For the last two weeks I’ve been dealing with a situation which required me to intervene with a couple with regard to their finances.  To say that this has been the most frustrating two weeks of my life is an understatement.  Sleepless nights.  Crazy emails back and forth.  One hand not knowing what the other is doing.  Just pure madness if you ask me.  I tend to take on my friends’ emotions so it was hard for me to listen to both sides while helping them manage the emotional and financial impact of their issues.

While I understand how difficult it can be to hammer out differences when your financial values aren’t aligned, only now did I begin to understand how it goes down in other relationships.

The couple never communicated in their almost 10 years of marriage about how they wanted to handle their money-together or apart.   Here’s a snapshot of their issues:

• The wife feels they should have everything together but the husband has always maintained separate accounts.
• The husband has no sincere interest in managing the money, just wants it deposited the rest should take care of itself. o_O
• The wife lacks some integrity in her financial dealings while the husband is opposite in this regard, still he just doesnt want to deal with it all.
• They don’t talk about how bills should be paid.  They just haphazardly get paid with little thought about how things should be done.

Do you see a common theme?

Lack of communication.

And, being in the middle of it all I wanted to rip my hair out.

As we move towards the end of this debacle, only now are they starting to learn how to communicate about money in their relationship.

As a result they’ve realized the following:

1.  Communicate early and be honest about your feelings towards money management in a marriage.  I don’t really believe in separate accounts but it works for some people.

2.  Do some introspection about how your values clash with those of your spouse/partner’s values and discuss in detail.  It may not take one conversation so be prepared for several.

3.  Understand your weaknesses.  If you realize that your spouse is weak in one area then work to balance and support them if possible.  For example, if your partner has no interest in daily money management then you must learn how.  Bills have to get paid.

One other interesting point is that while the wife usually manages the money and she prefers it this way, she was really pissed that her husband had no interest in the finances.  And, on some level I can relate to her frustration.  My husband is the same way.  He only cares about making the money, managing the minutia of our personal finances isn’t one of his strong points, though he manages millions in his day job.

And it took me a good long while to accept this fact.  I like the control I have, he gives me carte blanche, but when I don’t feel like doing it he doesn’t automatically pick it up.  I have to task him in this area to get it done.

When the wife was enraged that her hubby dropped the ball on a few things, I welcomed her to the club LOL

Still, we were able to talk about how to engage him in a way that made him comfortable.  I suggested that perhaps tasking him with minor things might work.  For instance, if I am overwhelmed, there are times when I will create a list of things for my hubby to do as it relates to our money.  And he gets it done.  But if it’s something long term and consistent then he might forget.  And since I am the money nazi in our relationship (checking balances daily, categorizing transactions in Yodlee weekly, reviewing the budget monthly), I’ve learned to focus on how my strengths compliment his weaknesses.

I hope this was informative for you as it was for me.  Having this much up close and personal involvement in someone else’s finances truly helped me realize that personal finances, is really just that –> personal.

How many times have we thought about this?  Self imposed (sometimes socially) time lines on motherhood, career, education and marriage?

I’ve always believed that women can have it all.  Still do, just in staggered moderation.  Lately, I have to admit though, going through my own struggles with this as I want it all and pretty determined t get it.

What does having it all mean to you?  Do you have it?  Are you content with where you are now in life?

To answer my own questions, I am for the most part content with my life as I’m in a pretty good place.  I admit to being a career driven woman who has her sights set on high, knowing that I can’t fail.  It’s a pretty strong drive right now and I just need to get certain things out of my system.  This of course, is the source of my indecision around starting a family.  Part of it has to do with my own issues around becoming a mother, the identity shift and timing ie becoming resentful around giving up my peak earning potential to have a baby.

Having it all in my world means a change in all of the above:

• Giving up on old childhood stuff and really moving forward to becoming the mother I want to be.
• The identity shift from being career driven, foot loose and fancy free to being a mom where my sole focus might become my child.  Not sure Im ready or how I’d feel about that.
• Giving up my peak earning and career potential to have a child.

