How many times have we thought about this?  Self imposed (sometimes socially) time lines on motherhood, career, education and marriage?

I’ve always believed that women can have it all.  Still do, just in staggered moderation.  Lately, I have to admit though, going through my own struggles with this as I want it all and pretty determined t get it.

What does having it all mean to you?  Do you have it?  Are you content with where you are now in life?

To answer my own questions, I am for the most part content with my life as I’m in a pretty good place.  I admit to being a career driven woman who has her sights set on high, knowing that I can’t fail.  It’s a pretty strong drive right now and I just need to get certain things out of my system.  This of course, is the source of my indecision around starting a family.  Part of it has to do with my own issues around becoming a mother, the identity shift and timing ie becoming resentful around giving up my peak earning potential to have a baby.

Having it all in my world means a change in all of the above:

• Giving up on old childhood stuff and really moving forward to becoming the mother I want to be.
• The identity shift from being career driven, foot loose and fancy free to being a mom where my sole focus might become my child.  Not sure Im ready or how I’d feel about that.
• Giving up my peak earning and career potential to have a child.

It would seem that these are all things I would just have to let go huh?  I’m a control freak so I’m not sure how that’ll go down LOL

But, I might be on to something…ha!

What do you think?  Do you think in order to have it all I have to give up and accept the above mentioned?  Do you think having it all is a myth?

Thanks for tuning into my own brand of self imposed neurosis around this issue.  Parts 2 and 3 to come this week.

My husband and I had a good talk tonight about what the next stage in our lives should be.  Since completing my graduate studies I love not having to study for a test, write a paper or get together for a group project on the weekends.  What I love even more is my job and the money I make.  There’s something freeing about bringing in my own money from something that I love to do.  Truly.   So life has been pretty foot loose and fancy free around here.  Right now we’re both studying for our respective licensures and certifications but that’s it.

This is our first year together not being graduate students as we met in grad school, so it’s kind of like getting to know each other and dating all over again, we’re just married now.  It’s weird, but that’s how I can best explain it.  We were both pretty busy with grad school, working and in some ways our relationship suffered as a result.  But we’re at a stage where we’re just completely enjoying each other again.

Still, having turned 29 over the weekend I started of course thinking about the next step in our lives.  [Aside: We are planning on adopting a Malamute within the next few weeks/months]  Should I apply for my intended doctoral program or should we start having babies?  That’s a tough question for me as I value my career just as much as I do being a mom.  Becoming a mom was a recent decision, as recent as tonight because there were times when I wasn’t sure if I was cut out to be a mom and this was based on my own complicated relationship with my mother and rocky childhood.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a fun childhood and I was a badass but there were some equally tough times as well.  I only made the connection within the last year but this has been a sorted journey of self revelation, honesty, digging up old resentments and making attempts to resolve events of the past.

I read somewhere that the journey of motherhood causes a shift in a woman’s identity and before tonight I wasn’t sure if it was something I was ready for as I never looked to that in order to define my womanhood.  I wasn’t ready and perhaps to some degree, still am not ready for the identity shift that comes with being a mother.  Yes, Ive been in therapy, done much soul searching and finally tonight it was just a talk with my husband and his reassurance that put everything in place for me.

I’m not sure why or how, really I don’t, but this was a conversation I dreaded having because Ive known that he’s left it up to me as to when we would start having children but I never really nailed down a complete time frame.  As you know, Ive got to plan everything as best as I can, even children LOL

We went through my reasons for wanting to get a doctorate, balancing the demands of motherhood with our careers, childcare, my position at my job, IE dropping clients once I take go on maternity leave and having to rebuild once I return, finances etc etc  Basically everything that goes into finally making this decision.  This conversation was deliberate in that I wanted to really open my heart and share my concerns about taking the next step.  For some women, I’m sure this is a no brainer, but for me this was much more.

So we came up with this timeline…..

