Dilemma: Balancing Education, Career and Family Planning
Now that I am finished with my graduate studies everyone’s giving me THE LOOK and THE QUESTIONS. This has to be the longest running dilemma of my life but I kid you not, with each milestone, the questions begin.
“Soooo, when are you guys planning on having children?”
“You’re going to be pregnant by the end of 2010 right?”
“You guys are waiting awfully long to have kids arent you?”
“When are you going to join the rest of us?”
“So ..is there a problem, when y’all gonna bless us with some kids!!! What’s the hold up!?”
To which we reply, “in due time, we’re on our own time line…“ It doesn’t help that I am planning to apply to a doctoral program and am now met with frowns and questions around how I plan to make it all happen. I honestly want to tell people to mind their frigging business! This is my womb, not yours! It’s bad enough that I have the burden of sacrificing the time in my life where I reach my highest earning potential.
There are days when I think we should have gotten pregnant in our first year and there are days when I’m happy that we are waiting. Then there are days when I think I should just leave it all up to happenstance but if you know me, and know me well, then you know I can’t live life like that. Everything needs to be planned down to the last detail. My mom and I were discussing possible nanny options just in case I do get pregnant during the program because I have no plans on quitting half way through. Enough women have gone down this path for me to know that it is possible. And, she gave me a few people that I’d be able to consider when the time comes. I don’t foresee doing this all by myself. I’m even toying with getting pregnant with twins to lessen the amount of time I’d be pregnant as I’m not looking forward to going through childbirth more than once?
Aside: Do any of you obsess about this as much as I do?
As I plan out the next 3-5 years of my life (and yes you should be too) I need to think about whether or not we should start having children this year but I risk being pregnant during my program interview OR giving birth right before the interview and neither are preferable options for me. Why can’t I be pregnant on the program interview? Well, do you think a major corporation would hire a woman who is 6 months pregnant? Nope! It’s sad, that being pregnant would make professors and adcomms question my ability to be committed to the program and that they aren’t more flexible in this regard. But these are the hands I’ve been dealt as a woman so Im learning to roll with the punches.
I dare not ask or make the statement “they wouldn’t ask my husband how the kids will be taken cared of or if he would still be as committed to his job..” And that’s because as women we are looked upon as primary caregivers because well, we carry the kid for 9 months! I’m totally fine with that, believe it or not.
2009 is the first year I will have FREE of graduate school, working in a field I love and being able to spend more free time with my husband. We met in graduate school and I just feel that I want more time as a free spirited married couple with no obligations other than to pay our bills on time, so that’s part of it as well. But in 2010 I will need to figure out how and when we will pull off having our first child. At this point, I think the best option will be to have a baby in my first year as I hear that is the easiest because of the lighter course load or get pregnant now and have the baby before interviews are slated to begin in 2010.
Decisions, decisions.
Any advice for me and what I should do? Have any of you been in this situation where you had to balance educational and career endeavors with family planning?
"I’m even toying with getting pregnant with twins to lessen the amount of time I’d be pregnant as I’m not looking forward to going through childbirth more than once?"
How are you planning on getting pregnant with twins? This isn't something you can control. Fertility in general is often completely out of control.
And childbirth is not the worst thing in the world. A twin pregnancy would probably be a lot harder and a lot riskier than a singleton.
I guess now? I want kids before I'm 30, maximum 35 so I have about 5 more years in which to do this and I also want at least 3 kids. But I still have time. About 2 years before I can go off the grid as a consultant and come back a year later without missing a beat.
I didnt know you were 25, thought you were a bit older based on your writing style and blog
Now would be fine I guess, but in truth, Im not ready this year.
I am delurking because this is a subject I actually know about. I finished college being pregnant, worked on my Master's with 3 children, and am going back again, with the 3 being a little older now. It can be done but I think that it's easier on everyone to finish school before children. The higher up you get in programs, the more intense they are; and the more it wears you down trying to be superwoman accomplishing everything. The more time and financial resources you have available to commit to your child, the better you will feel about yourself as a mom.
I know this all too well. As I neared the end I was so burdened with internship, classes and other things on my plate. I cant imagine balancing baby and a doctoral program, but others have done it. Sounds like they struggled but they got through. I guess Im looking for a way that wont force me to choose one of ther other.
I'm currently balancing family, no future family planning in the mix
. I have two boys; 19 and almost 10, working full-time in a career that I enjoy but would like to pursue other passions, and going to school in the evenings. I'm happily married to a very supportive man and its still not easy. Some weeks are harder than others, but I get through and I believe you would too. I know that some people believe that women can't have it all, but I believe we can once we identify what exactly is our definition of having it all and being completely fulfilled. Once we've identified that, then we can put the plan into play that will allow us to utilize the resources, etc. to get our own true balance. Stay true to yourself. On another note, we decided as a family, that my husband would be the stay-at-home parent. He did so with our youngest from the age of 2 until he started kindergarten, and again recently as we were impacted by the economic crisis and his job was eliminated. This came with a bit of criticism from some, but at the end of the day we did what was best for our family.
