding our family.  However as the title of the post implies, we’ll have some difficulty doing so naturally.  Today I set out to find more information on insurance plans that cover infertility since my husband’s employer does not cover treatment at this time.

I’m a little sad, because of the possibility of this situation being harder than I imagined.  After all I’ve read numerous infertility blogs over the years to understand the pain the women go through when trying to conceive.  And, I would be lying if I didn’t admit to thinking “what if we had children right after we got married?”  But I know better, I’ve enjoyed the last 5 years together kid free.  Seriously.  LOL

So where do we go from here?

Employer/Group Insurance Plan

Well his insurance doesn’t cover treatment, something about only covering medically necessary procedures so I guess trying to have a baby with faulty plumbing doesn’t count.  The head of HR from hubby’s job said that at this time they don’t offer such a plan and there isn’t the possibility of adding on a supplemental plan either.  So there’s that.

I could have joined my previous employer’s plan that covered treatment earlier this year but I had no intention of continuing with them past September and since we won’t try until next year….well you get my point.

That said,  I had my new job lined up from earlier this year (unbeknownst to my last employer) and I believe their health insurance benefits cover fertility treatments but with the open season coming up there and my new hire status I should know something soon.

Private/Individual Plans

We are still looking into this option but so far that is a no go.  Something about pre-existing conditions which I’d thought was covered with the new ObamaCare (again excuse my sarcasm) but apparently not.  I really haven’t researched this fully so forgive my ignorance.

Self-Pay

This seems to be the most promising option which will cost us around $12,000 if we go with Shady Grove Fertility.  I do need to get back with my GYN, who is also a fertility specialist to find out the total cost with his shop as I would prefer to go through this process with them since we have an established relationship.  Since we don’t want to start trying until late Summer 2011 we will exhaust all other options until then and if necessary drop the $12k needed.  At which point, we will go for twins  This is a one time deal and the shop will be locked after this experience.

Financing

Of course, the fertility clinic pushed their financing options on us but I am not open to financing  $12k at this time.  I would rather pull the money from savings or create a separate savings fund for it.  Sure it means we could start IVF cycles sooner but I am really not trying to get into more debt trying to have a baby.

I think that’s it for now.  I need to go sit in a corner some where and process all of this.   Of course, some of my questions revolve around the lack of insurance options and how do everyday people pay for this since I see so many women going through what seems like multiple cycles.

If you have any information or resources to share, please do, I’d be happy to look them over

If you’re lusting after the Louis Vuitton Graffiti collection, perk up!

The guys and gals over at the Journal of Marketing conducted a study where they surveyed malls in California and came up with the following:

“A significant segment of the population does not want to be branded, preferring to be understated… and is willing to pay a premium to have ‘quiet’ goods without a brand mark.”

I mean seriously?  Who wants to be a walking billboard for a major brand?  And I just paid them to do it?  They could have just asked me.

The article also mentions:

“high-end shoppers are more in tune with “discreet markers, such as distinctive design or detailing,” than obvious brand logos….they also find that “luxury brands charge more for ‘quieter’ items with subtle logo placement and discreet appeal.”

So which one are you?  The researchers came up with the following labels for different classes of consumers:

- Patricians: “Wealthy consumers low in need for status” who “pay a premium for quiet goods, products that only their fellow patricians can recognize”

– Parvenus: “Wealthy consumers high in need for status” who “use loud luxury goods to signal to the less affluent that they are not one of them”

– Poseurs: Consumers who “emulate those who they recognize to be wealthy;” they cannot afford luxury goods but will buy counterfeit items.

- Proletarians: Consumer who are not driven by status purchases.

I’ll admit while I am not wealthy, I am a combination of Patricians and Proletarians.  I don’t buy stuff with labels all over it.  #WeOffThat I remember getting my first Louis Vuitton Speedy in high school, then the LV messenger bag in college along with another Fendi bag after graduation.  You couldn’t tell me nothin!  I was all that and then some!

Then I came down to earth in adulthood and realized that I was paying someone else to advertise their brand so I let that go a few years back.  Nowadays I don’t wear my LV bags and don’t know when I last wore them.  But I do like quality with a good price so I mix high end and low end stuff all the time.  I will shop at Lulus.com for trendy summer stuff but at higher end stores for timeless winter and career pieces.

