Open Discussion: Professional Women Losing Their Identities After Baby
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage! Right? Well, not so fast.
The issue for some women after the arrival of baby seems to be:
Who am I?
What am I worth?
Am I still considered a professional and competent woman?
Are my abilities, education and experience still respected after having a baby?
Who am I outside of my work?
Last evening, while talking to a the blog owner of Six Figure Moms Club, Angie Swartz and she said that one of the recent phenomenons that she’s come across is that professional women lose confidence in their abilities once they have children.
I thought I’d pose the question to the readers to see if you could provide any insight. I hadn’t thought about that but it is a concern of mine as I make the shift from grad student to career woman and pretty soon motherhood. I wonder if has to do with identity shifts from being a professional woman to becoming a mom and what that means in our society?
To further illustrate, while at Blogworld, one of the panelists from How to Market To Mommy Bloggers got a little irritated when they referenced her as a “mommy blogger”. I was bit confused but she explained it as the tech bloggers look down on her when she explained what she does with her blog, the reply she received was “oh, so you’re a mommy blogger…*blank stare*”…” I get that they probably said it in a condescending tone as if what she blogs about is any less important but what I don’t understand is why can’t they shake that? They are a HUGE brand in the blogosphere with companies like Graco and Huggies courting them pretty often.
Brand Sponsorship as a blogger = $$$mooolah! = Power 
Now, I know you’re probably asking what does this have to do with personal finance? Well, think about it, if a woman’s self perception is that her worth is less now that she has a baby, is she more likely to demand what she is worth as a freelancer/consultant? Angie said in her experience, some do not. Especially if she is now separated from her former place of employment and consulting because of the need for flexibility this type of work provides.
Lower perception of self worth as a mom = Not demanding what you’re worth in the business arena/workplace.
Why do you think there is such a negative identity shift from professional woman to mother/mom?
Have you seen this happen?
Why do you think this happens?
Have you experienced this in your own life?
Please, feel free to be open and candid in your responses.
#bwe08
Ok…so here’s the thing, I’m not a mom, but when I forwarded this to my mom, she said that when you all of a sudden become responsible for another human being, you begin to doubt all of your capabilities and abilities and that this doesn’t just extend to the work place. Sometimes she said that you doubt your ability to be a good wife, a good mother and a good student (my parents were in college when I came on the scene) simultaneously. There are changes in your body and you doubt that you will ever look the same, but she said that these are normal. My mom believes that a mommy blogger is someone who can’t work outside of their home for some reason and has chosen this as their career.
Now, my take on it (please, y’all take this with a grain of salt because I only have a career and no husband and children). I think that a lot of times women who are career oriented wrap their lives up in their career and as a subset of that, their relative success and worth. Look at society, women who are unmarried and without children are looked at differently, as if they are some sort of different species and are on a different playing field. Women who are unmarried and without children sometimes look at women with families differently because they believe that their priorites have shifted (somehow I think that family should be more important than a career, but hey that’s just me) and they belittle them for that very reason. There have been numerous articles about some women who believe that women with families get breaks that they don’t receive and are somewhat jealous (extended family leave, more leeway to up and leave because someone is sick or the school has called and as such, a greater flexibility to work from home). This resentment causes the woman without a family to belittle the one that does have a family and this sentiment is then carried out into the greater world. So, the term “mommy blogger” doesn’t surprise me and I have no doubt that it is a term meant to belittle the women who have chosen this. Undoubtedly, it is meant in a disparaging way to describe someone who can’t or doesn’t want to work outside of the home and their blogging isn’t a career, but rather something to do while the baby is sleeping, the laundry is running and All My Children is on a commercial break…So, IMO it’s a stereotype that women in that field have to combat. Just like pretty women have to fight to be taken seriously, or overweight women have to fight to be thought of a sex symbols or whatever.
If you don’t want to be thought of as someone who does this as an alternative because they are tied to their homes, fight against the stereotype. People can only call you what you allow them to…
NikkiM’s last blog post..So today is the first day of fall…
Wow, I’ve never heard of this phenomenon. Maybe from the view of not being sure of her respect in the field as a working mother, or her ability to multi-task home and work. But not that she feels she’s not competent to do her job.
As a teacher, we’re in a different sphere from the “business” world, since our world centers around children. Its normal for teachers and educational staff to have kids, for them to go to your school, etc. It doesn’t change my confidence, in fact, it enhances our understanding of our students and their parents. I’d say it an occupational “plus”.
There seems to still be the stigma of women who have children need to be mothers first, as if being a woman puts you on lock down, and the father has free reign to run a muck, so to speak. Again, since I’m in a child friendly field, I don’t experience the issues other do, and, personally, I would have an extremely hard time NOT being home with my child while he/she is an infant. I went back to school when my daughter was 11 months old and it was difficult then, I can’t imagine having left her any younger, even though she was staying with family, and it wasn’t 9-5. But having a child never made me feel like I was any less intelligent or capable. A lot of males, and females, without children truly don’t understand. Even some teachers don’t understand the life of working parents and the demands on that lifestyle. But feeling incompetent, no.