It would seem that these are all things I would just have to let go huh?  I’m a control freak so I’m not sure how that’ll go down LOL

But, I might be on to something…ha!

What do you think?  Do you think in order to have it all I have to give up and accept the above mentioned?  Do you think having it all is a myth?

Thanks for tuning into my own brand of self imposed neurosis around this issue.  Parts 2 and 3 to come this week.

Totally provocative and tongue in cheek, but you get the underlying message. Choose your partners wisely.

I am not suggesting that women marry solely for money, I am after all a believer in love and commitment as a solid foundation for marriage. However, I am suggesting that women  marry partners that are financially savvy. I will detail the benefits of choosing a partner that has a solid financial plan in place and uses money as a tool and not a crutch.

Financially Savvy
Women who choose financially savvy partners fare better than their counterparts who don’t. Why? These women know that in order to have a marriage built to last that finances play a huge role in the viability of the marriage. I know it sounds like we’re discussing a corporate merger but there are elements of marriage that resemble a business.  Think about it, how many people can’t afford to separate because they can’t afford it?  We want financial freedom, well we have to choose a partner who knows what that means.

Personal finance issues are the leading cause of divorce and in order to live happily ever after, you must be on the same page as far as your finances are concerned. No, if, ands or buts about it.

So what makes these women smarter?

Aligned Financial Values
When smart women meet a partner, while wooed by good looks and the smooth talk, they are interested in how their potential partners spend money. Does he have an emergency fund? Is he current on their monthly bills such as the car payment and rent/mortgage? Does he spend more than he earns? They’re listening keenly to understand how their potential mates relate to money. Is it a tool? Is it a crutch? They know the difference and conduct business accordingly. Should the potential mate fall into the category of the above mentioned then it’s time to say good-bye or work out a plan to get him financially fit. After all, who wants a man who isn’t interested in learning how to manage his money effectively? They are in it for the long haul, not a few cheap dates.

Motivated by Money to Create the Life They Want
Smart women are up to date on the latest issues in personal finance. They understand rate chasing, investing for the long haul and understand that while they may have substantial savings, practice and embrace frugality. They look for similar if not the same qualities in their potential mates. Smart women want to be able to relate not only on a romantic level, but also on issues regarding personal finance.

A Man with a Plan
Who wants a man with no financial plan in place? I certainly don’t. Where does he see himself in 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? Is he thinking long or short term? That answer will determine the course of the relationship. Ideally he should be able to think past next month’s car payment and have a financial plan for the current year. This an expectation for smart women, not a hope or a dream, but something they demand and require in a potential mate.

Take a few minutes to let it all sink in. Gone are the days when gold diggers were secretly envied because they were able to go for the gusto and stifle high pitched screams during musty sex with a shriveled up oil tycoon. Smart women can marry for money, and guess what!?  It’s ok!  Move over and make way for women who are in control of their financial destinies and not afraid to say it. They are armed with a positive net worth and not afraid to flaunt it.  They are breaking financial ceilings one stiletto at a time!

Are you a smart woman?®

The significant other of an acquaintance passed away and while I sent my condolences I couldn’t help but wonder how she would move through financially this year.  I kept thinking did he have life insurance?  Were they a two income household?  Did she depend on him to help her with paying the bills?  Of course these things run trough MY mind right?  I am praying that in this economy that she will be OK.

I turned to hubby and asked about our life insurance and I feel we should have more.  We don’t have children or any significant responsibilities so it’s not something I’ve ever really felt compelled to look into outside of what we have now.  But with talks of babies on the horizon and owning a home I want to make sure that we have everything in place.

So what do we get?  Term?  Whole? Universal?  How about the kind where we get some of our money back after a certain time?  Hubby has a medical condition, how will that factor into the monthly cost?  What policy gives us the maximum benefit with minimum monthly installment?  Can life insurance be used for retirement as the policy builds cash value?

Bankrate gives us the rundown here:

Term insurance – The simplest form of insurance. You purchase coverage for a specific price for a specified period. If you die during that time, your beneficiary receives the value of the policy. There is no investment component.

