Career Couples: Who Becomes The Trailing Spouse?

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(image: pro.corbis.com)

Who’s career is more important in your household?   Is it yours?  Significant other’s?  Well, according to this CNN article: Career couples fight over who’s the ‘trailing spouse’, more emphasis is usually placed on the man’s career.

What do you think about that?  Why does the woman’s career take the back seat?

Blame it on socialization, says Noonan.

While it may not be true for every relationship, more often than not, she says, “men and women are taught to play very different roles within marriage. Women are socialized to play a homemaking role within the family, whereas men are encouraged to focus on their careers and breadwinning.”

I broach this topic after being finished with graduate school this month and my husband and I initiate talks about moving back to NYC.  We are both from NYC and have had plans for some time now to move back there after we were both done with our studies here in DC.  But, I am falling in love with the DC area and have both personal and professional reasons for not moving back to NYC.   But for the purposes of this blog let’s go with the professional. 

I like my job.

No, really I love my job.  While I am still getting used to the freedom and keeping myself accountable, I have unrivaled flexibility when compared to other jobs I’ve had in the past.  In the mornings I get up, early/late drive hubby into work and hit the gym a few blocks away.  Then I do some blog related work and then see my clients in the early afternoon through the evenings.  I provide counseling and psychotherapy to children in the foster care system, children who have been the victims of crime or who have generally experienced trauma.  That also includes working with the families and I can’t think of a better job right now.

I’ve never liked the idea of being tied to a desk or 8 hours a day and I type this blog post as I sit in my gym’s wifi lounge.  I also earn a FT salary for working less than 20 hours a week.  So I have more time to do work around the blog workout, hang out and focus on the things that are important to me.

My husband also loves his job, he really likes his company, the people, the work and it’s been a real blessing as far as his career trajectory.  He’s well respected there for his brains and work ethic.   But eventually he’d like to move back to NYC to be closer to family when we have children and possibly pursue other interests within the realm of project management.  :-/

So do we stay or do we go?  I know that I do not want to work in a case management setting in NYC if we move back there; a forensic setting is always an option but until that materializes I’m just not all that excited about moving back.  And the reality is, while I wouldn’t mind being a SAHW/M I like our set up now.

Am I being selfish?

This article listed the following solutions to our dilemma:

Trade places. “It takes some heartfelt conversations to begin balancing the career scales in a marriage,” says Les Parrott, a clinical psychologist and faculty member at Seattle Pacific University. “It requires both spouses to be honest with their feelings.”

Parrott asks clients to list what’s important to them about their careers, assigning each element a value from 1 to 10. After each spouse makes a list, they try to guess how much their partner values each item.

“It’s almost always an eye-opener,” says Parrott. “It helps them empathize. It helps them trade places. And with that new perspective, they are ready for a more honest and grace-filled exploration of their options together.”

Try the “package deal” approach. When a couple is considering relocating, Buccino says, one spouse should see what the new company can do for the other.

Switch off. Buccino says the fluidity of today’s job market gives couples “opportunities to evaluate and re-evaluate and hopefully switch off between whose career takes priority at various phases along the marital life cycle.”

When neither is willing to budge, there’s always the long-distance marriage.  “I have seen two-career couples that live in two different cities,” Buccino says, “because neither is willing to pass up great career opportunities.”

Im not sure that any of the above options really work for us right now.  He will undoubtedly earn more than I will if we go back to New York so obviously money will be a huge factor, I just don’t want to feel like I spent the last 3 years in graduate school only to give up a job doing what I love.  Hey, can you blame me?  I want to feel important too! 

So what do you think?  What would you suggest for our dilemma?  Do you think a woman’s career should take a backseat to a man’s?  Share in the comments section.