Sorry, I can’t buy a long lasting sheath dress at Forever 21 but if they carried one I’d be on it.  I am also a Nine West girl because their shoes fit my narrow feet so well, no Jimmy Choos here LOL  Still, I admit to liking some high end brands, I just don’t like the branding all over it, major turn off for me.

Who are you in that list?  Be honest!

Some of you have asked, what are some of the reasons why we waited “so long” to have a baby.  I wasn’t clear that 4 years was long but I will indulge because Im comfy sharing this part of my life with you.  Now.

It really comes down to fear.  Growing up I lived a good part of my life watching my parents just out of control while raising me.  My mom was young at 19 years old and my dad was 20 years her senior but he was more of a stabilizer with his own issues as well.  As an adult I swore to never make the same mistakes they did, and, that in a nutshell is what has stopped me from jumping head first into motherhood.  It goes a lil deeper than that but that’s what Im OK with sharing on here for now.

Details?

Marriage

I wanted to have more time with hubby after we got married.   We had sort of a world wind courtship and engagement.  We met in August of 2004, engaged by May 2005 and married in July 2006.  And, Im totally OK with that time line.  Still, I just wanted us to have time together to get to know each other as a married couple with no children, traveling when we want doing as we please with no strings.

Of course, during that time we went through some hard times getting adjusted to each other being married and all.  They were tough times but we made it through.  So, now our marriage feels like one long honeymoon and it’s great!  I almost don’t want it to stop, kinda like a kid who doesn’t want to go to sleep, Im happy leaving the lights on LOL  But seriously, I wanted us to just wait and experience each other, especially now looking back, we learned so much about marriage and sticking things out when you both feel like quitting #realtalk.  I wouldn’t change anything about how we got together.  It happened.  We’re fine.

Finances

Childcare is my biggest gripe in this area.  Figuratively and literally.  In our development the daycare is $1600 per month for a newborn.  Do you know what I can do with $1600?  That’s roughly $20k added to our savings yearly.  But I also don’t plan to just drop the kid off at pookie n them for the sake of cheap childcare either so this is a huge issue for me.  Some of you know that I work in child welfare and the horror stories I hear and investigate daily are enough for me to quit my job and stay home myself.  We can and will have to afford $1600 but if we do that then I do and would prefer a live-in nanny at that rate.  It also means cutting back on a few things so there’s that as well.

There’s also the consideration of my staying home and financially losing one income.  While hubby can support us on his income just fine, that does mean less contribution to the 401k and savings so that’s another issue we have to work out.  We’re looking into a financial planner to help us out with this one because honestly, I need a professional to help wrap my mind around the financial changes we will experience.  I’m totally being a drama queen, *nodding head* I know.

Demons/Fears

This has moreso to do with the way I was raised and a few family dynamics that I’ve worked on moving past over the years.  I have to say that my husband and his family have been instrumental in this area.  I caught myself just totally praying, thanking God that I have such an awesome guy that I can call my husband that comes along with an equally awesome family.  God knew just what I needed in a husband to speak to and heal this area of my life.  Don’t get me wrong we aren’t the Brady Bunch, but all aside, they’ve shown me that motherhood is great, possible and not some intangible thing that I could never have in it’s purest form because of my upbringing.

As I said earlier, my mom was young and my dad a rolling stone, though he did a fine job of being there for me emotionally and financially.  I guess there are things that happen when you become a mom at such a young age that as a child you experience and never quite get over, vow never to happen to you/your own children or you just jump head first disregarding all that stuff.  I’m in the middle vowing never for that to happen to me (you may recall the frenzied, regretful mess in my previous post) because I want to be settled and “complete” when all of that happens.  I don’t want to feel like my mother did, 19 with regrets, but there’s a baby…me…to consider…that holds you back.

Soooo, I know that is what’s contributed to my resistance to pull the trigger on this one because I know what it’s like to be the child on the receiving end of a mother who wasn’t quite ready for my arrival.  Now, this isn’t some rant against my mom.  We have and continue to learn how to mend our differences over the years as I am coming into the realization that she did the best she could with the tools she had at the time.  I just need to do better.

