Are We Giving Up Too Much: After A Baby Full Time Or Part?
This is an old post but I thought I’d bring it back with some new information gleaned from the Washington Post’s article, After A Baby, Full Time Or Part? This is something I struggle with being a newly wed with the expectation of children on the horizon. We are both just getting started in our careers so I struggle with having children and balancing my many interests while remaining 100% committed to their lives. Yes, I admit, I want to ‘have it all”.
My interest piqued in a new book written by author Leslie Bennetts: The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? She speaks to many of the concerns I have as a young married woman approaching motherhood. This is such a sensitive debate, so I wonder why the author seems to be so divisive when addressing the issue. Speaking as someone who is childless I can’t imagine the sacrifices it takes to leave your career and choose to stay at home with baby through school years or even permanently. And, as such, I believe after reading many reviews and other mom blogs about the issue, this is what’s turned many women off from even picking up the book.
Still, I think she poses really important topics that any and every woman should think about when considering staying at home to be with their children.
- Have you calculated how much you’re retirement account will suffer?
- Do you have a plan for re-entering the workforce years later?
- How will you keep up skills & contacts?
- Have you calculated not only the lost income, but the lower pay you’ll most likely earn when you go back, vs. what you would have earned had you stayed in the work force w/out interruption?
- Do you have a written understanding with your husband about support in the event of the divorce?
- Does he acknowledge the financial risk you are taking?
This is where my quest for balance comes into play. Is it possible for us to balance motherhood and career at the same time and give each equal attention while maintaining our sanity? We have to consider our careers, being a committed mom, potential financial setbacks by not working and even possibly divorce if things don’t work out.
There are women who choose to work from home via flexible schedules and there are some who start home businesses or even go back to school while raising their children so I know that it’s possible. This issue just seems to be laden with so many possibilities its hard to figure out from my stand point how things will all work itself out. My husband is very supportive of my decision to stay at home and actually prefers it, my issue lies in how this will all work itself out.
As I move forward in my life and career these are the questions that come to mind as we make the decision on when to have kids. I want to be there for them and to see each waking moment but at what cost down the line? Life happens right? I think most of the sources of information tend to be one-sided and I think its important to have information about the pros and cons of staying home or working or even both.
This is where the Washington Post’s article, After A Baby, Full Time Or Part? chimes in as they also make some really good points for both mothers to be women post baby deciding on whether or not to re-enter the workforce. The article specifically hones in on how to negotiate for pay, benefits, and work out finances post-baby:
- Remember what you are worth, think about the things you want and need and ask for them. Start big and negotiate down if the company isn’t willing or able to meet your desires.
- Emphasize what you’re saving the company by going part time and taking a smaller salary
- If you can’t get full benefits, aim for proportional benefits. For instance, if you work an 80 percent schedule with 80% of your salary then you could get 80% of your benefits
- Look for alternatives and be creative. If your company can’t pay for your health insurance, offer to stay on the plan but pay the employer contribution-if that’s cheaper than paying for coverage on your own.
- Challenge employers who may be reluctant to allow a part time schedule. You may for instance offer to be available via email and or phone in exchange for leaving work at 3pm to greet your children coming home from school.
- Offer a trial period, people are more comfortable agreeing to something on a three-month time frame rather than a year. If gives you time to pilot and see if it will work. It usually does.
If you’re mom, how soon after the birth of baby did you return to work?
If you did not return to work then how did you come to that decision?
Do you have any regrets?
Resources:
- www.womenwork.org
- cvworkingfamilies.org
- mom-entum.com
- mommytrackd.com
- dcworkingmoms.com
Books all Working Moms Should Read
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The Price of Motherhood: Why the Most Important Job in the World is Still the Least Valued by Ann Crittenden Buy used from: $9.07 Learn about the economics behind motherhood. |
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The Mommy Myth : The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined All Women by Susan Douglas Buy used from: $6.62 This book will help you give up society’s ideal of the ‘perfect mom.’ |
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Perfect Madness: Motherhead in the Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner Buy new: $5.99 / Used from: $4.94 Another book to help you give up the guilt. |
About the Author: Girls Just Wanna Have Funds is for the woman that wants to take charge of her personal finances. We value budgeting, investing, frugality and remain mindful of our spending habits. Move over and make way for women who are in control of their financial destinies and not afraid to say it. We're armed with a positive net worth and not afraid to flaunt it while breaking financial ceilings one stiletto at a time!
Mom @ Wide Open Wallet (6 comments.) | Apr 7, 2008 | Reply
I worked part time after my daughter was born and then I became a stay at home mom when my son was born. To me, it’s just so important to be home with them while they are little. Plus we can’t afford full time day care for two. We had to choose between never seeing each other or me being a stay at home mom.
