Stay At Home Wives: The New Status Symbol?
Add this to the list of decisions that women are now criticized for with regards to their life decisions. If it isn’t the Mommy Wars between the stay at home and working moms, then before that it was the women who chose to get an education and work for a living instead of choosing to settle down and get married with children. Today we have Stay At Home Wives. Ahhh, let the games begin.
I’ve read much about this “phenomenon” this week and still scratching my head, asking, “what’s the big deal?” Granted, I have not held a REAL full time position since 2005, mainly due to graduate school but in some ways I plan to be a stay at home wife. I see no problems with that decision.
Before leaving my last job, I told the pregnant intern that I would be a stay at home mom/wife once we started our family and/or moved back to NYC. She gasped and then asked me what would be the point of finishing school? I exclaimed, because I can! Bless her heart.
My husband and I live on one income which makes our financial situation more secure than a two income household where if one person loses a job, the other must shoulder the burden until the other spouse obtains new employment.
Why knock something that works for someone else? This isn’t 5 steps back for the feminist women movement as some have said outright, this is a choice, and we should be happy that more women have the choice to work, not work, work inside the home, work outside the home or hell, sit at home eating Bon Bons all day while curled up on the couch.
Stay At Home Wives can get involved in volunteer projects, pursue hobbies, go on vacation, pursue interests they may not have been able to in the past all while running their homes like well oiled machines.
The vitriolic comments I’ve seen all over the blogosphere insulting these women is frankly unbelievable, especially from other women and the men who have the nerve to say they wouldn’t “let” their wives stay at home:
Meggan writes
L – A – Z – Y
Of course they’re “strangely happy”…they don’t do anything! Why not at least go out and volunteer? If you have the “luxury” to stay at home while your husband works, at least give something back to the community through charity work!NY1974 writes:
I’m not judging anyone’s right to stay home if they can well afford it, but I find it hard to believe that anyone with half a brain could find fulfillment in housekeeping and#38; errands. Just coming off an extended, and rainy, long weekend, I can’t imagine staying home each and#38; every day with nothing to strive for except a clean house, paid bills and#38; the ’status’ that goes along with having a well-paid husband who doesn’t mind if you leach off of him. After 2 days of an empty house, I found myself reading aloud to my dog and watching the clock for Monday to come. I would be bored senseless if that were my everyday routine. But, as my granfather used to say, numbskulls are easily amused.
Gregg writes
These couples are really deluding themselves if they think people can’t see through this bullcrap. It doesn’t take 8 hours to clean a house or cook dinner or to do the shopping. I mean really, how dirty does a house get with no kids and one spouse gone most of the day? It’s one thing to stay home and take care of kids, but these women are just lazy.
Paul writes:
My stepmom is a "stay at home wife" and I can honestly attest to the fact that women who do this are simply taking advantage of men. She also considers herself to be a "feminist." He pays someone to clean the house, so she just sits around all day online and watching TV. Men beware: There are a lot of selfish women out there with a sense of self-entitlement that won’t think twice about jumping on the chance to be a stay at home bum. You’ll feel taken advantage of and come to resent her for what she is: a parasite. A healthy dose of reality is needed immediately before the parasite can fully latch on and begin eating the man from the inside, eventually leaving him an empty husk of a man.
But let’s play Devil’s Advocate for a moment and ask some hard questions:
Do these women have a pre-nuptial agreement in place? Post-nuptial agreement? I am ALL for staying at home but let’s get real for a moment. Should the husband decide he no longer wants to be married, then what’s the back up plan? A man is NOT a financial plan and Prince Charming isn’t Coming!. Are they keeping their resumes updated by keeping one foot in their chosen fields?
In the event of the wage earning spouse’s demise, is she provided for in the will? Are the assets in BOTH both names, IE is her name also on the deed to the home and not just the mortgage? Both names on all bank accounts? Check on that. Does she have access to and full disclosure around all household and personal finances? Does she know if she has also been factored into 401k contributions, IE, is the husband making enough contributions for them to both retire comfortably or will they be eating cat food in retirement?
These are questions that would make being a true stay at home wife a tolerable situation for me. If she simply looked at her husband as a means to earn a living or create and live a certain lifestyle without consideration for the above-mentioned then I would question her financial security as women need to earn more money than men.
