Girls Just Wanna Have Funds » couples

Fighting Fair about Finances: How do you measure up?

Ginger — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 10:00:29 +0000

This is a guest-post I submitted to Millionaire Mommy Next Door with a few changes.

In an earlier post I asked, What do you fight about more? Based on your responses, money and sex are at the top of the list. However, regardless of the issue you should be fighting fair. How do you measure up? Are you calm and logical or is it knock down drag out all night until one of you has the last word?

***********First things first***********

Calm down. According to Real Simple:

When you are in an emotional state, access to the portion of the brain that accesses logical reasoning is inhibited and you lose 15 IQ points. Calm down and resume a productive conversation 20 minutes or more later.

Practice Active Listening

Practice active listening with your partner and they will feel as if their concerns are heard and addressed. Even if you don’t agree with them, it makes a world of difference. Both of you will feel as though you’re actually hearing the other person instead of responding based on emotion and talking at them.

Stick To The Facts
What is the core issue? Was the mortgage paid on time? Why not? Lay out the facts sans insults or emotionally charged statements and make a plan to resolve it.

Talk About Your Feelings in a Constructive Manner
How did it make you feel when you realized the mortgage payment wasn’t made on time? Speak to that truth and steer away from unnecessary insults as they are unproductive and inflammatory.

You: Honey, I’m really concerned about how we manage our finances. I was really angry when I found out that the mortgage payment was 30 days late this month. This will have a negative effect on our credit rating, how can we fix this?

Here, you’re letting your partner know how you feel in a constructive manner and opening up the dialogue for a solution. They are less likely to feel attacked and will hear what you’re saying (active listening: you’re concerned and want a solution on how to effectively manage paying bills on time).

Him: I am so sorry about the mortgage being late, I know that you’re concerned and we’ll fix it. The car needing a new transmission and the boiler breaking last week really caught me by surprise because we hadn’t planned for these emergencies. Let’s sit down and talk about building an emergency fund just in case something like this happens again.

Your partner is being apologetic and addresses your feelings while realizing the need for a plan to have a solid emergency fund. Transmissions and boilers are EXPENSIVE!

How the conversation shouldn’t happen:

(Photo: Spontaneous Flower )

You: What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you pay any bills on time? Dammit, I trusted you to take care of our household finances and you’re f***ing it up! Now our credit is jacked up because we’re 30 days late!

Him: Well if you’d taken the car for a tune up and scheduled the boiler repair 6 months ago instead of taking off with your girlfriends we wouldn’t be in this situation! You and your damn shopping sprees leaves us with no money at the end of the month. This month the transmission breaks and so did the boiler. Don’t blame me you shopaholic wench!

I don’t need to explain this do I? This isn’t fighting fair ladies and gentlemen. No one is being heard and they are just wailing insults back and firth with no solution in sight.

Set up a Unifying Plan

This is a plan that encompasses both partner’s views on how the issue should be handled. Try to meet each other in the middle so as to not feel like one person isn’t being heard.

This isn’t to say that we won’t mess up and let loose a few insults but the key is knowing how to move past it, and now you know how.

Do you fight fair? Have you had low moments in a fight? How did you rebound?

The Smart Woman’s Guide for the Soon to be Divorced

Ginger — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 10:00:10 +0000

What do Juanita Jordan, Halle Berry and Sheila Johnson all have in common?

All three came out on top in their respective divorce proceedings. If you’ve been under a rock and aren’t familiar with the final decisions, Juanita Jordan was paid $168 million dollars when all was said and done. You read right, $168 million dollars. After Sheila Johnson’s divorce was finalized she walked away with $670M after taxes, which several published sources report she has successfully parlayed into a portfolio in excess of one billion dollars. Due to Halle Berry’s iron clad prenup, she avoided having to support Eric Benet in their divorce.

Are you in a situation where you’re soon to be divorced? I won’t play therapist in this post but if you’ve made up your mind but there are some things to consider. I hate to entertain this line of thought but the reality is that everyone won’t live happily ever after and we need to protect ourselves and our ASSets in the event divorce is a reality.

Straightening out your Finances

Gather all of your important financial papers and purchase a lock box if you haven’t already done so. Secure’ all important papers such as birth certificates, passports, retirement papers, bills, bank statements, tax returns and the like. You can also find more information about separating your finances here along with other solid divorce resource information.

Make sure that all major financial accounts, read savings accounts are in both of your names. Many women have been screwed by their partners due to not insisting that both their names be on all major savings accounts.

Start saving for the financial cost of the divorce. If you are able to remain in the situation and save money for the financial cost of the divorce then do so. As you will soon discover, divorces are expensive and will take its toll on you both financially and emotionally. Prepare for this by saving your money even more during this time. You will need to consider that you don’t have your spouse’s income anymore and will need to stand on your own financially and hire your own attorney which will be expensive.

