When talking about women and money, we are often portrayed as financial risks.  This is because of the perception that we we either shop too much or know little when it comes to utilizing money to create long term wealth and security.  So today I’d like to discuss the issue of being a financial asset in your relationship.  No partner wants a woman who shops too much and isn’t financially responsible with bad credit.  You’re as much of a risk as the man with a bankruptcy and continued financial irresponsibility if those are your cards.  So how do we become a financial asset?

[Edit] Some of you have already commented that you are surprised by the gender assumptions made by the article.  It is based on this Bankrate.com article which I found pretty eye-opening in that they specifically indicate the differences in approach to money by men and women. I don’t want you to think that I am using this article to paint all women with one brush, just understand that not all of us are working towards financial freedom because we havent been taught how to do so as the article implies.

Men and women spend and save differently:

• Women, trained to nurture and seek acceptance, view money as a means to create a lifestyle. Women spend on things that enhance day-to-day living. Theirs is a now-money orientation.
• Men, trained to fix and provide, view money as a means to capture and accumulate value. Men don’t spend, they invest. Men don’t want something, they need it. Theirs is a future-money orientation.

Embrace The Frugal Lifestyle

Before you turn your nose up at the idea, this isn’t about being cheap.  This is about getting the best price you can for whatever you buy, remember, if it isnt free then it isnt on sale.  It is also about figuring out your needs vs. wants, do you need that pretty fuschia sweater at Bluefly?   Your partner will be able to appreciate this quality because you won’t present as a spendthrift, but as a woman informed about her buying power and not at all dedicated to buying crap and coming home with nothing to show for it.  Believe me, I know

Invest In your Career and Education

I don’t care what your life plans are.   Some of us want to stay home and take care of our children and some of us want to run out and conquer the world, whatever you decide, invest in your education and/or something that you are able to do in the event that you have to earn a living on your own.  A man is not a financial plan and prince charming doesn’t exist.  Sh*t happens.  Be smart and protect your self.  Having an education even if you don’t pursue the corresponding career (English major becoming and English teacher), shows your partner that you are invested in yourself and that is the best investment that you could EVAH make.

If you’re a career woman, map out a 1-3-5-7-10  year plan and revise it yearly as it is a working document.  You’ll be a better woman for it because now you’re bringing to the table a woman who is focused and intent on her success.

Keep Up To Date On The Latest Financial News

Read and be informed around current and ongoing financial issues.  I’m not at all asking you to go out and subscribe to Barron’s but reading sites like Girls Just Wanna Have Funds (shameless plug), Consumerism Commentary, CNN Money, MSN Money MasterYourCard and others will give you both an insiders and main stream media view of what’s going on with your wallet.  Be aware of current savings and loan interest rates, take an active interest in making the most of your money no matter where it is.  A financially motivated woman is a woman who is in control of her destiny.

Engage Your Partner On Financial Issues

How much does your partner understand about the current bailout drama?  Do you meet regularly to discuss house finances such as your household budget and current debt load?  Make these conversations a regular part of relationship to ensure that you remain on the same page.

Maintain An Open Door Policy:  Communication

Need I really say this ladies?  Communication is key.  Don’t haul off and buy that $400 dress without talking to your spouse if your rules dictate as such.  Some people need to consult for a $7 purchase and others a $200 purchase, different strokes for different folks.  Whatever yours may be, keep the lines of communication open.

I’m the shopaholic in my relationship but I make sure to tell the husband unit of any purchases over $300 that sits outside of our regular budgetary items.

Be Financially Responsible Around Debts And Money Habits

Cut that shat out!  No partner wants a woman who is irresponsible around her debts and overall money habits.  In his/her eyes you become more of a financial risk, especially if you have no idea on how or if you’ll pay it all back.   Debt is slavery and we really don’t want to be enslaved to a perpetual debt now do we?  Get a plan, read a book like The Automatic Millionaire, Young Fabulous and Broke, Smart Women Finish Rich or Total Money Makeover.

I’m not saying that you have to go into your relationship or marriage, debt free but the first step is a change in mindset and a plan to make it happen.  A woman with a plan makes for a happy man.  Cheesy, I know but true.

Be Charitable By Giving To Others

Give and ye shall receive.  You can do through tithing, charitable work/donations and/or community service.  Any service given to those who have less than you is an indication of the quality of your character.  This tells your partner you are willing to part with your time and money in the service of others, can’t go wrong with that!