In my experience, (some) mothers value kids more than work. It’s their choice to make, but I think it can make you worse at your job.
As a single, childless person, I’ve gotten stuck with quite a bit of work thrown at my by people with kids. Kids are responsibility; I get it. Stuff comes up. Obviously, I don’t have anything important to do, because the world revolves around your kids. Sometimes it’s dads who pawn off work on the childless, but in my experience, it’s more mothers.
In my new job, a 80-hour week world, I’m starting to think that perhaps my field and motherhood are just incompatible hats. Men don’t seem to have this kind of conflict. They just live at the office like before and keep plugging away.
dogatemyfinances’s last blog post..Thinking About Adoption
@dogatemyfinances- Can I just say how much this annoys me?
“As a single, childless person, I’ve gotten stuck with quite a bit of work thrown at my by people with kids. Kids are responsibility; I get it. Stuff comes up. Obviously, I don’t have anything important to do, because the world revolves around your kids.”
Im married with no children and I have gotten that as well. Being asked to stay late because well “you dont have any kids, so you dont have a problem right?”
Uhmm I have a life and a marriage, that’s enough. I HATE HATE HATE it when people do that to the childless. Our lives and time arent worth any less because we don’t have children.
Carry on
Of course women have an identity crisis after having children! It’s only natural, especially in today’s world when many women have established another identity before having kids: that of a working professional.
Women today grew up getting educations, preparing for successful careers, getting good jobs, competing in the workplace, earning good incomes, and saving & investing. Suddenly they have children, and whether they continue to work or not, an identity crisis is to be expected. It’s not just about how others see them (and that will change, whether they continue to work or not). It’s also about how they see themselves.
Suddenly you’re a mom, and that is first and foremost. But you probably still want to be respected, in control of your finances, competing, making tough decisions, and even earning some money to feel like a contributor to the household finances. Suddenly instead of spending your free time researching investment opportunities – or sample sales or whatever – you find yourself frantically researching various brands of cribs. Instead of analyzing the stock market or an ad campaign (or website design or whatever), you’re analyzing the ingredient content of baby food and wondering if you should pay more for organic.
I think many women are torn between feeling demoralized and proud of their new mom-identity. And they feel guilty for having thoughts like “did I really go to college so I could clean up throw-up and change diapers all day?” It’s all totally normal – and agonizing.
But it would be the same for men, especially if men stayed home after having a baby. They’d have an identity crisis because their identities are very much wrapped up in their careers, even moreso than most women today.
Meg (from The World of Wealth)’s last blog post..How Much Is $700 Billion?
I am a mom (with a second on the way) and I am also a professional. I couldn’t agree with the article more. After coming back from my first maternity leave, I felt miles behind my colleagues, and was a year off of a promotion that I may have gotten if I was “there.” Underlings considered me old because I was a mom (even though I am less than 3 years older, if even that much) and everyone else was trying to be considerate of my “mommy status” by not allowing me to perform certain tasks or take on specific responsibilities because I had a family. Whether this was an attempt to help me out or not, it was patronizing and did not give me much chance to prove myself as competent.
In my field in particular you are valued highly as a work horse. Having a family is seen to conflict with your “commitment” to the organization. I must admit, there are HR policies in place, but your only solace really comes from other “momfessionals.”
The inferiority complex for women may come from a few places. First, the belief that you have to try harder than everyone else because you are behind the eight ball as soon as your EI benefits run out, and after trying that hard at work still attempting to be super mom at home. Failures in either department are very traumatic, and the mixture of exhaustion and peer pressure make the whole ordeal that much more debilitating.
The biggest success, I think, for a professional turned mommy would be to accept that she has made a choice and that will come with consequences, without succumbing to the outside forces that will ultimately drag her down.
debt.serious’s last blog post..Christmas in September…
Maybe women lose their confidence somewhat because they’re now in a new job position as mother with very little training, and zero experience. It doesn’t pay well monetarily, and you get very little immediate feedback. You won’t know how well you’re doing at the job of motherhood for years to come. It’s uncharted territory, and it’s also physiological so one’s perspectives on the grand scheme of life has likely changed. Any large life event can cause a woman (or man) to question their identity, their place in the world, their value.
I have detected resentment from single or women with no children toward those who have children because as others have said – they have more ‘perks’. The no-child woman has to go to the late meeting because the other worker has to pick up someone from daycare, etc. I think some men and some women who’ve decided not to have children see ‘breeding’ women as liabilities. They think a woman with a child is more likely to miss work or miss more work than her non-parent counterparts. I can’t say they’re wrong, as I’ve seen in every working environment I’ve been in – the parenting mother does miss more work. In the one instance I’ve worked with a single father, however, he was the one having to leave early because school called, etc. It’s basically the caregiver role, and that is usually the mother, even in today’s Equality-R-Us world.
As for labeling ‘mommy blogging’ or anything like that, I’m for others who’ve said to disregard the stereotype and move on. You can’t change other people’s minds for them, and their saying one’s work is less important doesn’t make it so.