If you’re a stay at home mom/wife then now is the time to consider getting back into your career or perhaps beginning your career. Again you will need to be able to stand on your feet financially independent of your husband and create/restart your identity financially, professionally and personally.

Iowa State University lists the following financial responsibilities

1. Gathering information
â€¢ Keeps legal bills down
â€¢ Helps you learn family finances
â€¢ Prepares you for financial decisions

2. Negotiating property division
â€¢ Calls for equitable distribution
â€¢ Requires determining needs
â€¢ Includes income tax consequences
â€¢ Involves legal issues
3. Managing debt
â€¢ Calls for prompt action
â€¢ Requires listing unpaid balances
â€¢ Affects your credit rating

Are there children involved?

If so then start to prepare them for the reality of a possible divorce. Maintain an open dialogue with them and be especially open to processing any feelings they may be feeling such as anxiety and depression. Indicators may lie in falling grades, changes in behavior at school and loss of motivation for activities they were once heavily involved in.

I know that as adults its easier to assume we know how children feel, but we don’t unless we pay close attention, please include your children’s feelings during this time in every decision you make. And please, for their sake and in order to maintain their respect moving forward, please don’t unload your ill feelings about your soon to be ex on them. They are children, let them have a choice in the matter. I won’t detail the many cases in which children are torn apart because of the selfishness of their parents during a divorce.

Take the high and responsible road. You know where it is, don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

Take Care of Yourself

It’s probably best to start seeing a therapist, if nothing else for the purpose of having someone to confide in and make sure that you’re remaining psychologically and emotionally healthy as divorce can and will take its toll on you. You can often reduce the cost of this by seeing someone on your health care network, EAP-Employee Assistance Program or through your local church. If the idea of talking to a counselor doesn’t suit you then find another confidant, someone you trust who will listen to you as you open your heart about the ongoing process of separating yourself from your partner. Please don’t underestimate the toll this process can have on your mind and body, take care of yourself during this time.

Sex? Money? What do you fight about more?

Ginger — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 10:00:53 +0000

CNN asked, so I’m asking, what do you fight about more?

photo credit: ganessas

Guest Post on Consumerism Commentary

Ginger — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:29:50 +0000

Check out my guest post on Consumerism Commentary: Smart Women Marry for Money, and Hereâ€™s Why.

I think this post has sparked some interesting and expected commentary which I will elaborate on later. Until then, feel free to go on over and check it out!

Thanks to Flexo for allowing me to guest post on the site, I really do appreciate it!

Personal Finance Tips For Newlyweds-Part 2

Ginger — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 10:00:09 +0000

Part one is here at The Frugal Law Student.

Brett wrote an awesome post about Personal Finance Tips for Newlyweds and I wanted to add a few more to the list. Believe it or not this was one of the more challenging issues when we got married. Since I was always reading the Suze Orman books and talking about what we should be doing I thought it natural that I would be the head of personal finance in our house. Not so said the man. I laugh now but it was a huge deal back then. Our biggest issues were *drumroll* whoâ€™s name goes on the checkbook, which bank to use and whether or not we would merge accounts. Husband didnâ€™t like the idea of getting an â€œallowanceâ€, which we have now termed â€œplay moneyâ€. *Snicker*. I didnâ€™t change my name and I wanted to use my credit union since every loan/account I have has been with them. Merging accounts and giving an â€œallowanceâ€ / â€play moneyâ€ brought up issues around control for both of us. Lots of male macho psychology going on there but we eventually worked it out.

I share this only to show you that personal finance is deeply mired issue for all of us which is further complicated when you get married. But itâ€™ll be ok, all is not lost. You CAN work it out! You donâ€™t need to agree on everything but you do need to have to be on the same page regarding your goals.

Here are my additions:

Discuss the minor things like name on the checkbook before you get married. Again, this was a huge issue for us because I did not change my name. This affects merging accounts and all around issues of maintaining individuality vs. simplicity. The latter because I like to have all accounts in front of me when reviewing finances as I do in Mint.

Discuss who will actually manage the money? Both? You? Him? Why? Who is actually more vested in the personal finances of your marriage? Huge responsibility.

See/Discuss the credit history before you marry so you know what youâ€™re getting into. I helped hubby erase 14 out of 17 bad debts through the Myfico dispute process so that when we were getting qualified for a house we were in the clear. One of the main issues that contribute to the divorce rate is money. And having an understanding about how your partner approaches debt/credit is helpful and believe it or not translates to how they approach other aspects of their lives.

Discuss when youâ€™re going to purchase a home. How much to put down? Heck, WILL you purchase a home? Thatâ€™s up for grabs these days.

What are your personal philosophies towards paying bills? You would be surprised how this differs. One likes to pay on the due date, the other faithfully pays 2 weeks before the due date.

Will you pay for your childâ€™s education? This is an ongoing debate in our house. I don’t plan to pay for it and Im ok with that but he does so we havenâ€™t come to a final decision yet. You can get a loan for college but you canâ€™t get one for retirement. Nuff Said.