Question: Do you think these women are freeloaders or doing simply what works for them? What about the feminist movement? Have we taken a step back women women choosing ot stay at home sans children or any real responsibilities?
LOL! I have to say I understand your comment, but having been on both sides of the issue (I worked out of the home MUCH longer than I have been at home)I can honestly say it really does take all day to do those things.
Why? I have no idea. It just does. Perhaps, its because I am constantly picking up after the children all day. And I cook (or at least prepare) 3 meals that all have to be washed up after. And there is NO extra time for me to do a lot of those things you mentioned.
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Brianna, that really doesnt work on me. After close to 60 comments on this post alone, I am more than open to a debate. If you can’t take my opinion as the blog author pointing out a few things in your post, it just means the kitchen got too hot. You’re more than welcome to excuse yourself. But please, have a seat, if you can stand the heat.
Now on to your comment….
“It only becomes an issue when the SAHW attempts to justify it by saying that housework/caring for their working spouse/etc “are like a full time job”?
Why do you care? Why do you use their comments as a measuring stick for your life? Yes I am the blog author but I also happen to have an opinion. This inspires debate. I dont believe in remaining neutral. I have women who comment here who stand behind their opinions. I am one of them. I inspire all of you to come in here and rip me a new one, respectfully of course.
So again, why does someone else’s choice have to color your or anyone else’s experience? If I chose to abandon all the goals in my journal and sit at home and eat bon bons because I want to clean house, plan my menus and make sure I get to all the things I long to do then how does that color your situation? Yes if I were staying at home ALL THE TIME with no outside endeavors then yes I would have more time to do laundry, cook, keep the house clean etc etc. Keep it real, the women who spend more time at home have more time to attend to the home.
Im not attacking you, I just have a valid question based on my observations of your interactions. Why does anopposing choice validated using reasoning that you wouldnt have to color your or anyone else’s experiences?
I am one of those kids who did not work in college but I had a job as a resident assistant where I got free housing. I did not work in graduate school because I respect the fact that I am not built to manage school and full time work. Part time yes but school was more important and I did not do well at juggling both. Does that make my decision any less than the woman who goes FT, has kids a hubby and a home? No. It doesnt. We are different women with different choices.
This is what I try to inspire here on the blog through these debates. I want us to come together and realize that we are all individuals making decisions about our lives, however we choose to justify them, because they work for us. And, just because mine is different than yours, doesn’t make it any less and it isn’t supposed to be a measuring stick for yours.
So please spare me the sarcastic rewording of my question as that reverse psych doesnt work on me. I have a Masters in the discipline and I see it coming a mile away. State your opinion and back it up. Simple.
I look forward to your response.
Brianna,
Re: #1, You said, “First off, “they” are not affording to stay home, the working spouse is ‘affording’ it, and the stay at home is reaping the benefits, that right there creates inequality.” That and similar comments are insulting because they imply — if not accuse that — SAHWs leech off their husbands. I don’t have to make as much as my husband to be an equal partner in our marriage (or any money, for that matter).
Re: #2, Yes, doing chores is one thing. Some women can be superwives, both working outside of the home and coming home to do chores — often for both people. And yes, others have to let things slide a bit and I don’t judge anyone for a messy house! However, I’m not one of those women and I don’t want to be — even if I’m not Martha Stewart, either.
However, there are a number of other things that I do for my husband in addition to more traditional household duties like cleaning. For example, I garden and tend to the yard, I care for our chickens, I find ways to save money, I research many of our purchases, I research political candidates and issues for the two of us, I read up on things that may help in out in work (and just generally make myself a walking encyclopedia), I’ve done web site work for him, I’ve helped him build radios for his job when he was overloaded, I help him edit some of his business correspondence, I fill out paperwork for him (his handwriting is pretty bad), I take care of my health and try to stay fit, I plan our social life, I fetch things for him, I deal with any roommate issues if there are any on a given day, I do the compost, I hang clothes, I cheerlead him, I network for him (I helped get him his current job), I help file paperwork, I run errands…the list of little things then runs on and on and on and can include things as small as filling his water bottle up before we go to chorus, but it’s a lot of little stuff that he appreciates. And there are plenty odd projects to keep me busy, too. On his last business trip I stayed home and repainted the trim in the living room (it really needed it). And heck, giving up my original career plans to stay here have allowed him to pursue his (and he was much more excited about his than I was about mine). And on top of that, I also work online as a writer, community manager, online video host, wiki admin, etc. etc. etc. The pay is almost nonexistent for that stuff, but I’m not doing it for the money and I’m glad to have the opportunity to work on those things. Some people volunteer at nursing homes, I write about ways to save money and look great for less.
