Fighting Fair about Finances: How do you measure up?
photo credit: Laenulfean
This is a guest-post I submitted to Millionaire Mommy Next Door with a few changes.
In an earlier post I asked, What do you fight about more? Based on your responses, money and sex are at the top of the list. However, regardless of the issue you should be fighting fair. How do you measure up? Are you calm and logical or is it knock down drag out all night until one of you has the last word?
***********First things first***********
Calm down. According to Real Simple:
When you are in an emotional state, access to the portion of the brain that accesses logical reasoning is inhibited and you lose 15 IQ points. Calm down and resume a productive conversation 20 minutes or more later.
Practice Active Listening
Practice active listening with your partner and they will feel as if their concerns are heard and addressed. Even if you don’t agree with them, it makes a world of difference. Both of you will feel as though you’re actually hearing the other person instead of responding based on emotion and talking at them.
Stick To The Facts
What is the core issue? Was the mortgage paid on time? Why not? Lay out the facts sans insults or emotionally charged statements and make a plan to resolve it.
Talk About Your Feelings in a Constructive Manner
How did it make you feel when you realized the mortgage payment wasn’t made on time? Speak to that truth and steer away from unnecessary insults as they are unproductive and inflammatory.
You: Honey, I’m really concerned about how we manage our finances. I was really angry when I found out that the mortgage payment was 30 days late this month. This will have a negative effect on our credit rating, how can we fix this?
Here, you’re letting your partner know how you feel in a constructive manner and opening up the dialogue for a solution. They are less likely to feel attacked and will hear what you’re saying (active listening: you’re concerned and want a solution on how to effectively manage paying bills on time).
Him: I am so sorry about the mortgage being late, I know that you’re concerned and we’ll fix it. The car needing a new transmission and the boiler breaking last week really caught me by surprise because we hadn’t planned for these emergencies. Let’s sit down and talk about building an emergency fund just in case something like this happens again.
Your partner is being apologetic and addresses your feelings while realizing the need for a plan to have a solid emergency fund. Transmissions and boilers are EXPENSIVE!
How the conversation shouldn’t happen:
(Photo: Spontaneous Flower )
You: What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you pay any bills on time? Dammit, I trusted you to take care of our household finances and you’re f***ing it up! Now our credit is jacked up because we’re 30 days late!
Him: Well if you’d taken the car for a tune up and scheduled the boiler repair 6 months ago instead of taking off with your girlfriends we wouldn’t be in this situation! You and your damn shopping sprees leaves us with no money at the end of the month. This month the transmission breaks and so did the boiler. Don’t blame me you shopaholic wench!
I don’t need to explain this do I? This isn’t fighting fair ladies and gentlemen. No one is being heard and they are just wailing insults back and firth with no solution in sight.
Set up a Unifying Plan
This is a plan that encompasses both partner’s views on how the issue should be handled. Try to meet each other in the middle so as to not feel like one person isn’t being heard.
This isn’t to say that we won’t mess up and let loose a few insults but the key is knowing how to move past it, and now you know how.
Do you fight fair? Have you had low moments in a fight? How did you rebound?
About the Author: Girls Just Wanna Have Funds is for the woman that wants to take charge of her personal finances. We value budgeting, investing, frugality and remain mindful of our spending habits. Move over and make way for women who are in control of their financial destinies and not afraid to say it. We're armed with a positive net worth and not afraid to flaunt it while breaking financial ceilings one stiletto at a time!
Trent Hamm (7 comments.) | Apr 10, 2008 | Reply
My wife and I try very hard to be as clinical as possible with financial issues. We go through all of our statements together and recognize that any unnecessary spending that either of us do will probably be questioned by the other. Thus, we use that as a motivator to keep our finances in line.
Trent Hamm’s last blog post..Making Your Own Laundry Detergent: A Detailed Visual Guide
Jonathan @ MYC (4 comments.) | Apr 10, 2008 | Reply
Great article, Ginger - I remember reading somewhere that money is the leading factor in over 25% of all divorces.
Yikes!
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Raycal (8 comments.) | Apr 13, 2008 | Reply
LOL
Me and the husband had a very similiar conversation just recently. His car needed new tires and something else fixed which made us pay the mortgage late.
I am being mindful of our conversations though and trying not to be too critical.
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Andreas (1 comments.) | Jul 27, 2008 | Reply
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