Of course none of this is groundbreaking, but if you’re a newlywed and struggling with how to get on the same page, hopefully, these will help you get on the way.

photo credit: jstick80

Women and Money: What does it mean to you?

Ginger — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 12:00:57 +0000

Growing up my dad always drilled into me that I value money and money does not value me. Now that I am older, I see the wisdom in his words. Sure, Uncle Sam puts a value on me based on my income and net worth but at the core of who I am, I make the call as to what money means to me through my actions. Is it a means to an end? Does it mean security or a way to build self esteem? These are all questions we should ask ourselves.

We are told from a young age that we are to let the men in our lives handle everything, and this includes the area of personal finance. I am sure if we were to poll men and women; men got more personal finance lessons than we did growing up. That’s because they were/are expected to be head of the household, bread winners, make, count and spend the money and we we’re taught to let them handle all money matters.

Bankrate confirms this in their article “Men and women spend and save differently”:

“From birth, American women and men are raised to view and spend money quite differently. Our socialization, a trained behavior, is primarily modeled after our same-sex parent. While experts agree these generalizations are breaking down, here’s the money paradigm most of us have been dealt:

“Women, trained to nurture and seek acceptance, view money as a means to create a lifestyle. Women spend on things that enhance day-to-day living. Theirs is a now-money orientation.

Â· Men, trained to fix and provide, view money as a means to capture and accumulate value. Men don’t spend, they invest. Men don’t want something, they need it. Theirs is a future-money orientation.”

Many women get married never having that conversation with their husbands or partners about money. This has perhaps led to a revolution of sorts around women being more knowledgeable about the household finances.

What’s your relationship with money? What were you taught about it growing up?

Think about it.

Do you know your net worth?

Do you know the total dollar amount of your debts vs. assets?

Have you seen your latest 401k statement?

Where are your important financial records?

Who oversees the finances in your household?

What were you taught about these questions growing up or are you only recently considering these questions with the advent of Suze Orman, David Bach and the like?

Itâ€™s ok if you don’t know the answers to these questions, they were meant to be thought provoking and inspire action. Get your financial house in order and donâ€™t wait for a tragedy or someone else to do it for you. Research and ask questions, the only stupid question is the one NOT being asked.

Who Buys the Milk?

Ginger — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 16:37:00 +0000

We’ve all see the same Judge Joe Brown or Judge Judy case where the ex takes the other to court about financial disputes including but not limited to bank fees, credit card bills, rent, personal loans and the like. So what’s a newly shacked couple to do? Do they discuss the possible breakup now or do they jump in head first?

According to MSN Money:

The No. 1 hazard of living together is that it offers almost none of the financial or legal protection that marriage does… As unromantic as it sounds, most experts on the unmarried state advise those of us contemplating it to make some kind of contract, even an informal cohabitation agreement, that will protect each person’s assets and document key expectations.

Sounds harsh but with so many couples finding themselves in small claims court, it is often best to get whatever financial agreements you have in writing. The reality is that the love you feel now, will not be there should the relationship fall apart.Â

Protect yourself.

Sit down and have a frank discussion about your finances with your significant other Decide who will pay the bills and split them in half to be equitable in the distribution. Or decide that each will pay based on their income. This opens the dialogue for expectations about who will pay what at the end of the month. Here are a few tips on how to get started:

The Talk
- Start by talking to your significant other about their attitudes towards money. This can include their saving and spending habits? Are they paying their monthly obligations on time? Are they behind on anything? You really don’t want to cosign on a loan with your significant other if they are in collections for $54.

Fair Share
- Decide how you want to split the bills. Will you split it down the middle (half) or will you one person pay a portion based on how much they make? Make sure that whatever you decide is fair for both sides as this can cause a rift if one is carrying most of the burden. Divide your expenses in proportion to your income.

Emergencies
- How will you handle emergencies? Will you have a separate emergency fund? Credit cards? Tap the 401k? These are all things that should be discussed prior to an emergency.

Separate Accounts
- Keep separate accounts. This keeps the paper trail clean around who pays what over the course of the month. Write this down so that there is no confusion about who’s responsibility it is to pay the gas bill.

Personal finance is just that personal, and brings along with it deep rooted values about money. It is best to get that out in the open and discuss attitudes towards money early on. Spend time discussing the above mentioned with your significant other to avoid issues that may come up later. And ladies, if this is something you are unable to talk with your SO about then perhaps you should rethink the move.

Girls Just Wanna Have Funds » couples

Fighting Fair about Finances: How do you measure up?

Most Popular Posts

The Smart Woman’s Guide for the Soon to be Divorced

Most Popular Posts

Sex? Money? What do you fight about more?

Most Popular Posts

Guest Post on Consumerism Commentary

Most Popular Posts

Personal Finance Tips For Newlyweds-Part 2

Most Popular Posts

Women and Money: What does it mean to you?

Most Popular Posts

Who Buys the Milk?

Most Popular Posts