How about not having children at all?
Nah, we're having kids. We want kids, that's not the issue. When will we have them, that's what we're trying to figure out.
“As I plan out the next 3-5 years of my life (and yes you should be too)”
How do I plan out the next 3-5 years when I had always expected to be married and have at least one child by now, but find myself still single? My dream was to get married at 22 and have my first child at 25. I’ll turn 28 this year and haven’t even met anyone I’d want to have as a roommate, let alone a husband, and I’m at a loss as to how I can plan anything, because there’s nothing I want to do alone. I’m happy in my job, but I’m horribly lonely otherwise, because I’m just not interested in doing things without someone to share the experience with. With big things this is doubly true, because I don’t want to do them with someone who won’t be around for years to reminisce about the event with. So I’m just saving my money, working, and waiting for someone I can share things with. I don’t know how to plan beyond that, because I don’t want a life without a husband.
I am trying to wait longer to have kids as well (I'm 28). My husband is planning on going back for his masters in the fall and I refuse to have two "babies" to take care of at the same time. I am also studying for my PE exam this fall. When I was married the first time at 21, I wasn't going to have kids. Husband 2 changed my mind (not for me, he is just the right guy) but I feel it is important to plan timing at least some.
You're right timing is essential. Of course I keep hearing that you can never plan for the best time to have kids. I beg to differ lol
So I hear. Im not quite sure but I do have an appointment with my OBGYN who is also one of the best fertility specialists in the area. I think I am moreso toying with the idea than I am commnited to having twins.
This is one of those topics that sort of frustrates me as a woman. I know that women are expected to be the primary caregiver, and in my mind I would want to do that. Therefore, it is important to me to get my education out of the way first. In truth, IF I have kids, I only want one. But I don't really see myself having kids at this stage in my life and I'm 27, so you'd think that would be plenty of time to change my mind if I was going to. But, like you, I'm a planner and I've focused so much of my attention on school and work. The downside to that for me is that my parents think I'm gay since I haven't been dating much and am currently single. My dad keeps dropping not so subtle hints that he'd be ok with it if I were. *sigh* Having extremely old-fashioned parents is not conducive to the independent woman lifestyle!
In your case, my recommendation would be to wait until you're finished with your program. You shouldn't feel rushed to have kids because others are questioning it. Tell them you'll have kids when you're good and ready and not a minute before then. Not that I don't think you couldn't handle being superwoman in school and being pregnant, but why put yourself through that when you don't have to? Now, biologically and emotionally speaking, when the time comes that you're ready to have kids, you'll know it. If that time comes while you're in the middle of school, so be it. But, I think waiting until after school is the best option if possible.
You girls all seem kind of selfish. Why is a career so important and why would you even bother having children if you''re just going to give it to a nanny all day? I'd think your child would be your most important responsibility. Your responsibility. You take care of it 24/7 because you truly want to. I don't think you're at all ready to have a baby. A child is a person, not just a possession or something to add to your list of accomplishments. Got my masters, got my doctorate,got a big car, got a big house, got a baby, got a dog, got a big screen tv, got a pool. I don't think I'd want to hang out with you at all in real life. You'll be rich probably, but you sound like you'll be a crappy mother.
Maybe you can post on what you view as the perfect time.
I've always thought it would be easier for a career woman to have kids before she gets deep into her career. You could take some years off and once the kids are school age you get going in your profession. Stopping in the middle or when she is on an upswing seems like it would be bad for the career and a frustrating choice.
You should hold off on having kids until the two of you really want them. If you really want them, the other decisions become simple.
I do want children, just not right now. I realize that to some it may seem that I don't but deep I do. I just realize that at this time I have competing interests such as my career which I am deeply committed to at this time. Im fine with having children at 32/33 in the last year of the program. If it happened this year then I would still move forward unless extenuating circumstances made it so that Id need to take a year off. Im fine with that if it happens.
Im not concerned about having children midway through or during a career upswing. My barriers are just that my own, not anyone else's. So I decide to have them at the pinacle of my career, I know that Ill be fine. Why? There are millions of women who've been there done that and made it happen
There is no perfect timing. It'll happen when Im good and ready.
Chile please. I wont apologize for wanting and having it all. If I get a nanny it will be for the duration of the time that I am finishing the program which will be for a year. There will always be objections to whatever decision I make. Daycare means that I let someone else raise my kids….Nanny the same…If I stay home then I am neglecting the opportunity to make something of myself and I am depending on my husband for a living.
Spare me your judgment as the last thing I will take seriously is your assessment of my ability to be a mom.