• Fall 2009 Take and pass my state boards
• Spring 1010 Study for GRE (scores expired and I need to retake it)
• January/Spring 2010 Start trying for baby (TTC)
• **Get pregnant somewhere thereabouts?**
• Fall 2010 Apply for doctoral program, be fully licensed as a LPC and hopefully be pregnant/have delivered
• Fall 2011 Baby should be at least one year when I get started on doc program and we will have adjusted to all the changes, secured in home childcare and happily on schedule once again.

My concern of course is working, being in school and raising a child, something may have to give, and it can’t be motherhood LOL.   Of course I know millions of women do this and then some but I do have to be respectful of my breaking point.

One day when I am comfortable I will share the issues from my childhood which plague my hesitations around becoming a mom but what I will say is I’m happy that I married someone who is letting me take my time in making this decision.  I realize that Ive created my own ticking biological clock and he’s been patient to wait for me to get to where I need to be in order to take the next step.  For that I am grateful because this has been one hell of a ride.

Till then, I will share that I had a mini consultation with Sherri Kalt of Authentic Mom and she recommended I read:  The Whole Parent: How To Become A Terrific Parent Even If You Didn’t Have One by Debra Wesselmann.  This has been a complete eye-opener and deeply insightful as the author speaks to many of my concerns around how my childhood will shape my experience as a mom.

This isn’t to in any way bash my mother or take away from her efforts in raising me, but Ive finally come to the conclusion that even with her best effort and working with the tools she had as a young mother, I’m still left with scars that have yet to heal.  I wish I could say live and let live but this has become a process, one that I have reluctantly chosen to face but doing so knowing that the rewards will be well worth it.

I also read When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life by Victoria Secunda which was good in helping me deal with our relationship as it stands today.

photo credit: Axel Bührmann

The Issue: More children left home alone to fend for themselves by working parents too strapped to afford child care.

This article was written a few months ago but it speaks to some of the concerns I have as we think about starting a family.  Parents are now forced to reconsider whether or not they can send their children to daycare because they are having a hard time paying for it.  As a result, some daycare centers are concerned that parents might be opting for unlicensed daycare centers, putting their children at risk of being in unsafe situations.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have to make these hard decisions around childcare, I’m almost certain it would drive me batty because I already don’t trust daycare, at home or the daycare centers, but that’s another post.  The man and I have decided that when the time comes we will get an au pair/live in nanny.  I hope it’ll never come to this, having to make hard decisions about working and placing my kid in a not so safe environment.  I’d quit, downsize and stay home before that happens.

With childcare here in the DC Metro area looming around $1500/month for one child, I can totally understand.  That’s damn near a mortgage payment and more than rent for some.  I know there are vouchers but some parents are having problems just making their copayments.  What should they do?  How do they get relief in this area when everyone is feeling the pinch right now?

What about you?  Have you had to make hard decisions around childcare?  If so, what are your choices and did it work out?

photo credit: Thomas Rockstar

Would you work outside of your home if your childcare costs you $3000 a month?

Tawnya, a reader, just submitted the following comment about Stay At Home Wives Being The New Status Symbol:

Women are generally super-critical of our own sex. I think this is based in widespread insecurity and confidence in decisions and the desire to be seen as ‘right’.

I’ve done/been it all, SAHM, WAHM, WOHM – and I can say they are all hard and each presents its own unique challenges. I’m a SAHM now and I can honestly say it’s purely economics, although I am getting used to it. It used to drive me nuts. Where I live, it would cost me nearly 3K a month to have someone watch my children. Maybe I could get a job that would cover those expenses, but I would be keeping much less than I would be spending on child care. Just can’t do it. For me, working is a luxury. When I was working? Staying home was.
What say you?  In this situation, do you think working is a luxury?  How much does childcare cost where you live?

Our parents had children in their teens and early twenties, now women are having children in their early thirties to late forties.  Some might ask what are the pros and cons of such a decision.  Why are women choosing to have children later on in life?  Isn’t this considered selfish?  Is it better off for the child to have an older parent vs. someone younger and perhaps closer in age?

My reponse?  Do whatever works for you.  If you like it, I love it.  I’d love to hear your perspectives on this issue so read on.