Whole life — Similar to term, but you purchase the policy to cover your “whole life” not just a set period. Premiums remain level throughout the life of the policy, and the company invests at least a portion of your premiums. Some firms share investment proceeds with policyholders in the form of a dividend. Many companies will offer “a relatively low guaranteed rate of return,” but in reality pay at a rate in excess of the guarantee.

Universal life — You decide how much you want to put in over and above a minimum premium. The company chooses the investment vehicle, which is generally restricted to bonds and mortgages. The investment and the returns go into a cash-value account, which you can use against premiums or allow to build. With some policies, sometimes called Type I or Type A, the cash account goes toward the face value of the policy on the death of the policyholder. With a second variety, sometimes called Type II or Type B, the beneficiary receives the face value of the policy plus all or most of the cash account. While Type II is meant to provide a partial hedge against inflation, it demands higher premiums as you get older than Type I.

A variation of a universal policy, often called universal variable life, allows policyholders to choose investment vehicles.

Variable life — With a variable policy, there is usually a wider selection of investment products, including stock funds. As with a universal policy, returns on investments can offset the cost of premiums or build in the account. And depending on the type of policy, the beneficiaries will either receive the face value of the policy or the face value plus all or part of the cash account.

Why should women be concerned?

From New York Life: Many women have either no or too little life insurance. Historically, women were almost never adequately insured. We all have different life situations so what does it mean to us?

• If you’re part of a two-income family: Today, 61 percent of married women bring home a paycheck (compared to just 23 percent in 1950). Husbands and wives are economic partners. Today’s two-income families depend on both pay checks to make ends meet.(Figures for 1995. Source: Washington Post 1/22/97) If anything happened to you — and the income you generate — would your family be able remain in their home? Would your children be able to achieve their education goals? Would your family suffer a severe financial loss? Adequate life insurance can replace your income, remove uncertainty and help guarantee your family’s financial security.
• If you’re a single woman heading a house-hold: Chances are that you have little if any life insurance, according to industry studies — in spite of the fact that you have major financial responsibilities. Of all life insurance policies sold in 1997, only 4 percent were purchased by divorced or widowed women.(“The Women’s Market: Myth & Reality,” LIMRA International, 1999) As a single parent, you may be the sole breadwinner, responsible for the support and care of your children. Your need for life insurance is even more crucial than in dual-parent households, which will have another source of income if one parent dies.
• If you’re a full-time home maker: Far from a dying breed, nearly two out of every five married women are full-time mothers and home makers. This is just as much a partnership as the two-income family in that it takes the efforts of both to make the household function. Your services, while in many respects beyond value, are worth tens of thousands of dollars a year. How would your husband and children manage without you?
• If you’re a single woman: Whether you’re single-never-married or divorced-no-kids-at-home, your need for life insurance may be even greater than for married women. That is because being single isn’t always the same as being without responsibilities. You may have loans. Plus, should anything happen to you, there will be final expenses, which can run into the tens of thousands of dollars. These obligations — which could fall on parents and other loved ones — can be met with life insurance. Just as important, life insurance purchased today can protect your future insurability as you get older. If you eventually marry, your coverage will help protect your husband and, possibly, children. If you choose to remain single, your life insurance can accumulate cash value to help provide a secure retirement for yourself. A cash value life insurance policy can help you accumulate funds on a tax-advantaged basis to supplement your other retirement income.

I’m sure the woman I spoke of at the beginning of this post didn’t think the death of her loved one would happen so soon or suddenly.  Death is never something we want to think about happening to those we love but in our wisdom we should make sure that we’re prepared for it nonetheless.

How likely are you to leave a bad marriage if you have no education or poor career prospects? I realize there may be other factors such as children, years put into the marriage and each party’s willingness to work things out.

But let’s put that aside for the moment.

I have always always said that I wouldn’t want a lack of education or financial viability without my husband to stop me from leaving should things go sour.  While I value the sanctity of marriage, my sanity comes above all else and if it’s bad, I have to go.  God forbid I ever get to a point where I want out, I don’t want my future to be dependent on a random divorce settlement arbitrarily determined by a judge.