Question:  Have I missed anything?  How do you think a woman can be a financial asset in her relationship?

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Like so many of you I’m here watching Grey’s Anatomy and it’s absolutely one of my favorite shows of the season. One scene that stood out to me was where a wife was faced with finding out why her health insurance would expire at midnight, but her husband was in need of emergency surgery. In addition to that, all the credit cards were canceled! Her response when Bailey told her she needed to call the insurance company?

Watch this:

Lesson here?

Ladies, please make sure that you know what’s going on with your health insurance policies, life insurance, financial statements and retirement accounts. Oh and in her case, a good divorce lawyer, then again she forgave him, but Ginger, not so much. (Aside: Before you light up my inbox about the virtues of forgiveness, he was going to leave her high and dry with no health insurance or money if he hadnt been in that accident! hmmph!)

Anyhoo, what are your thoughts? Are you giving up the purse-strings in your relationship? I have no problem with a man managing the “important stuff” in a relationship, my issue is with the woman not knowing anything about the day to day issues that may come up. My thoughts are that if she had access and interest around this information she would have known way before this accident that her health insurance would expire and that the credit cards have been canceled.

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Add this to the list of decisions that women are now criticized for with regards to their life decisions. If it isn’t the Mommy Wars between the stay at home and working moms, then before that it was the women who chose to get an education and work for a living instead of choosing to settle down and get married with children. Today we have Stay At Home Wives. Ahhh, let the games begin.

I’ve read much about this “phenomenon” this week and still scratching my head, asking, “what’s the big deal?” Granted, I have not held a REAL full time position since 2005, mainly due to graduate school but in some ways I plan to be a stay at home wife. I see no problems with that decision.

Before leaving my last job, I told the pregnant intern that I would be a stay at home mom/wife once we started our family and/or moved back to NYC. She gasped and then asked me what would be the point of finishing school? I exclaimed, because I can! Bless her heart.

My husband and I live on one income which makes our financial situation more secure than a two income household where if one person loses a job, the other must shoulder the burden until the other spouse obtains new employment.

Why knock something that works for someone else?  This isn’t 5 steps back for the feminist women movement as some have said outright, this is a choice, and we should be happy that more women have the choice to work, not work, work inside the home, work outside the home or hell, sit at home eating Bon Bons all day while curled up on the couch.

Stay At Home Wives can get involved in volunteer projects, pursue hobbies, go on vacation, pursue interests they may not have been able to in the past all while running their homes like well oiled machines.

The vitriolic comments I’ve seen all over the blogosphere insulting these women is frankly unbelievable, especially from other women and the men who have the nerve to say they wouldn’t “let” their wives stay at home:

Meggan writes

L - A - Z - Y
Of course they’re “strangely happy”…they don’t do anything! Why not at least go out and volunteer? If you have the “luxury” to stay at home while your husband works, at least give something back to the community through charity work!

NY1974 writes:

I’m not judging anyone’s right to stay home if they can well afford it, but I find it hard to believe that anyone with half a brain could find fulfillment in housekeeping and#38; errands. Just coming off an extended …more

I’m not judging anyone’s right to stay home if they can well afford it, but I find it hard to believe that anyone with half a brain could find fulfillment in housekeeping and#38; errands. Just coming off an extended, and rainy, long weekend, I can’t imagine staying home each and#38; every day with nothing to strive for except a clean house, paid bills and#38; the ’status’ that goes along with having a well-paid husband who doesn’t mind if you leach off of him. After 2 days of an empty house, I found myself reading aloud to my dog and watching the clock for Monday to come. I would be bored senseless if that were my everyday routine. But, as my granfather used to say, numbskulls are easily amused.

Gregg writes

These couples are really deluding themselves if they think people can’t see through this bullcrap. It doesn’t take 8 hours to clean a house or cook dinner or to do the shopping. I mean really, how dirty does a house g …more

These couples are really deluding themselves if they think people can’t see through this bullcrap. It doesn’t take 8 hours to clean a house or cook dinner or to do the shopping. I mean really, how dirty does a house get with no kids and one spouse gone most of the day? It’s one thing to stay home and take care of kids, but these women are just lazy.