Oh by the way: You’ve been tagged.
Theo J. (1 comments.) | Apr 7, 2008 | Reply
This is a really tough and sensitive topic for a lot of women. My wife works. We’ve been married 8 years, we have one 3 year old and another coming in May.
She decided to continue working and I support her decision. She has a good education and is very good at her job. While it can be tough at times, she enjoys what she does and I think that’s the most important thing. If she were to decide to be a stay-at-home mom, it would be a financial hit, but with some changes we could survive.
For me, it’s all about her being happy. It’s not easy to work and care for a family. It takes planning and a spouse who’s willing to chip in and help a lot. If both are not committed, it’ll be a drag and more stressful than it should.
While my kid may spend more time at the daycare, he loves us more than anything. We’ve been there for all his major accomplishments and have seen him grow and mature.
I can’t speak from a woman’s point of view, but I hope I’ve offered some insight. You all have a tough decision and it’s going to be different for every family. No matter which way you go, you’ll always wonder “what if…”. I say go with what you know and make changes as needed. There are pros and cons to both decisions.
savvy (9 comments.) | Apr 7, 2008 | Reply
I don’t have kids and I must admit, I don’t see how women are able to work full-time, have a life and maintain their sanity when their kids are younger than school-age. It seems like being pulled in far too many directions for me.
Like Theo said, it’s definitely a tough/sensitive topic for most. If I did have kids, I’d be a SAHM until they were 2-3 years old then probably work part-time after that.
Meg (13 comments.) | Apr 7, 2008 | Reply
I read that book “The Feminine Mistake” and it completely changed my view on the stay at home vs work conundrum. Women who give up their careers take on SO much risk (which few men would ever even consider taking).
In this day and age it just seems foolish to put yourself in a position where you are 100% financially dependent on your husband. Not only will he ultimately die (probably long before you), but he could become disabled or leave you as well. And what if the relationship turns sour? Will you have the strength to leave him, knowing you have little to no earning power (which, no matter what you once earned, becomes the case after many years out of the workforce)?
It’s hard because I know I’ll want to focus 100% on my kids, but I also know that I would feel lonely and less valuable - not to mention bitter and unappreciated - if I gave up my career. And my husband would probably miss the energetic, intellectual, involved me - the me I was when we met, before kids. Studies show men appreciate their wives who stay home, but they don’t respect them as individuals the way they do working women.
Women are conditioned to “reach their full potential” just like men, and we go to school (at great cost) in order to do so. It’s a huge blow to the ego and identity to just give all that up and stay home cleaning and cooking all of the sudden.
Plus, it puts the kids at risk of being paid way too MUCH attention to. Former career-women often make very controlling, pushy, over-protective, too-involved, competitive moms even as the kids grow up.
I, for one, am saving and investing like crazy so that I’ll be financially independent - and have plenty to offer (and leverage) as a wife and future mother regardless of whether I’m in the corporate world or not. I want to be at the point where I can manage my collection of rental properties and/or be a business owner when/if I exit the corporate world. And if/when I have kids, I’ll be flexible enough to give them total care and monitoring, but I’ll be busy and accomplished enough to teach them independence. Which is, after all, the ultimate goal.
Ginger | Apr 7, 2008 | Reply
Meg, a woman after my own heart, your comment gave me chills. Its so reminiscent of how I felt 3-4 years ago and still do t a certain extent. I know that I want to be home with my kids and that I wasnt built to work the 9-5 for someone else forever. Right now I feel sort of stuck in grad school even though I graduate in December. I want to start making money already! Right now hubby is the bread winner and I feel a bit loserish by not working, but I know that it would be hard if I did with my courseload right now. That said I am very much focusing on looking into other means of passive income, specificallly rental property. Ive been following your blog so I plan to talk to you about that more once this semester is over.
Savvy you share my sentiments, I dont know how they do it! Im ripping my hair out now and I dont have kids!
Thanks for sharing and your inisghts Theo, I appreciate it. Its great to have a mans perspective in these issues. Im not sure why I am so focused on this, well I do, I am a perfectionist in this area… I just need to figure things out before it happens.
@ Mom-Im on it and thanks for sharing!
I am just besides myself in trying to figure out how I will balance my career and children and a household. I am soooooo set in the idea that things need to be perfect. Right now Im giving myself a break because Im sooo busy but I am normally a planner down to the last detail. My house runs like a well oiled machine and my classes/courload used to but thats another story. My hope is to continue working on our plan so that when we do have kids I will feel better about it all.