If you’ve been keeping up with me on Twitter, then you know I watched the movie This Christmas at least 3 times this weekend LOL  I had no idea it was that good!  But a few scenes caught my eye and I immediately thought of this post because this is a message I want to drive home to women.  Do not let your lack of career prospects or financial viability without your husband stop you from leaving a bad situation.  If this is the case then get in a position where you have options.  This also happens to be the central message of this blog, teaching women how to take charge of their finances so they are able to make decisions not bound by  financial limitations.

Please dont stay in a bad situation because you feel that you can’t make it on your own.

But I realize there are women who feel this way and I’d like to hear from you.  If you are or were in this situation, what drives your decision outside of love and children to stay?  We are having a discussion about this on Twitter so feel free to jump in:

How likely are you to leave a bad marriage if you have no education or poor career prospects? (Read from the bottom up)

	sundaycosmetics @gingerlatte@adonyaWong I have 0 tolerance for anyone who “assumes” I won’t make it. Oh NO The devil is a liar. Feel a sermon comin’ 13 minutes ago from web in reply to Gingerlatte
	sundaycosmetics @Gingerlatte @AdonyaWong That’s right! I learned to pray and STEP real quick. As an entrepreneur/person – I BLOCK the negativity 16 minutes ago from web in reply to Gingerlatte

AdonyaWong @gingerlatte I have friends who stay in unhealthy spots because they think they can’t do any better. Me? Scared or not, I wouldn’t stay. 25 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to Gingerlatte

	tjonsek @gingerlatte i think it does make a diff. espec if they haven’t had a job in awhile. could be terrifying. 32 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to Gingerlatte
	glennette @Gingerlatte Chances r slim 2 none, unless spouse is physical. 33 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to Gingerlatte

	tjonsek @gingerlatte yep. i remember at 1st before education & good job I was married & 2 scared 2 leave. thought i couldn’t take care of myself. 35 minutes ago from TweetDeck in reply to Gingerlatte
	AdonyaWong @Gingerlatte I’ll take the leap of faith for a thousand, Alex! Staying in a crappy marriage/relationship is not an option. 35 minutes ago from web in reply to Gingerlatte

Question?  What advice do you have for women in this predicament?

Check the video. Disclaimer: By the way I do not advocate violence or destruction of property. But it is rather funny! LOL This is for all the Jazmine Sullivans out there:

photo credit: Laenulfean

This is a guest-post I submitted to Millionaire Mommy Next Door with a few changes.

In an earlier post I asked, What do you fight about more? Based on your responses, money and sex are at the top of the list. However, regardless of the issue you should be fighting fair. How do you measure up? Are you calm and logical or is it knock down drag out all night until one of you has the last word?

***********First things first***********

Calm down. According to Real Simple:

When you are in an emotional state, access to the portion of the brain that accesses logical reasoning is inhibited and you lose 15 IQ points. Calm down and resume a productive conversation 20 minutes or more later.

Practice Active Listening

Practice active listening with your partner and they will feel as if their concerns are heard and addressed. Even if you don’t agree with them, it makes a world of difference. Both of you will feel as though you’re actually hearing the other person instead of responding based on emotion and talking at them.

Stick To The Facts
What is the core issue? Was the mortgage paid on time? Why not? Lay out the facts sans insults or emotionally charged statements and make a plan to resolve it.

Talk About Your Feelings in a Constructive Manner
How did it make you feel when you realized the mortgage payment wasn’t made on time? Speak to that truth and steer away from unnecessary insults as they are unproductive and inflammatory.

You: Honey, I’m really concerned about how we manage our finances. I was really angry when I found out that the mortgage payment was 30 days late this month. This will have a negative effect on our credit rating, how can we fix this?

Here, you’re letting your partner know how you feel in a constructive manner and opening up the dialogue for a solution. They are less likely to feel attacked and will hear what you’re saying (active listening: you’re concerned and want a solution on how to effectively manage paying bills on time).