Paul writes:

My stepmom is a "stay at home wife" and I can honestly attest to the fact that women who do this are simply taking advantage of men. She also considers herself to be a "feminist." He pays someone to clean the house, …more

My stepmom is a "stay at home wife" and I can honestly attest to the fact that women who do this are simply taking advantage of men. She also considers herself to be a "feminist." He pays someone to clean the house, so she just sits around all day online and watching TV. Men beware: There are a lot of selfish women out there with a sense of self-entitlement that won’t think twice about jumping on the chance to be a stay at home bum. You’ll feel taken advantage of and come to resent her for what she is: a parasite. A healthy dose of reality is needed immediately before the parasite can fully latch on and begin eating the man from the inside, eventually leaving him an empty husk of a man.

But let’s play Devil’s Advocate for a moment and ask some hard questions:

Do these women have a pre-nuptial agreement in place?  Post-nuptial agreement?  I am ALL for staying at home but let’s get real for a moment.  Should the husband decide he no longer wants to be married, then what’s the back up plan?  A man is NOT a financial plan and Prince Charming isn’t Coming!. Are they keeping their resumes updated by keeping one foot in their chosen fields?

In the event of the wage earning spouse’s demise, is she provided for in the will?  Are the assets in BOTH both names, IE is her name also on the deed to the home and not just the mortgage?  Both names on all bank accounts?  Check on that.  Does she have access to and full disclosure around all household and personal finances?  Does she know if she has also been factored into 401k contributions, IE, is the husband making enough contributions for them to both retire comfortably or will they be eating cat food in retirement?

These are questions that would make being a true stay at home wife a tolerable situation for me.  If she simply looked at her husband as a means to earn a living or create and live a certain lifestyle without consideration for the above-mentioned then I would question her financial security as women need to earn more money than men.

Question: Do you think these women are freeloaders or doing simply what works for them?  What about the feminist movement?  Have we taken a step back women women choosing ot stay at home sans children or any real responsibilities?

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Wisebread published an article this week which detailed in part the expenses incurred when taking on a second car:

According to the American Public Transportation Association, replacing one car with a combination of walking and public transportation saves a household $8059 per year in reduced spending on fuel, maintenance, insurance, registration, depreciation, finance charges, etc. (Even after adding back in the cost of public transit.)

I started to pat myself on the back for insisting we stick with having one car because we’re so used to coordinating our trips that we do it without really thinking about it. We also live within walking distance from the metro rail which makes it easier to get home if one of us is away with the car.

What are we saving?

I did some of my own calculations and we save upwards of $12,000 by opting out of purchasing a second car. Since my husband’s place of employment is on my way to class and my internship, we drive in together in the mornings. When I leave for the day, I swing by his place of employment if he’s ready to go and we drive home together. On my days off during the week, I drop him off and pick him up from the metro. This works out pretty well since it saves us the metro ride cost of $7 per day which amounts to $140 per month which in turn saves us $1680 a year.

Keep in mind, this doesn’t include the actual costs of owning a second car. If we did, our expenses would look something like this:

• Car payment: $4200
• Insurance: $3000
• Gas: $2880
• Maintenance: $650 (Tires, routine preventative maintenance, inspection, registration)

Total: $10,730

We can afford to do this because we dont have children and therefore don’t have runs to the babysitter, school, practice or anything else kid related. I’m certain this will change once we do have children but for now I enjoy the financial convenience of not having to purchase a second car.

Our friends who do have children with multiple commitments ask how we make it work and we usually answer something like this:

Don’t you ever have a situation where one of you has to go in a totally opposite direction than the other?

This rarely happens since we live and work all within the same general area. It’s rare that I am forced to take the bus home (hubby picks me up from the metro) or be left at home without a car. On the rare occasion that I was at home without a car this week, it was my day off and had no serious plans to leave the house. I had the option to stay home without the car or drive all the way to Fairfax to run errands so I opted to stay home and hubby took the car on his lunch break to run his errands.

Aside: Now I know some of you dedicated SAHWs will cuss me out over email for not running his errands on MY days off but understand that my days off are not for appointments or running errands. I do all of that on the days I actually leave the house. I try not to clutter my free days with appointments, errands, cleaning and the like because I like my ME time. And, in turn, I don’t harass him with “honey-dos” if he is off during the week or working from home. My house is run like a well oiled machine <insert evil laugh>

But don’t you like the freedom of just being able to get up and go without planning your trips?