As women we often get the “so when are you getting married?…..when are you guys buying a home?……baby on the way?……you do know we want grandchildren right?”…I don’t know about the rest of you, but we certainly get the last set of questions relating to children each and every time we go home to visit.

This weekend was no different.  We went to my husband’s fraternity annual BBQ and his uncle took us aside to ask if everything was ok because he doesn’t see anything baking in the oven.  Now, while I know he did this in jest, it still annoys me a bit.  Why?  Because I really do resent the notion that as soon as we are married we need to start having children.  There’s so much left for me to do with regards to my career and personal goals so I am not quite there yet.  I admit to being in full career woman mode right now.

When we do tell our family members that we are in the process of paying down debt (and our goal is to be consumer debt free by December 2008) they laugh and tell us how they had children within their first year, they struggled, but they are ok now.

That is exactly my point.  I don’t want to struggle.

I waited to go to college and get an education.

I waited to find the right partner to settle down with.

I waited to buy a home where they can play outside

I can certainly wait to have children when the time is right.

While I am a control freak,  I fully realize you can’t plan for parenting but I can do my best to make sure we are prepared financially.  Truly, I am not used to struggling financially, so I don’t want our children born into a situation where we are struggling to feed and take care of them.

We are fresh out of graduate school, still enjoying carefree evenings and spontaneous weekends.  And, we’re totally cool with that, not in a rush to give that up just yet.  Sure, if it happened we’d be delighted, but right now?  We have a plan, and we’re OK with that.

I find that women often wait to have children for the following reasons:

• Finances
• Waiting for the right partner
• Career concerns, wanting to achieve a certain level within their careers before settling down to have children
• Fertility issues

The list could go on Im sure, but after talking to a few of my friends, this seems to be the general consensus.  Here are some of the pros and cons from member on Askville @ Amazon.com:

Pros of having children young

• * You (may) be more energetic with keeping up with your children (I don’t know, I don’t think mid-30′s is really over the hill).

• * You are younger, and therefore have better odds of being alive and in good health well into your children’s (and grandchildren’s) lives.

• * Your children should be long out of college, and established in their lives before you start thinking of retirement (i.e., you don’t have to worry about the competing $$$ needs of college and retirement at the same time).

• * If you’re looking to have a big family, you’ll likely have the time to do it.

Cons of having children young

• * You wouldn’t have the support of existing close friends raising children at the same time.

• * You probably aren’t as financially stable/secure in your career as someone who is older.

Pros of having children later

• * More financial security, more time pre-kids to have saved the money to do things like buy a house. Once you have kids, your disposable income takes a big hit!

• * More years of experience in your career/job. A proven, established track record might give you more flexibility in your job after a child is born. For example, you might have a strong enough client base to become a contractor, or your employer might be willing to let you work part-time from home, etc. Basically, concessions that might not be as readily available to someone new to the work-force.

• * More life experience and maturity to bring to your parenting

• * Less of a risk that you’ll have regrets of things you didn’t do. Hopefully by your thirties you’ll have had the chance to do your “big thing”, like travel to Europe or go skydiving. Less of a chance you’ll feel “tied down” by children.

• * Probably at least some of your friends/family members have already had children of their own…a great source of advice and hand-me-downs.

Cons of having children later

• * Increased risk of encountering fertility problems

• * Increased risk of having become accustomed to a lifestyle that is incompatible with children. For example, if you’ve spent the last five years popping out for $200 meals at 9pm on a minute’s notice, that’s not going to fly once you have kids!

• * Increased risk of facing health problems/death while your children are young (or relatively young, like still in their 20′s or 30′s).

• * The later you have children, the closer together their college and your retirement (and related costs of both) become.

I totally agree with the posters sentiments in that I don’t think that either choice is good, better, less or more selfish, it is more about that person’s ideals and their willingness to commit to this new stage of their lives.

What are your thoughts?  How do you feel about women waiting longer to have children?  Do you think if could help or hurt them financially?