So I am and with that comes me taking baby steps since getting married.  I have been OK with that but for others they equate getting a  baby out of me like pulling teeth at the dentist.  That’s OK because as always I like it done my way and it’s worked well so far. <snicker>

Yes, I said it, I want to have a baby.  Sadly, I don’t think my family believes this to be true.  Right now, we’re on our annual vacation where close to 40 of us get together on a trip somewhere in the Caribbean.  Actually, two groups, B.I.G and I.T.S.  They are both investment groups where the women are I.T.S and the guys are B.I.G so we get together yearly to hang out, catch up, celebrate and relax.

My husband and I are the only couple, that don’t have children.  We are also the youngest at 30 and 35.  And, having been married for 4 years with a house, finished with graduate school and pretty much established in our respective fields, for them we need to have a bun in the oven, and soon.

I’ve written about this before, but this time Im not all that annoyed by the incessant questions around why we don’t have children yet.  I fully realize that having turned 30 this year, no matter how much I want to flirt with Mother Nature, I need to pi$$ or get off the pot.  #RealTalk  But this year’s trip instead of being annoyed by the questions, Ive decided to use this time to talk to the other couples who jumped right in as most in our group did.  One thing you need to know about me, my success in life is largely attributed to noting the mistakes and failures of others and avoiding that path. So if I can figure out their struggles, maybe I can get a cheat sheet or heads up?  Just sayin.

Motherhood …. is a tricky subject for me as I admit to struggling with my own demons around this issue, but I am at a point where I see the light and know that everything will be just fine.  I will adjust to the identity shift, the baby weight will come off and I will be sure to get an epidural as soon as I am wheeled into the hospital. @msjetsetter, I am no trooper in this department.

All vain issues aside, one of these light bulb moments came when I fully realized that I can’t plan motherhood the way I did marriage and graduate school, after all life does happen.  So I need to have faith that my journey to motherhood won’t leave me a regretful and frenzied mess.  I’m almost there.

So as hubby and I talk about a timeline as to when we will actually start trying to have a kid (nothing in place to stop it now, so that’s a start right?), we really need to figure out how this will all unfold.  I am planning to go back to school either this or next year so once my rotations start I will need to figure out the whole pregnancy and time off thing and how that will work in my program.

Yes, this is me trying to plan it all over again but it works. I don’t care if I can’t plan what happens after the baby, but I do need to plan the arrival of the baby so that I won’t feel so out of control.  It’s my last bit attempt at controlling the very last thing I can before the baby gets here.  At this point we are looking at starting to try next summer in time for delivery early spring 2012.  There’s also finances that goes into this as well, seriously, am I ready to come off $1200-$1600 per month for childcare?  That’s another post. #selfishrant

So there.  I.T.S. and B.I.G. I do want a baby.  This post is dedicated to Watson who for the second year in a row has told me to surrender to my marriage and just have a baby because he wants to see me pregnant LOL  But seriously, he and his wife have totally inspired my husband and I in this area.  Totally superhuman on autopilot and I love their approach towards life.

Maybe one day Priscilla, Watson’s wife will do a guest post on how she does it all: 4 children (1 special needs), hubby, FT job, professor and finishing up a doctoral program in nursing.  I do look at her (and the women in I.T.S) and think if they can do it, then I have nothing to fear.

Thank you ladies for being an absolute inspiration in motherhood, marriage and money.  This trip usually rakes my nerves because I do hate the “bun in the oven yet?” questions but this year talking to you gals helped me figure some things out and set me on my way   Thanks!

If you’ve been reading this blog for some time then you know that I am truly on a  quest to “have it all”.  I want the man, the house, kids, degree and picket fence all by 30, and I got started at 26.

But is this possible?  More importantly, necessary?

My take is that we’re growing up in a generation where women have the opportunity to garner far more accomplishments than their mothers and frankly this is exciting.  We’re going to college at a rate higher than men and going on to the labor force in increasing rates than in previous generations.

But at what expense?

Personally?  I am at a point where Im married, own a home, have the degree, puppy on the way and an awesome career that I love.  But at 29 it means that my clock is ticking even louder with the prospects of applying to a doctoral program which means delaying children for a few more years and continue to build my career in the mean time.  