Him: I am so sorry about the mortgage being late, I know that you’re concerned and we’ll fix it. The car needing a new transmission and the boiler breaking last week really caught me by surprise because we hadn’t planned for these emergencies. Let’s sit down and talk about building an emergency fund just in case something like this happens again.

Your partner is being apologetic and addresses your feelings while realizing the need for a plan to have a solid emergency fund. Transmissions and boilers are EXPENSIVE!

How the conversation shouldn’t happen:

(Photo: Spontaneous Flower )

You: What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you pay any bills on time? Dammit, I trusted you to take care of our household finances and you’re f***ing it up! Now our credit is jacked up because we’re 30 days late!

Him: Well if you’d taken the car for a tune up and scheduled the boiler repair 6 months ago instead of taking off with your girlfriends we wouldn’t be in this situation! You and your damn shopping sprees leaves us with no money at the end of the month. This month the transmission breaks and so did the boiler. Don’t blame me you shopaholic wench!

I don’t need to explain this do I? This isn’t fighting fair ladies and gentlemen. No one is being heard and they are just wailing insults back and firth with no solution in sight.

Set up a Unifying Plan

This is a plan that encompasses both partner’s views on how the issue should be handled. Try to meet each other in the middle so as to not feel like one person isn’t being heard.

This isn’t to say that we won’t mess up and let loose a few insults but the key is knowing how to move past it, and now you know how.

Do you fight fair? Have you had low moments in a fight? How did you rebound?

All three came out on top in their respective divorce proceedings. If you’ve been under a rock and aren’t familiar with the final decisions, Juanita Jordan was paid $168 million dollars when all was said and done. You read right, $168 million dollars. After Sheila Johnson’s divorce was finalized she walked away with $670M after taxes, which several published sources report she has successfully parlayed into a portfolio in excess of one billion dollars. Due to Halle Berry’s iron clad prenup, she avoided having to support Eric Benet in their divorce.

Are you in a situation where you’re soon to be divorced? I won’t play therapist in this post but if you’ve made up your mind but there are some things to consider. I hate to entertain this line of thought but the reality is that everyone won’t live happily ever after and we need to protect ourselves and our ASSets in the event divorce is a reality.

Straightening out your Finances

Gather all of your important financial papers and purchase a lock box if you haven’t already done so. Secure’ all important papers such as birth certificates, passports, retirement papers, bills, bank statements, tax returns and the like. You can also find more information about separating your finances here along with other solid divorce resource information.

Make sure that all major financial accounts, read savings accounts are in both of your names. Many women have been screwed by their partners due to not insisting that both their names be on all major savings accounts.

Start saving for the financial cost of the divorce. If you are able to remain in the situation and save money for the financial cost of the divorce then do so. As you will soon discover, divorces are expensive and will take its toll on you both financially and emotionally. Prepare for this by saving your money even more during this time. You will need to consider that you don’t have your spouse’s income anymore and will need to stand on your own financially and hire your own attorney which will be expensive.

If you’re a stay at home mom/wife then now is the time to consider getting back into your career or perhaps beginning your career. Again you will need to be able to stand on your feet financially independent of your husband and create/restart your identity financially, professionally and personally.

Iowa State University lists the following financial responsibilities

1. Gathering information
• Keeps legal bills down
• Helps you learn family finances
• Prepares you for financial decisions

2. Negotiating property division
• Calls for equitable distribution
• Requires determining needs
• Includes income tax consequences
• Involves legal issues
3. Managing debt
• Calls for prompt action
• Requires listing unpaid balances
• Affects your credit rating

Are there children involved?

If so then start to prepare them for the reality of a possible divorce. Maintain an open dialogue with them and be especially open to processing any feelings they may be feeling such as anxiety and depression. Indicators may lie in falling grades, changes in behavior at school and loss of motivation for activities they were once heavily involved in.

I know that as adults its easier to assume we know how children feel, but we don’t unless we pay close attention, please include your children’s feelings during this time in every decision you make. And please, for their sake and in order to maintain their respect moving forward, please don’t unload your ill feelings about your soon to be ex on them. They are children, let them have a choice in the matter. I won’t detail the many cases in which children are torn apart because of the selfishness of their parents during a divorce.

