Miss M’s last blog post..If My House is Underwater, Where is My Ocean View?

Kudos to such a stimulating post!

Tawnya’s last blog post..I Didn’t Vote for Obama

I remember working full time, going to grad school full time and raising my son (at that time the only one) and I managed to clean house, cook, all that. I was busy - no denying it. But now that my ‘office’ is at home and my ‘work’ is all house related, it seems like the work never ends. There is always some new thing to do, project to tackle around the house, etc. I do things when I can to keep my mind nimble. Right now, I am learning how to speak German and writing, but I don’t get to do it as much as I would like since I never get to ‘punch the clock’ and call it a day on my job. But then - what mom does.

Having stayed at home, worked from home and worked out of the home I have a unique perspective and can say without judgement that being a mom/wife is a big job and is hard and will keep you busy no matter how you do it.

Tawnya’s last blog post..I Didn’t Vote for Obama

Well said. It doesnt have to be a staunchly doing one thing to prove that you’re a woman. It’s about the choice to do so…or not. And nothing I do defines that. I am a woman worthy of anything in this world simply because I am, not because who I am not.

Oh yea, just because I am the author of this blog doesnt mean I dont have an opinion. I do. Dont let that sway you from stating yours.

What a heated discussion, huh? Thanks to Ginger for bringing up this subject. I think it’s an issue that we as a society have only started to really discuss. The “mommy wars” are still a hot topic, but with more couples not having kids or delaying having kids, I think this discussion is far from over. There are, after all, so many issues here (financial, social, marital, personal, feminist, etc.) and it’s bound to be heated since I think, underneath it all, the big question is how do we measure our value and that of other women. In questioning each other’s decisions, it’s easy for us all to feel like our value is questioned.

However, I think the importance of the feminist movement isn’t simply that we can wear pants, use contraceptives, work “male” jobs, or even get paid equally for equal work. For me, at least, feminism is about knowing that I — and every other woman — has inherent value as a human being not one bit less than a man. That is not to say that I don’t have a lot of respect for the superwives and especially supermoms out there. Some women like that life. Some women have to live that life regardless. Either way, it definitely can be a tough job (though to assume that it’s tougher than my life is also a big assumption since we can never truly walk in another’s shoes). Some people’s idea of fun is climbing Mount Everest; we praise those who make it, but none of us are any less for not climbing it.

Bottom line, my value as a person isn’t based on how much money I make any more than it is based on how clean our house is or how good my casseroles are. And I certainly don’t have to be superwife, working a full-time job outside of the house and also doing full-time chores at home, too, just to prove to other women that my husband and I are “equal” partners in our marriage. Feminism isn’t “you can work — just so long as as you still get your ‘chores’ done”, or vice versa. The true feminist revolution will have arrived when women can choose to do different work instead of just more work.

And then, maybe we can have a revolution for the guys so that they can be stay-at-home husbands and dads without society treating them even worse than us SAHWs.

Meg’s last blog post..The Fabulous! Festival for October ‘08

Re: #1, You said, “First off, “they” are not affording to stay home, the working spouse is ‘affording’ it, and the stay at home is reaping the benefits, that right there creates inequality.” That and similar comments are insulting because they imply — if not accuse that — SAHWs leech off their husbands. I don’t have to make as much as my husband to be an equal partner in our marriage (or any money, for that matter).

Re: #2, Yes, doing chores is one thing. Some women can be superwives, both working outside of the home and coming home to do chores — often for both people. And yes, others have to let things slide a bit and I don’t judge anyone for a messy house! However, I’m not one of those women and I don’t want to be — even if I’m not Martha Stewart, either.

However, there are a number of other things that I do for my husband in addition to more traditional household duties like cleaning. For example, I garden and tend to the yard, I care for our chickens, I find ways to save money, I research many of our purchases, I research political candidates and issues for the two of us, I read up on things that may help in out in work (and just generally make myself a walking encyclopedia), I’ve done web site work for him, I’ve helped him build radios for his job when he was overloaded, I help him edit some of his business correspondence, I fill out paperwork for him (his handwriting is pretty bad), I take care of my health and try to stay fit, I plan our social life, I fetch things for him, I deal with any roommate issues if there are any on a given day, I do the compost, I hang clothes, I cheerlead him, I network for him (I helped get him his current job), I help file paperwork, I run errands…the list of little things then runs on and on and on and can include things as small as filling his water bottle up before we go to chorus, but it’s a lot of little stuff that he appreciates. And there are plenty odd projects to keep me busy, too. On his last business trip I stayed home and repainted the trim in the living room (it really needed it). And heck, giving up my original career plans to stay here have allowed him to pursue his (and he was much more excited about his than I was about mine). And on top of that, I also work online as a writer, community manager, online video host, wiki admin, etc. etc. etc. The pay is almost nonexistent for that stuff, but I’m not doing it for the money and I’m glad to have the opportunity to work on those things. Some people volunteer at nursing homes, I write about ways to save money and look great for less.