It’s really second nature and not something we think about. Hubby is really a hermit unless he is hanging out with his frat brothers, family or I drag him to some event or dinner. What usually happens is, since I am MS Social I always have something planned for the weekend, I take the car and he’s usually home hanging with friends. If he needs something while Im gone, he’ll call and ask me to pick it up on my way back OR he’ll get it himself. We work well independently and collaboratively with each other so we rarely clash around who needs the car at any one time.

Now, when my FIL lived with us I was forced to rent a ZIP CAR a few times because of the trips back and forth to NJ that I did not accompany my husband. So I needed to rent the car to get back and forth to my internship because that location is actually off the beaten path.

What are your thoughts on car sharing?  Do you think it’s something you could get used to?

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Choosing the right long term partner takes time, patience and a sincere interest in making sure you’ve chosen the right person.  After all you’ll be sharing your lives together quite possibly for the rest of your life.  So it makes sense that your choice in life partners can impact your finances.  But fear not, chances are, if you’re reading this blog, at least one of you has a sincere interest in improving your finances.

Saving and Investing

Consider your potential partner’s approach to saving money and investing for the long haul.  Do they pay themselves first or do they spend money and then consider whatever is left over for savings?  If they save at all?  Do they have a firm understanding of the stock market and not simply following the herd when it comes to making wise investments?

Do they read the Barrons publication and/or subscribe to Motley Fool updates and articles?

Your partner’s habits in this area could possibly make or break your relationship and eventual nuptials.  Be sure to consider their spending habits, how much they save and if they plan to invest their money wisely.

Children

How many do you want?  Will you utilize a daycare, nanny or stay at home?  Discuss these options as they are sure to come up once children become part of the equation.  Many couples go through tough times because one partner wants to stay home and the other becomes resentful due to bearing the sole financial burden of the household.

Household Finances

What’s their approach?  Will they want to pay each bill as it arrives or will they schedule all household bills via your bank’s bill pay system?  Believe it or not these nuances in personal finance approaches can cause unexpected rifts and it is important that you discuss these issues early on with your potential mate.

When merging your lives together for the first time, it can be difficult due to working in a routine that’s worked for such a long time.  But take a step back, try to understand what will work for your relationship and not focus on who’s in control of the money.  In this manner you learn to compromise, and if nothing else, one of the more important lessons you’ll learn in marriage.

Opposing Financial Goals

Does your partner want to use savings for a business they haven’t quite researched or do you want to pay down debt?  I don’t need to tell you that this can be disastrous when not approached in a sensible manner.  It is best to sit your mate down and be upfront: ask the questions that are on your mind.  If they are uncomfortable, work with them on it until you get the answers you need. I asked my then boyfriend about his credit early on in our relationship, I wanted no part of a man that was irresponsiblele with money with no plans to improve or change his financial situation.

Teaching someone how to budget is one thing, but marrying someone who has no intentions of remaining debt free building wealth is a financial disaster waiting to happen.

Personal Finances Interest and Involvement

Are you marrying someone who has no clue or interest in how their money is possibly working for or against them?  When did they last check their bank statement?  Credit card statement?  Are you marrying someone who knows what bills come out on each day of the month or are you marrying someone who consistently overdrafts their checking account and sees no problem with living hand to mouth?

Make wise decisions in this area.  Money is the number one reason that couples divorce, please avoid being a statistic.

Does your partner take an active role in your personal finances?  What’s one area you believe he or she could improve upon with regards to your personal finances?

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This is a guest post by Pamela Grundy, writer for Personal FInance Analyst. Personal Finance Analyst is an online community of bloggers dedicated to taking the mystery out of money and helping you to live a happier, more successful life with the money you have. I enjoyed this post and I hope you will too. Think about it as F-U money! *snicker*

When I reached dating age, a couple of centuries ago, my grandmother gave me a little coin purse with a ten dollar bill in it to take with me whenever I went out with a boy. “That’s your mad money,” she said, “Don’t spend it; just keep it tucked away in your purse so that in case you get mad, you have some money to get home on.”