I will never apologize for wanting a career AND a family. So yes, I will have it all. Husband. Advanced degrees. House. Car. and all of the above. Why? Because I can. I am afforded the opportunity to do so so…..wait for it….WATCH ME.
If you took the time to read on similar posts then you'd know that Ive said time and time again that I am not ready to have a child at this time in my life, however, feel pressured because of outside familial and societal pressures. In no way am I trying to squeeze a kid into my life right now.
My worth as a woman is tied to WHO I AM not who you think I should be as a mom. And, frankly, you're not someone I'd deal with in real life either so no love lost.
I have not been in the same situation, but I still have something to add. I think it's perfectly fine that you want it all! The family and the degree and you definitely deserve it! As a nanny for a busy family, I think you're completely justified in wanting a nanny. I am with the kids a lot, but I will never be a replacement for their parents. I am just their nanny. I think by getting a nanny it's showing that you are being responsible for your child. They're getting one on one care with someone who can give them all the attention they need. It's just an extra pair of hands to help you and I definitely support the idea of getting one. When I come to the point of my life similar to yours, i would do the same thing.
So, enjoy your free time and be free spirited for now and have that baby or babies when you're ready!
I think eithe this year or nearing the end would be best. And I totally understand where youre coming from. I just resent the notion that as women the first thing on our minds once we are of majority age is when we will pop a few kidlets out. Im all for kids, just when I am ready.
I realize that there are some who dont agree and would rather see me fawning over pregnancy pics plotting the day we will have children but as with all things desired, they will come in time. Children are life changers and expensive. I like my free time and money lol
I think it's important to consider the time frame. As much as women think we can do it all and whenever we want, biologically you can't. How much time and energy do you want to spend and have with your kids? My boyfriend's parents are older and he has mentioned to me how much he wishes his father were younger so that he would have been able to do more outdoor activities with him. Also, I don't know how old you are Ginger, but keep in mind the health risks of waiting too long- for you and your baby. My aunt just had a baby- she's in her forties. The baby was born with down-syndrome and she is in denial about it. It's a risk that comes with having children at an older age. I am not wishing anything bad on you at all, just giving you a different perspective.
I've talked to couples in their thirties who wish they would've had children earlier because its not as much of a hastle as they thought it would be. And I've also had a Math professor in college who said that getting a PhD allowed him to raise his children. AND, my mother went to grad school with three children, a husband and got straight As. SO with all of that (a lot I know) I think that you shouldn't over analyze it and realize that it's possible to have children now. Besides, I'd love to read a finance blog written by a young, African-American, married mom! And think about this, If you have kids young, by the time they're out of the house, you're still young enough to enjoy life. And your income and opportunities will rise as they get older. Do you want to wait until you have a really important position and feel pressured to not take the time off? Think of Rachida Dati in France!
I have a 9 year old and a 9 month old. I have been battling with the idea of returning to school to get my PhD. I would love to practice law. How to become the perfect Super Women has been a hard obstacle for me. I would really love to go to law school, but I am not sure if the time is right, and if it will ever be right. My husband would like to have one more, but one more child would postpone law school for me. The only thing that I could think of is to make a concrete decision and whatever your decision is, run with it, and don't look back. Also prayer does work, ask, and he will tell you……
…If I stay home then I am neglecting the opportunity to make something of myself and I am depending on my husband for a living.
am excuse me I am 26, raising a 2 1/2 year old and trying to have baby # 2 whilst my huzzy who makes 70k which I think is more than enough for us to be comfortable takes care of us..WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT? I want to b a young,energetic mom and have my babies with fresh eggs and share as much of my life with them as possible. I 2 am a planner & knew THAT I couldnt be the best at the office and b the best mom I wanted 2 b.. Sorry but slaving for the boss an then have the nanny raise my kids is not what I want for my family. u r so not ready for any babies saying stupid stuff like that.. i AM starting my masters online, raising a family & giving my kid 100% everyday..if u think thats not making something of yourself yur sad
"Decisions, decisions." Yes Ginger, It’s all about taking the right decision at the right time. For this to happen, you have to set your own priorities and deal with the situation accordingly. Most of the career oriented women have to tackle with this predicament at some point of time in their lives. Even for me things were complicated when I decided to advance my education and go back to school for a graduate degree. I had my 10 months old son then and continuing education looked just impossible. But, thanks to the emerging online learning which helped me achieve my goal. I enrolled for an online degree program at Stevens-Henager College, recommended to me by one of my friends. It was a very fulfilling experience at the online college which allowed me to study at my own schedule and balance my personal commitments too. I am a proud working mom today.
Ginger, I know that balancing education, career and family is not as simple as it sounds. The only thing it demands is firm determination, which I am sure you have. Plan and make things work for you without any compromise. ALL THE BEST!!!