Re: #3, When my husband gets home from work, I’m there for him. He doesn’t come home to an empty house because I had to work late. We don’t have to worry about our vacation days lining up. A lot of the time he works from our home office, so I do see a lot of him then, even if he’s busy a lot of that time. Sometimes I even go with him on business trips so we can spend time together when he’s done with the day’s work, not to mention that I can keep him company on long drives. And because I do what I do, he doesn’t have to worry about those things when he gets home. My husband puts in a lot of hours at work, which he gets paid well for at least, but he’s able to make those hours because I take care of other things for him. And because he works the hours that he does, we value our time together even more.

I hope that answered your questions.

Meg’s last blog post..The Fabulous! Festival for October ‘08

Now on to your comment….

“It only becomes an issue when the SAHW attempts to justify it by saying that housework/caring for their working spouse/etc “are like a full time job”?

Why do you care? Why do you use their comments as a measuring stick for your life? Yes I am the blog author but I also happen to have an opinion. This inspires debate. I dont believe in remaining neutral. I have women who comment here who stand behind their opinions. I am one of them. I inspire all of you to come in here and rip me a new one, respectfully of course.

So again, why does someone else’s choice have to color your or anyone else’s experience? If I chose to abandon all the goals in my journal and sit at home and eat bon bons because I want to clean house, plan my menus and make sure I get to all the things I long to do then how does that color your situation? Yes if I were staying at home ALL THE TIME with no outside endeavors then yes I would have more time to do laundry, cook, keep the house clean etc etc. Keep it real, the women who spend more time at home have more time to attend to the home.

Im not attacking you, I just have a valid question based on my observations of your interactions. Why does anopposing choice validated using reasoning that you wouldnt have to color your or anyone else’s experiences?

I am one of those kids who did not work in college but I had a job as a resident assistant where I got free housing. I did not work in graduate school because I respect the fact that I am not built to manage school and full time work. Part time yes but school was more important and I did not do well at juggling both. Does that make my decision any less than the woman who goes FT, has kids a hubby and a home? No. It doesnt. We are different women with different choices.

This is what I try to inspire here on the blog through these debates. I want us to come together and realize that we are all individuals making decisions about our lives, however we choose to justify them, because they work for us. And, just because mine is different than yours, doesn’t make it any less and it isn’t supposed to be a measuring stick for yours.

So please spare me the sarcastic rewording of my question as that reverse psych doesnt work on me. I have a Masters in the discipline and I see it coming a mile away. State your opinion and back it up. Simple.

I look forward to your response.

Why? I have no idea. It just does. Perhaps, its because I am constantly picking up after the children all day. And I cook (or at least prepare) 3 meals that all have to be washed up after. And there is NO extra time for me to do a lot of those things you mentioned.

Tawnya’s last blog post..Palin’s Hairstylist Earns More Than McCain’s Advisor

I too have many days where I’d love to sit at home, get the house in perfect shape, and catch up on my reading. I think you are exactly right, some are able and some find it challenging, which is all I was trying to convey. I still do not understand the equation of two working people, minus one working person, equals BOTH having more free time, but I guess that’s not up for discussion here (my mistake!).

As far as the respect thing goes, if you just want to stay at home, are able to because of your husband’s work ethic and admit it, that’s totally fine with everyone I’m sure. I can say with 100% honesty that I respect it in its own right. It only becomes an issue when the SAHW attempts to justify it by saying that housework/caring for their working spouse/etc “are like a full time job” and begin comparing their load with those of working wives/women, who have to do it all on their own and still manage to get it done. Don’t compare or assume that those working are lax in the homecare/spousecare department unless you want opinions to the contrary.

It’s kinda akin to those who worked their way through college, and those who got to do it on Mom and Dad’s dime. Those with Mom and Dad’s financial support will always say that school was a full time priority for them, and that they couldn’t possibly have worked full time while attending….but people work full time while finishing full time school everyday, so it obviously can be done and be done well. Same goes for this topic.

Buuuutt, it’s your blog, your post, and if you didn’t want object opinions on the matter I’m glad to back out of this discussion. I would just suggest wording your question (listed below for easy reference) differently on future blogs.

“Question: Do you think these women are freeloaders or doing simply what works for them? What about the feminist movement? Have we taken a step back women women choosing ot stay at home sans children or any real responsibilities?