BK (8 comments.) | Apr 8, 2008 | Reply
When I had my daughter I was not married. During my maternity leave fate would have it and I was laid off due to a company merger. Although I was given a hefty severance package, it made the transition easier and I was able to stay home for the first year before returning to work.
Just my opinion, not sure what type of support system you will have once you do decide to have children but with my second child, I was able to work a flexible schedule as was my significant other. We alternated days on who did what as well as during the first year. once we separated, my family stepped in to help me as I returned back to work full time. Don’t rule out the support system.. it takes a village to raise a child remember that saying? Sometimes we try to do everything ourselves and still miss those oh so important moments because we were too tired to see them from doing everything.
I’m sure you and your hubby will make the best decision for you guys. Not sure what your career choice is but there are always options for balancing career and family.
Good luck Ginger!
Graham lutz (1 comments.) | Apr 14, 2008 | Reply
MY wife quit working at 6 months pregnant and will never go back to work.
You ask all these questions about how will your retirement suffer and i can’t imagine something so selfish. why even have kids if you don’t care enough to raise them yourself.
Graham lutz’s last blog post..Insurance Guide For The Self-Employed
Ginger | Apr 14, 2008 | Reply
@ Graham- You are the example of those who make the topic divisive. It is a very personal decision and while I have made the decision to be at home when we do have children, I don’t knock others for doing otherwise. My choice isnt necessarily better, neither are ours, just what works for us.
Honestly, I will work part time on different ventures when the time comes. I can’t imagine being at home and ONLY depending on my husband’s income. I have a brain and lots of ability, it won’t go to waste.
This is where my issues lies with SAHMs. The ones that stay at home and let their minds turn to mush while caring for their kids and dont know how to interact with adults when they do get back to the workplace.
I think parents have to e selfish when it comes to retirement. Unless youre comfortable with your kids footing the bill in retirement I’ll be saving for it thank you very much.
TC | Apr 14, 2008 | Reply
If I didn’t have a career and was just a simple receptionist, I wouldn’t have a problem becoming a stay at home mom. But having a real career (engineering), while trying to decide how to divide between advancing my career versus raising kids full time versus raising kids and work both part time is a major issue at hand in which there is no correct one fits all answer.
Alexandria (1 comments.) | Apr 15, 2008 | Reply
I think all important things to consider. I don’t think personally I could give up my career and stay home.
I went back to work when my first child was 8 weeks old - certainly no regrets. My husband stays home with the kids and it really works for us.
When I read this I think this is a sign of the times that people are having children much later. We had our first child at 25 which was quite sweet as we worked post-college jobs a few years and saved up some real money. BUT we weren’t very far in any career track that taking a break would be a huge setback. I loved my job and was paid quite well. My husband was miserable and got laid off. He wanted kids far more than I. It just made sense for us. He can restart his career in his mid 30s. I hardly feel like we have had much financial setback. How many people do I know haven’t finish college at that age? Yes, he has sacrificed in a sense. But now he is working at his hobbies, trying to turn that into a business, and is far happier. You don’t know how many times I told him to quit his job and follow his heart before. This has given him much more courage to do so.
Likewise, I know few traditional 2-income families. Most of my friends work opposite shifts, FT/PT combos, or have extended family support. I think the more you are willing to think outside the box, the more likely you’ll find what works for you. IDeally we would both like to work part-time. (Spouse wants more time outside the home; I wish I had a little more time with the kids). So that is what we work towards. I think we’ll make it in a few years. (Kids are 5 & 3 now).
I don’t really understand what most working moms go through. Most of my friends do way too much or are worried about the quality of their children’s care. I have someone taking care of the house and kids and I know they are well taken care of. & then of course my SAHM friends struggle with their own issues. I feel I have the best of both worlds.
It bothers me how anyone’s choices are so villified in this debate. We value a spouse who stays home. I’m a working mom. We put our kids in part-time daycare (for them just as much for us). I get it from all sides. There is value in each of these choices. What’s most important is what is best for both you and your child. & as you see it often takes compromise and sacrifice. No easy answer.
Beth | Apr 15, 2008 | Reply
I attended a work meeting 2 weeks after my first child was born. One of the guys in the meeting gave me some advice on breastfeeding and how to change dirty diapers in the middle of the night. It was funny. I began my consulting business after only 2 years of full-time work after college when I became pregnant with my first. I have been consulting now for 7 years and I love it. I probably put in anywhere from 10-40 hours per week of paid work and I am writing a book as well. My daughter is in half-day kindergarten and my son is in daycare from 9-4 3 days per week. I absolutely love to work so there just is no other alternative for me. My husband does all the child and house care on the weekends and evenings while I work and write. We have next to no life outside of work and home but that is fine for us for now. We will make more friends later when our kids are both in full-time school. My husband stayed home with our second for a year and half after he was born (we saved up for this) and it was totally worth it. By the way: nothing beats a husband who understands first-hand how difficult it is to care for a baby!!!