Re: #3, When my husband gets home from work, I’m there for him. He doesn’t come home to an empty house because I had to work late. We don’t have to worry about our vacation days lining up. A lot of the time he works from our home office, so I do see a lot of him then, even if he’s busy a lot of that time. Sometimes I even go with him on business trips so we can spend time together when he’s done with the day’s work, not to mention that I can keep him company on long drives. And because I do what I do, he doesn’t have to worry about those things when he gets home. My husband puts in a lot of hours at work, which he gets paid well for at least, but he’s able to make those hours because I take care of other things for him. And because he works the hours that he does, we value our time together even more.
I hope that answered your questions.
Meg’s last blog post..The Fabulous! Festival for October ‘08
To everyone,
What a heated discussion, huh? Thanks to Ginger for bringing up this subject. I think it’s an issue that we as a society have only started to really discuss. The “mommy wars” are still a hot topic, but with more couples not having kids or delaying having kids, I think this discussion is far from over. There are, after all, so many issues here (financial, social, marital, personal, feminist, etc.) and it’s bound to be heated since I think, underneath it all, the big question is how do we measure our value and that of other women. In questioning each other’s decisions, it’s easy for us all to feel like our value is questioned.
However, I think the importance of the feminist movement isn’t simply that we can wear pants, use contraceptives, work “male” jobs, or even get paid equally for equal work. For me, at least, feminism is about knowing that I — and every other woman — has inherent value as a human being not one bit less than a man. That is not to say that I don’t have a lot of respect for the superwives and especially supermoms out there. Some women like that life. Some women have to live that life regardless. Either way, it definitely can be a tough job (though to assume that it’s tougher than my life is also a big assumption since we can never truly walk in another’s shoes). Some people’s idea of fun is climbing Mount Everest; we praise those who make it, but none of us are any less for not climbing it.
Bottom line, my value as a person isn’t based on how much money I make any more than it is based on how clean our house is or how good my casseroles are. And I certainly don’t have to be superwife, working a full-time job outside of the house and also doing full-time chores at home, too, just to prove to other women that my husband and I are “equal” partners in our marriage. Feminism isn’t “you can work — just so long as as you still get your ‘chores’ done”, or vice versa. The true feminist revolution will have arrived when women can choose to do different work instead of just more work.
And then, maybe we can have a revolution for the guys so that they can be stay-at-home husbands and dads without society treating them even worse than us SAHWs.
Meg’s last blog post..The Fabulous! Festival for October ‘08
“Bottom line, my value as a person isn’t based on how much money I make any more than it is based on how clean our house is or how good my casseroles are. And I certainly don’t have to be superwife, working a full-time job outside of the house and also doing full-time chores at home, too, just to prove to other women that my husband and I are “equal” partners in our marriage. Feminism isn’t “you can work — just so long as as you still get your ‘chore”
Well said. It doesnt have to be a staunchly doing one thing to prove that you’re a woman. It’s about the choice to do so…or not. And nothing I do defines that. I am a woman worthy of anything in this world simply because I am, not because who I am not.
Oh yea, just because I am the author of this blog doesnt mean I dont have an opinion. I do. Dont let that sway you from stating yours.
Honestly, I do get bored sometimes, but not from lack of stuff to do. I miss the accomplishments, the communication with adults that I had when I worked out of the house.
I remember working full time, going to grad school full time and raising my son (at that time the only one) and I managed to clean house, cook, all that. I was busy – no denying it. But now that my ‘office’ is at home and my ‘work’ is all house related, it seems like the work never ends. There is always some new thing to do, project to tackle around the house, etc. I do things when I can to keep my mind nimble. Right now, I am learning how to speak German and writing, but I don’t get to do it as much as I would like since I never get to ‘punch the clock’ and call it a day on my job. But then – what mom does.
Having stayed at home, worked from home and worked out of the home I have a unique perspective and can say without judgement that being a mom/wife is a big job and is hard and will keep you busy no matter how you do it.