Hi Ladies, Thanks for your comments! I talk with six figure moms all over the globe. I can remember one specific example when I interviewed an ex-partner of a Washington DC law firm who had quit to have her son. She was having such an identity crisis that she didn’t feel comfortable charging for her consulting services (even though the work she was completing was greatly valuable). In my experience, some switch flips and makes us nuts when kids come along. I think it has something to do with our value systems being so closely tied to our careers. Once career takes a back seat to our children (or even an equal seat), we’re not sure what to do. I’ll be interested to hear from you girls without children once you do have them. Will you promise to find me and let me know? Thanks for your thoughts and Thanks to Ginger Latte for bringing up this discussion point!
Angie
Founder of Six Figure Moms Club
Angie A. Swartz’s last blog post..Premier Flexible Work Event Coming Up in October
[...] discusses women losing their identities after a baby, I hope [...]
[...] I stumbled across this interesting post and comments following that reveal a fraction of the conflict that many women face over her home and [...]
Hello! I found this entry through a search.
Anyhow, to answer your open queries, technically, this is the first time that this reality is given, well, a name. Like a disease that has been existing, only that no one knows what it’s called, or no one cared to name it. But now, at least these issues (”minor” as they may seem to be) are out in the open.
I think the issue of Professional Women Losing their Identities after Having a Baby is real. But as I said, no one has really talked about it. I’m not yet a mother, but I am a teacher and I felt it when I was still teaching in a school. As we all know, as a teacher, technically you become the second-mom of children during in school. When I was teaching, I felt that many people in the corporate field, doubted my capacity to do corporate work and ridiculed my decision to teach. Thing is, once you start teaching you sort of forget everything else and completely devote your time to your students or “children,” so it’s not like I outrightly defend or argue the fact that I am very capable and probably even more competent to work in the corporate field more than those who are there because of how I take responsibility seriously, you know? I guess, the belittling of people for teachers and mothers is probably due to the lack of awareness and knowledge about how hard it is to be a mom or a teacher.
It’s tempting to think that these people are ingrates and idiots to treat societal transformers that way, but indulging to that would just feed my ego in the wrong way. And so I choose not to think that way. Instead, what I do is just assert myself in the sense that I do the things I ought to do better, with more passion and love and let my record stand for myself instead of pure talk.
Right now I’m freelancing, working at home and doing commissioned work, and many still give me weird looks when I explain what I do, but to me it’s a matter of putting myself in their shoes. Sometimes ignorance really makes people say stupid and annoying things.
I think if ever, how women could address these problems of indirect discrimination is to simply prove them wrong by being the good workers that they are. I also think that professional women who’ve given birth should engage in moments of introspective reflection before getting into a professional endeavor after giving birth–just so that they will be empowered… so that they will remember who they are and what they’re worth. As for society, I think we should educate society to be more respectful, tolerant and accepting about the changes that human beings, (women in particular) go through.
Great insight btw. Thanks for the opportunity for a discussion.
Cheers!
StarL’s last blog post..Faxing instant loan no payday
@ StarL It’s interesting that you bring up the issue of being ridiculed bc your decision to teach. I am considering opening up a holistic Montessori program/preschool/daycare because it’s something I have always ALWAYS wanted to be involved in. But I didnt want to become a teacher because it doesnt pay well and because of potential scrutiny of that decision.
And this statement was especially on point: “As for society, I think we should educate society to be more respectful, tolerant and accepting about the changes that human beings, (women in particular) go through”
Ginger’s last blog post..Gas Prices Are Down But Are They Tied To The Elections?
I know many married women having children. Many of them are senior officers. They perform their responsiblies with confidence until they grow aged.
Hi Everybody,
It is very nice to land here. It is a great forum
big ass
hi-I've read the above, and I am a mom. A mom of a two little boys -21 months and 5 months.
I am a chartered accountant. I am getting ready to go back to work in 3 weeks, and must admit that I am quite confused and find it difficult to try and get back my identity after having kids.
After going back to work from my first baby's maternity leave, I went back to work for a couple of days a week. Obviously having to leave earlier than the rest to pick up my child from daycare is what started the feelings of not being perceived as a teamplayer. everyone else works late or extra hours, and generally I just dont choose to do that. when i get home and get the kids to bed, I am exhausted, and not feeling like starting to read up on work issues.
(continued from above) Of course my salary is also half of what it used to be – making working extra hours even less desirable. after childcare is paid from my salary, there is a meagre amount left. – i have come to the conclusion that the only reason that i choose to go to work is to keep myself from going insane at home. i also feel that i cant give my children all the stimulation at home that they get at the childcare centre – so, happy to pay for that. however- at the end of the day, I am not striving to be the most hardworking and loyal person there is for my firm – I just want to do a decent day's job, and go home at a decent time, without feeling that the world is resting on my shoulders at work – since it is already the case at home. i just want to keep up my personal development, and keep intouch with work issues while my kids are growing up- so that when the time is right for me, that I can focus a bit more on work if I choose to.
(continued from above) As for all those woman putting off having kids because of their precious careers…. I promise that there is life outside of work…. you might just be surprised to see that it takes three times the skills to be a full time mom than to be a full time working person. hats off to all the women in the world who choose to be full time moms – you do a fantastic job.