Take the high and responsible road. You know where it is, don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

Take Care of Yourself

It’s probably best to start seeing a therapist, if nothing else for the purpose of having someone to confide in and make sure that you’re remaining psychologically and emotionally healthy as divorce can and will take its toll on you. You can often reduce the cost of this by seeing someone on your health care network, EAP-Employee Assistance Program or through your local church. If the idea of talking to a counselor doesn’t suit you then find another confidant, someone you trust who will listen to you as you open your heart about the ongoing process of separating yourself from your partner. Please don’t underestimate the toll this process can have on your mind and body, take care of yourself during this time.

Read more at:

Womansdivorce.com:

• Legal Considerations For Women
• And Money Considerations
• Marital SeparationChildren’s Issues
• Emotions
• Strategies To Save MoneyDownloadable Documents
• State Resources

DivorceSupport.com

The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide

DivorceMag.com

I know some of you are asking, how does she know all of this? While I am happily married to the love of my life, I have had my share of bad relationships and I am a counselor in training. I quite possibly have seen and heard it all and as such I believe in being prepared. Still, no amount of preparation will shield you from the emotional toll this process will take on you. Whatever you decide, make the best decision for yourself and for any children involved.

photo credit: banjo d

photo credit: ganessas

I think this post has sparked some interesting and expected commentary which I will elaborate on later. Until then, feel free to go on over and check it out!

Thanks to Flexo for allowing me to guest post on the site, I really do appreciate it!

Brett wrote an awesome post about Personal Finance Tips for Newlyweds and I wanted to add a few more to the list. Believe it or not this was one of the more challenging issues when we got married. Since I was always reading the Suze Orman books and talking about what we should be doing I thought it natural that I would be the head of personal finance in our house. Not so said the man. I laugh now but it was a huge deal back then. Our biggest issues were *drumroll* who’s name goes on the checkbook, which bank to use and whether or not we would merge accounts. Husband didn’t like the idea of getting an “allowance”, which we have now termed “play money”. *Snicker*. I didn’t change my name and I wanted to use my credit union since every loan/account I have has been with them. Merging accounts and giving an “allowance” / ”play money” brought up issues around control for both of us. Lots of male macho psychology going on there but we eventually worked it out.

I share this only to show you that personal finance is deeply mired issue for all of us which is further complicated when you get married. But it’ll be ok, all is not lost. You CAN work it out! You don’t need to agree on everything but you do need to have to be on the same page regarding your goals.

Here are my additions:

• Discuss the minor things like name on the checkbook before you get married. Again, this was a huge issue for us because I did not change my name. This affects merging accounts and all around issues of maintaining individuality vs. simplicity. The latter because I like to have all accounts in front of me when reviewing finances as I do in Mint.

• Discuss who will actually manage the money? Both? You? Him? Why? Who is actually more vested in the personal finances of your marriage? Huge responsibility.

• See/Discuss the credit history before you marry so you know what you’re getting into. I helped hubby erase 14 out of 17 bad debts through the Myfico dispute process so that when we were getting qualified for a house we were in the clear. One of the main issues that contribute to the divorce rate is money. And having an understanding about how your partner approaches debt/credit is helpful and believe it or not translates to how they approach other aspects of their lives.

• Discuss when you’re going to purchase a home. How much to put down? Heck, WILL you purchase a home? That’s up for grabs these days.

• What are your personal philosophies towards paying bills? You would be surprised how this differs. One likes to pay on the due date, the other faithfully pays 2 weeks before the due date.

• Will you pay for your child’s education? This is an ongoing debate in our house. I don’t plan to pay for it and Im ok with that but he does so we haven’t come to a final decision yet. You can get a loan for college but you can’t get one for retirement. Nuff Said.

Of course none of this is groundbreaking, but if you’re a newlywed and struggling with how to get on the same page, hopefully, these will help you get on the way.

photo credit: jstick80