I often vacillate between telling my husband we should get started now on children and let the chips fall as they may or just plan for 2-3 years from now once I feel I am more settled in my career.  I admit, to secretly resenting that I need to consider so much of my career when planning children.  I keep thinking about the right time and I have no idea (well I do) as to when that will be.

So after doing some reading and talking with other moms who had to contend with this decision they gave me this advice: (aside: understand I am no fly by the seat of your pants kinda gal so all this planning serves a purpose)

Temper Expectations:  You can have it all but within moderation.  Temper your expectations based on your own abilities not literally having it all because with that comes doing it all which is never fun unless you’re an Alpa Mom.

Plan, Plan, Plan:  If you’re career is important to you then plan as best as you can but do so knowing that children don’t come with a manual, index or table of contents.  Life sorta just happens that way when you have children so while you can plan for certain logistical issues lie childcare and school, there are other issues that may arise that you cannot.

Define What Success Means For You:  Notions of having it all without further examination conjures up images of a fabulous career, perfect husband and children, house/backyard/picket fence in a desirable neighborhood and an array of supportive friends and family.  The reality is that it all comes at a price as life isn’t perfect.  You may have a great career but work upwards of 60 hours a week, while managing marital problems and children who may be struggling in school with academic and behavioral issues meanwhile the mortgage is due and you’re worried about making this month’s payment.  

So you see, you can have it all but at what price?  

What is acceptable to you?  Is it maybe working less hours to have enough time for your spouse and children?  Is it having the time to focus on a new business venture which will bring in another stream of income?  This is all on your terms, define it for yourself, not based on societal expectations or the newest ad running in Vanity Fair or Real Simple.  In short?  Give up the idea that “having it all” is only attainable based upon societal definitions, define what it means to you and then work backwards to get there.

Manage The Unexpected Expectation Hangovers:  Expectation Hangovers is a term coined by Christine Hassler which means:

“group of undesirable feelings that arise when a desired result isn’t met.” Simply, things don’t turn out the way you planned and you are experiencing symptoms that are as miserable as those from a hangover from alcohol (lethargy, depression, regret, and so on).”

For example, right now my goal for the next five years is to get accepted to a doctoral program, have our first child and begin my career as a psychologist.  If that doesn’t happen then what?  I could still have a great career where I am right now because Im learning to enjoy each and every moment now instead of looking to the future for my happiness.  

Barring any issues with infertility, we expect to have children so I don’t foresee a problem there.  The lesson?  Manage your expectations so that no matter what happens you’ll be happy no matter where you are in life.  

What does having it all mean to you and how do you plan to get there?

(Image: Ms. Magazine)

How many times have we thought about this?  Self imposed (sometimes socially) time lines on motherhood, career, education and marriage?

I’ve always believed that women can have it all.  Still do, just in staggered moderation.  Lately, I have to admit though, going through my own struggles with this as I want it all and pretty determined t get it.

What does having it all mean to you?  Do you have it?  Are you content with where you are now in life?

To answer my own questions, I am for the most part content with my life as I’m in a pretty good place.  I admit to being a career driven woman who has her sights set on high, knowing that I can’t fail.  It’s a pretty strong drive right now and I just need to get certain things out of my system.  This of course, is the source of my indecision around starting a family.  Part of it has to do with my own issues around becoming a mother, the identity shift and timing ie becoming resentful around giving up my peak earning potential to have a baby.

Having it all in my world means a change in all of the above:

• Giving up on old childhood stuff and really moving forward to becoming the mother I want to be.
• The identity shift from being career driven, foot loose and fancy free to being a mom where my sole focus might become my child.  Not sure Im ready or how I’d feel about that.
• Giving up my peak earning and career potential to have a child.

It would seem that these are all things I would just have to let go huh?  I’m a control freak so I’m not sure how that’ll go down LOL

But, I might be on to something…ha!

What do you think?  Do you think in order to have it all I have to give up and accept the above mentioned?  Do you think having it all is a myth?

Thanks for tuning into my own brand of self imposed neurosis around this issue.  Parts 2 and 3 to come this week.