I never had to use my mad money on a date, but later in life, in my mid-twenties, when I met a man whose dream it was to become an FBI agent, and he was hired and we were going to have to move to D.C., we decided to get married before we left. (I never can get things in the proper order.) I had to give notice at my factory job, where I sewed little leather camera bags with lots of Spanish speaking immigrants, Asian refugees, and Midwestern black women. My nickname at this job (it was in the 1970s) was “hippie chick.” It wasn’t a put down so much as an acknowledgment that, yes, I stuck a bit there.

To my surprise, my co-workers all took up a collection for me on my last day, and sent me off with a “Good Luck” card and this advice:

“This money is for you. Don’t tell your man about it, just put it in a little savings account in your own name so that, if things don’t work out like we all hope they do for you, you’ll have a little money to get home on.” In other words: Mad money again. I won’t lie to you, I did cry.

What I didn’t do was put the money away like they told me to do. That was foolish, because not more than I year later I had a brand new baby girl, I was living in a 15^th floor flat in Rego Park, Queens, and my hubbie the fed was losing his marbles. I had to borrow money from my folks to get home on, and I stayed there until he got his act together, which only took about 20 years. Everything is fine now. He’s fine. I’m fine. The baby is will be 30 this coming February, and we now have a grandson we adore and ties us positively together even though we’ve long found other mates and other lives.

But that Mad Money sure would have come in handy.

The point is, we never know what life has in store for us, and it is not a betrayal to recognize this fact and put money aside for yourself and yourself alone. So many women think that marriage means pooling everything, all resources and possessions, all earnings. Separate accounts feel like betrayal to young lovers and newlyweds, but if you don’t maintain a sense of yourself in even the best of relationships, you eventually forget who you are and you lose the relationship too.

You may never need your Mad Money. That’s great. If that happens, you can present your man with a ten year anniversary gift he’ll never forget as long as he lives: A new pole barn, a Harley, a trip to Canada to fish for two weeks with his buddies while you go to chick flicks, get foot massages at the beauty parlor, and eat chocolate an whipped cream for dinner in front of a “What Not to Wear” marathon.

It’s healthy for couples to keep some of their hard earned money in separate accounts to use for whatever they like. And, before you tell me your life is just too expensive for that and there isn’t a dime left over to save, let me just tell you that you put the dime in first, before you pay the other bills.

You can’t buy security, but you can make yourself feel more confident and secure. Confident, secure women have healthy financial lives and happy relationships. And if by some freak of bad fortune they don’t have these things, they have Mad Money accounts to help them get back on track.

LOVED this post! It goes against some of my more traditional thoughts around couples and bank accounts but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Thoughts?

[image: LFF]

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Given the divorce rate of 50%, I often wonder what women are doing when it comes to their money. Women are commanding a higher earning power today than ever in US history. What does this mean for the modern day marriage? Are prenups acceptable? Or do they set the marriage on a path to divorce court? What about equalizing roles in the home when a woman earns 4-5 times more than her male partner?

At our meetup on Friday, (albeit a small turnout due to the weather) we had thought provoking conversation around the issue of financial infidelity. We are reading and reviewing the book, Financial Infidelity: Seven Steps to Conquering the #1 Relationship Wrecker as we await more copies to our group by the publisher. So as we thumbed through the book, the following issues came up:

• If you own property before the marriage, the is that fair game in the divorce? What if you both lived in the property before getting married?
• How do you deposit cash flow from rental property? In a joint account? Individual account? Which one and why?
• If you get married and one partner already owns real estate, then do you add their name to all properties in your portfolio?
• If you marry someone with children from a previous relationship and become a blended family, then are you the non-biological parent responsible for that child’s education? What if they do not live with you and your spouse?
• Do you ask your boyfriend to see his credit report before getting serious? Is that something appropriate to ask before getting married?
• If your mate has tax issues with Uncle Sam, do you file joint or separate?
• You receive an inheritance after you get married, do you deposit this in a joint account? Separate account? Do you tell your mate at all?

I don’t have an answer to these questions just yet as I struggle with my heart, what’s right and what would protect me in the event of a divorce. What would you do? These are tough questions and I’ll answer once I’ve gotten my thoughts together. I am relieved that we were single, unattached with no baggage or major assets when we got married. We both owned property prior to the marriage but they weren’t an issue as we kept those dealings separate. These questions almost force you to get on the defense at a time when you’re supposed to be thinking as one.

I’ve gotta ask: how would you answer the above-mentioned questions?

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