Now, given my background, you might think I am anti-stay at home moms but I am not. I know many stay at home moms who really do find a ton of meaning in their work, they work super hard, know their kids better than I do mine, manage their families finances better than I do mine, and are happy. It is a valid and wonderful choice just as working is. (Your children will not suffer from too much time with mom, for sure!)
jj | Apr 15, 2008 | Reply
I also wonder about the ramifications of women opting out. If this trend continues and tuition continues to increase at a very high rate, then the next logical step is to discourage daughters from going to college or at least favor a son in terms of financing a college education. After all if a woman will likely work 5-10 years before quitting, a college degree isn’t worth it. I know many women who are still paying off loans after quitting the workforce. The degree definitely wasn’t worth it.
Beth | Apr 15, 2008 | Reply
JJ - I see your logic but there are two problems: #1 we are seeing that it is not just women who “opt out,” it can be men, and I believe we will see more men opt out and fewer women as it comes to more of an equilibrium. #2 is that even if a college educated parent is out of the workforce for 10+ years, there are still many many years after that for that person to use his/her college education. My own mother had 5 kids and was out of the workforce for 18 years but now, at age 63 she has about 23 years of working behind her and she will probably continue to work until at least age 70 since she loves what she does. I think 23 years of work made her college (and graduate) education worth it despite 18 years out of the workforce.
smurfett | Apr 15, 2008 | Reply
Before I had my daughter, I thought I would go back to work full time after 6 weeks, or at least work from home full time soon after I give birth.
After I had my daughter, I realized that it was unrealistic to do so, for two reasons. It takes a lot of time to care for a child, and you feel pulled and guilty whenever you’re doing one and not the other. On top of that, having an actual child (as opposed to just having opinion) totally changes my outlook. Suddenly, things that didn’t seem possible before (wanting to be a SAHM) seemed like a possibility; just so I could spend more time w/ my child. The first 4-5 years of a child’s life seem so precious, esp since they grow at such a phenomenal rate.
I found the book Mommy Wars a really interesting read. I know there are people who complain about the book not giving women who *have* to work a voice, but the stories in there did show some issues everyone struggled with, and how people made peace with their decisions.
Another thing I always find interesting is that usually it’s the woman who wants to stay at home after the kid is born. How come no men says they want to stay at home and ask their spouse/partner to support them? If we had more men who want to do childcare, maybe more laws could be changed to benefit everyone.
Ellie | Jun 11, 2008 | Reply
OK, I know this article and all comments were posted almost two months ago, but reading through the comments I felt I had to respond as well. First, I must say “right on” to most of the people on here who appreciate that this is a difficult decision for everyone involved. I only recently stumbled upon this site and am really enjoying it, so thank you. However, Graham’s posting has me all worked up! I think I would be more accepting of that type of comment if GRAHAM were the one who stopped working and would never go back.
Cindy (1 comments.) | Jun 17, 2008 | Reply
I’m a writer/editor for a film company and I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to work from home two days a week after my daughter was born. She is now 19 months and it is working out very well. In a company dominated by men, they can’t imagine how I get any work done with a baby running around screaming all the time. By getting up early, working after she goes to bed, and during naptime, I have found that I actually get MORE work done on the days I’m at home than I do when I’m at the office. At the office, I have twelve men diverting my attention from editing, but at home I only have one little toddler. Any time they question my productivity or ability to get my job done, I just have to point to my accomplishments. I make sure they have no reason to doubt me and I get all my work done on time (or early). I am quickly finding out that pretty much anyone can work from home (unless you work retail). All you need is a phone and computer. And then you can cut out that hour you would normally spend taking a shower! ha ha.
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The Baragin Shopper Lady (1 comments.) | Jun 21, 2008 | Reply
You can always make money. You can only have your child at home for 5 years. I think it’s a no brainer. I personally pick my children over money.
I work from home and have lots of friends who do. I work 10 hours a week. It pays the grocery bill and keeps us debt free. All I can ask for my love for working and my love for being a mom. I’ve had friends who’s bosses wouldn’t dream of losing them and have allowed them to work at home when they told them they were leaving to stay at home with their kids. You never know what can happen. Your kids will be blessed because no one loves them like their mom or dad (or grandma).
I believe that either Mom or Dad should be staying at home with the kids.
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