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Ginger – this has been a fascinating discussion. One thing I wish people could take away from this is that, as women, we should support each others decisions regardless of what they are. For me, feminism should be about choice. The choice to make of life what one desires – not based on what society dictates, whether that be working or not working. By casting stones or making snide comments or snap judgments about certain choices we certainly don’t support women’s rights.
Kudos to such a stimulating post!
Tawnya’s last blog post..I Didn’t Vote for Obama
I’d be OK having a stay at home husband, my other half is currently out of work and stays home all day. Problem is, he’s a lousy house husband! Doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, lousy at laundry….I truly wish he had the inclination for homemaking cause I don’t, well other than cooking. I think a partner can contribute to the family in non-monetary ways and support whatever arrangement works for a couple. Would I love to stay home and not have to deal with the headaches of a career, definitely, but unless we win the lottery it’s not in the cards. I don’t see myself staying at home while my husband works to support me, it doesn’t work for me. I pride myself on my independence, I get a certain pleasure out of knowing I am the main breadwinner. I look forward to the day when stay at home dads are just as common as stay at moms.
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I think it is the women's individual choice if they want to be a stay at home mom, work full time, or try and juggle both. The options is there for whatever the individual wants to do with their lives and should not be judged by which path they decide is best for them and their family.
Hi there! I'm a stay at home fiance and couldn't be happier. My days are full of doing thing that I actually enjoy (trying new recipes, making jewelry, walking the dogs, yoga, reading, writing, getting together with friends, etc.). It's kind of crazy that people act like not working a 9-5 = lazy. I'm far from lazy… before deciding to stay at home I owned my own business and the reason that I decided to be a SAHW is because my fiance makes in a month what I used to make in a year. Why on earth would I bust my butt doing something that I don't enjoy when it doesn't even make a dent in our income? I'm spending every moment of my day doing what I choose to do and enjoying my life. So anyone out there who thinks that stay at home wives are just lazy and must be bored all the time or have no goals in life…. you're wrong.
What happens if God forbid your husband falls ill? What happens to your income? Your resume? Could you SAHMs & SAHWs enter the workforce and support the both of you and your children if you had to? What happens if he dies?
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
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I think being a stay at home wife/mom is a full time job. I came from a home where my mother was home and my husband came from a home with a working mother, and I have a much closer relationship with my mother. My husband loves having me home, he has nothing to do when he gets home, the house is spotless, the laundry is done, dinner is cooked, his clothes are ready for work, his lunch is packed, all he has to do is spend time with our family. I honestly think the reason divorce right is so high is because both spouses are working and don't have time for each other, they grow apart, they have their own lives not one life together. Also there is no way you can be the best mother and best worker it is impossible no matter what anybody says there is no way that you can give 100% at home and give 100% in the office, and the who suffers the kids. With nobody at home the kids are shipped off the day care so somebody else is raising your kids. I am not saying a woman has to be at home but somebody needs to be there for the family, to keep everything together.
>>Do these women have a pre-nuptial agreement in place? back up plan? A man is NOT a financial plan and Prince Charming isn’t Coming!. keeping their resumes updated?
## It would be Interesting to do pre-nuptial for military soldiers, isn't it? if it's getting tough, just quit, no big deal. Why not??
Soldiers keep their commitment and promise till death, why not housewives? it's not even close to death, Geeze…
Yes, financial planning is always important, but do NOT FORCE happily married wives into Slavery!… by Looking Down Upon them!!!
Govt can make more TAX $$ if women work outside, while twice amount of people do the same jobs, wages are cut in half… they call this modern women's Liberation! Oh yeah! What a Slavery!
Google it:
Taken in Hand
women liberation movement Aaron Russo Alex Jones
60 Minutes Australia Under the thumb
Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle
Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin
Antifeminism in Wikipedia
women are supposed to be at home.we end up with two jobs when we work,home and the outside job.The wife should run the home and the man should provide for it.you end up with a couple who never see each other ,growing apart when the wife works.that's what's wrong these days..women trying to act like the man and the man letting it go on.
I am a stay at home wife and it is not out of choice. we move to different countries due to my husband's job and it's tough to get a temporary jobs. Also volunteering is not a option in most countries due to the language. Do i get bored ? hell yes.