Get What You Want While Seducing The Boys Club On Your Way To The Top
I came across two books this week: Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide and Seducing the Boys Club: Uncensored Tactics from a Woman at the Top. They reflect my thoughts around women and how we can get what we want while negotiating with members of the “boys club”.
Negotiating things like salary, time off, flexible work schedule and vacation leave shouldn’t be like a trip to the dentist, but it is for some women. This is while men walk into such situations thinking of it as a “game” on which they are intent on winning.
So why do we shirk our power, hand it over nicely in hopes that we will get what we want? After all, many female corporate executives will tell you that glass ceilings are very much in place and there is still work to be done to shatter them. Here’s why I think we tend to shirl our power:
Disclaimer: This does not apply to all women. If you’re an Alpha woman that gets what she wants, great, if not read on!
We aren’t taught to think highly of our talents or abilities
- Ellen, senior partner at a law firm:“[My father told me], ‘Honey, you know you can’t act like a tiger. You have to act like a kitten.’”
Ask a woman before going in for a salary review about the feelings she has about asking for more money even when she deserves it. She will probably tell you that she’s thought over and over whether or not the money she is asking for is too much or if she is worth the increase in salary. Feelings of unworthiness come over her as she approaches her boss’s desk to sit down and she reviews in her mind the questions she can expect and just how she will word the request.
Tip: Employers don’t know your value unless you tell them. That’s right, it is up to you to tell them. Which employer wants to give you more money than you expect? Very few. If your expectations are low, then the outcome will be low. Get what you want by laying down the law. Based on your education, experience and achievements in the present position articulate why you deserve a raise and do so in a frank manner. Be confident and know your worth.
We were raised to be nice, never demanding
- Susannah, political strategist: “I just feel so guilty. I worry that I’m putting them in a difficult situation, especially if I’m asking for something that I think will be hard for them to give to me.“
- Eleanor, literature professor and biographer: “When it came down to it, I backed down because I didn’t want [my editor] to hate me.”
- Becky, a journalist: “When I go into a negotiation . . . I think about maintaining that relationship before I think about my own [needs] really.”
I can’t relate much to this because my mother was the complete opposite. She goes through life demanding what she wants and most of the time the woman gets it and I love her for instilling that fire in me. However, many of my friends and I know other readers don’t share this sentiment as they were raised to take whatever an employer or life gave them. I am not saying that women should be nasty and obnoxious b*tches, but what I am saying is that we need to get on the same playing field with men as far as understanding our worth, especially in the workplace where salary is concerned. We are often taught to maintain the relationship, putting that before our own needs which speaks to our ability to be nurturers. We can do that but less of it in the game of the workplace.
A reader wrote:
I had my first taste of gender discrimination a few weeks ago. My husband and I have the same degree within IT and similar experience and backgrounds. We both interviewed for a position and he was offered $20k more than I was for the same position. Of course, when the interviewer put the numbers on the table I was shocked, so blown away that they would offer me significantly less for the exact same position they offered my spouse that I walked away. In hindsight I should have demonstrated why I deserved more but even then I was planning to ask for $10k more, not at least the $20k that my spouse was offered, uugghhh!
How many times does this happen? Often. And we walk away doubting out abilities when in fact we have all the right tools to get what we want and be successful, we just need to learn how to use them.
Tip: Join sites like The Vault and talk to others in your niche or area. Former employees often share sage advice on topics like interviewing, salary expectations, work climate and opportunities for advancement.
We Think That We Will Get What We Deserve By Working Hard
- Stephanie, administrative assistant: “I tend to think people are pretty fair, so maybe I’m too trusting and expect that I’m getting what I deserve in that I work really hard.”
Newsflash! Life is game and it is all about how you play it. Successful women will tell you that it is all about working hard, yes, but they will tel you that laying out a game plan from day 1 is key to getting to the top. We all know about backstabbing co workers, narcissistic bosses, snitching secretaries, apathetic CEOs and add to that women who expect to get to the top relying of these list of characters. Start over.
Tip: Devise a plan on day 1. Get to know the personalities in your office, determine how you can be what they need how and determine how to make yourself irreplaceable. Hard work is a noble worth ethic but playing the game is one not often taught to women in schools or in life by our parents or peers.
We Shirk Our Power By Leaving The Outcome Up To The Subjective Whims Of Others
- Christine, investment banker: “I think it’s up to the people that you work for . . . to identify [superior work] and keep current with what’s in the industry.”
- Joan, magazine editor: “I was so naïve and clueless, and I just had never really made a lot of money in my life, and I didn’t need a lot of money, so what I asked for seemed like a lot of money. And it was just not a lot of money.”
Why do we do this? My thoughts are that we are rarely taught to get what we not only need, but want for ourselves. Sure, we can command a decent salary, but an even larger salary would enable us to save aggressively for a home or build savings but we accept a lower salary because we leave it up to others to define out net worth. I say net worth because when we walk out of a salary review without advocating for ourselves, we leave it up to others to determine how much we are worth. And often times, they determine the quality of life which is determine in part by the money we make and and what we do with it.
Tip: Know your worth. your employer won’t have enough confidence in you to give you a raise with more responsibility if you aren’t perceived as someone who can advocate for themselves.
While the aforementioned doesn’t represent all women, it does represent a significant sector of our population. Challenge yourselves to dance on the glass ceiling, take a swing at it and know that you deserve everything that you want out o f your career and in life.
Have you had similar challenges in asking for what you want?
About the Author: Girls Just Wanna Have Funds is for the woman that wants to take charge of her personal finances. We value budgeting, investing, frugality and remain mindful of our spending habits. Move over and make way for women who are in control of their financial destinies and not afraid to say it. We're armed with a positive net worth and not afraid to flaunt it while breaking financial ceilings one stiletto at a time!
